How do we tell 5yo about dying grandparent

[TiredAndSleepDeprived]

My 5yo DS is extremely close to his grandmother (my MIL). She has terminal cancer and probably doesn't have very long left. She's been in and out of hospital and we've explained she's poorly, and will always be poorly now, but should we be explicitly saying she'll die soon? He's starting to understand (I think..) a tiny bit about death/dying in general. I'm worried that if we don't it will happen and come as a surprise to him..? But I know DH is also a bit worried he'd make frank comments/questions to her if we did. Grateful for any advice.

It's hard to say without knowing your 5 year old or what stage your MIL is at.

You could say that you're not sure if the doctors will be able to make her better so we're just making her comfortable and making the most of the time with her.

You know your child best

Children that age still live in the here and now and haven’t got much concept of time. So I wouldn’t prepare death yet, especially if time scales are uncertain. It’ll just hang over him like a big unknown scary thing. For now, I’d just keep it at ‘grandma is very poorly, we’re not sure if doctors can help’.

After she dies, I’d get one of the good children’s books that talk about grandparents dying, and maybe start some memory / rituals (eg praying for/light a candle her if you’re religious, or putting up a special picture for remembering her).

Should have said: I’m really sorry you’re facing this 💐

Winston's wish have some excellent resources that you may find useful.

I found being honest with my 5 year old and using clear language, like the words dying and death, and not phrases like going to sleep etc helped my family.

I found simply answering any questions in age appropriate way and sticking to facts of life cycles helped us enormously. Talking about the Drs and nurses and what they could do to make their grandparent comfortable was helpful to us too, as was thinking about the human body in factual terms and how the heart stops beating etc.

I also reassured them that their ever changing feelings were normal and to ask questions if they were unsure and talk. Lots and lots of cuddles too. Mine wrote down their feelings on paper and messages, which were looked after by an important teddy!

Best wishes, sorry you are facing this.

This is excellent advice, would also add, have a look here https://www.childbereavementuk.org/when-someone-is-not-expected-to-live

This is a really helpful site that talks about how children's understanding changes according to developmental stage.

Yes as simple and direct as possible.

So Granny is poorly and she isn't going to get better at all.

I'm not sure I'd really prepare them for the death. But when my father died and my two were 4 and 7 I just said something like sometimes the doctors cannot do anything to make a person better and so grandpa's body stopped working and he is dead. That means we will never see or speak to him again. Then I talked about our memories and talking about him help us.

Also re funeral both of mine came and explained what happened during the day and that they will see adults crying because they are sad and that's perfectly normal. So I prepared them so they didn't panic when seeing family members upset. They were really good.

The Paper Dolls by Julia Donaldson is about how people and things stay on in our memories.

Thank you for the wishes and the advice/sharing your experiences. It's a good point about having no concept of time (and the timescale being a bit uncertain anyway). I will definitely look at those resources, thanks for sharing. We've been saying she's poorly and the Dr's can't make her better. And perhaps only after the fact, or when it's absolutely impending we'll talk about her dying - and it's a nice idea to start a memory box/book or something similar. Preparing him for the emotions he'd see at the funeral is a good point too (assuming we take him which I think we would).
He may be understanding more than we think already.. he was speaking to her on facetime yesterday as she was in hospital; apparently she said she hoped she'd be home soon, to which he replied "yeh because you don't want to die in that bed, you want to die in your own bed". Absolutely no idea where it came from. Having said that he also told my parents visiting at the weekend, that they were going to die (they're well, but replied that yes that's a fact we will die eventually). Agree sticking to facts and factual language seems right.

My son was 5 when the queen died and it prompted a complete emotional breakdown that we neither expected or were prepared for. He was absolutely devastated and kept upsetting himself for months after, saying he didn't want us to die and suchlike.

I'm sorry you're facing this 💐 be prepared for lots of recurrent emotional phases as he processes everything. There are a lot of big emotions to work through

Just don't do it like this.

@TeddyBeans thank you. Oh bless him. No wonder you were surprised and unprepared. The queen has had semi-regular mentions here the last couple of years too, as his first 'experience' of death (they covered it at his preschool), though no big upset in the same way as yours. And later on a dog down the road he was fond of who died.

my dgm died when j was 6. I recall very clearly understanding what death meant and trying not to cry but the floodgates opened. At the time I was told that she had gone to heaven-not sure I fully believed that aspect but it was definitely comforting at the time. Obviously not everyone will want to talk about heaven etc.

Sorry for your sad situation