Siblings - the more the merrier?

[Floraspony]

We recently had a miscarriage following an IVF transfer for a third child. I've been reflecting since about my capacity as a parent, the miscarriage has taken so much from me and it's made me realise, would I be a bad, distracted parent to the two I had if a third came along?

I wanted to give the children more siblings as I thought this might be best in adulthood, but is one enough? Do parents of 3 find that their parenting becomes more about survival and less about thriving and building strong relationships?

Lastly, does it all just get harder as they grow up and have school/ friendships and more complex emotions? I struggle quite a lot with my mental health and I want to do anything to avoid this for them.

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. I had two before having my 3rd child.

IMO I don't think parenting three is that much different really to parenting two. It does mean that you are more thinly spread but the relationship between my three is just lovely. You just have to invest that little bit more. My children are all in their 20s now and have such a close relationship, especially the elder two.

If you feel that you're not 'done' yet, then maybe continue on your journey if you can afford it? Most of my friends and family have been 'done' with two. I wanted three and am so glad I finally managed to have three, but they are still dependant/semi-dependant on us well into their 20s which I never anticipated! So bear that in mind!

I have two. They are now in their 20s and are great friends.

I had a miscarriage a couple of years after DD was born. The pregnancy was unplanned and I was slightly relieved if I'm honest. I didn't want a third as for me two is enough. We have 'reproduced' ourselves and no more; we could focus on one each if there was upset; we can afford more for each of them than if there was a third. My DM looked after two so that we could have an occasional weekend away; she could not have done this with three. Little things like lots of 'family' rooms in hotels have a double and two single beds, similar with two-bedroom apartments; easier fitting 4 into an average car, DC not having to share a room.

We were talking about the miscarriage last year and both DC said that they were happier that there wasn't a third. Friends that were one of three tended to have two that were closer and one left out. Neither would have wanted to be the left out sibling.

I have 4 half siblings who all grew up together. They have each stopped at two; they also get along now though less so as children. For them it was not the more the merrier!

So, in your shoes I'd step off the rollercoaster and enjoy the two children that you already have rather than worrying about a third.

I think it's hard to say.i had 3 DDs within 5 years of each other so I know no different really. But the obvious challenges have always been there like cost, especially over the last few years when the cost of everything went up so much and we can't do many paid activities with them on that basis - a meal in the favourite chain restaurant now costs about £120 for drink, main and a couple of shared starters for the 5 of us.

In terms of relationships. My girls are very independent of me (sadly), but it's also like they don't need to make loads of friends with other people as they have each other. This was not my intention but how it has worked out (very similar to my mother and her sisters). Maybe it's something about knowing that you'll always have someone similar age to you to talk to.

It depends on your capacity and parenting style. The people I know with 3 kids have one stay home parent or two who work very part time but still 1:1 time, getting them all to after school activities, parties and daily reading and home work time is some thing they have to really work at. They make it work but my oldest has anxiety so requires more time and I don’t think I would be able to parent 3 to the standard I would be happy with.

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

To answer your question - it depends. We had DC1, then a loss, then twins. I love them all but I do feel my parenting style has shifted to more “crowd control” and I always feel I want to give one of them more of my time/attention/focus.

I have 3DC and am one of 4DC.

I really love having 3 siblings and although we now live all over the country we still love getting together, your siblings are the only people who travel through your whole life with you and it's a really important link. And I think with more siblings you automatically get more space to be yourself, whereas just two siblings constantly get compared and contrasted and are put into boxes much more.

Our 3DC are teenagers and they have gone through stages of having more in common with one sibling than another but that has changed over time and generally they get on well and are their own little gang.

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I've had 3 in between having my children.

We have 3DC, I love it despite hotel rooms, car sizes and other things that others have mentioned. They are close in age but only youngest is at home, other 2 at uni. Early days were busy (3 under 5) I've never felt like a bad or distracted parent splitting my time between them. I was lucky to work part time when they were little tho, and this helped. We've never lived close to family so never benefitted from support from grandparents etc for childcare. They are really close now as young adults. I have 3 siblings myself and though we live in 3 different countries they really are my best friends.
DH and I never really talked about how many kids we wanted but 2 just didn't seem right to us. Good luck with your decision