9 year old girl losing close friend to another girl - how to help her

[TheBrightBear]

My 9 year old has had a close friend since she started primary school. A new girl came after a couple of years and the new girl's mum is very competitive and pushy about arranging playdates .... She organises more playdates than anyone in the class and has a lot of 'last minute crisises' and manages to get other people to take her for last minute playdates but she has been smart enough to rotate the people she asks for help and to ask the more obliging people (myself included!). However she has always been very keen on setting up a 'best friend' situation with the girl my daughter is close friends with (by doing a lot of playdates and asking for lots of favours). The friend's mum has resisted this for a long time and although we never openly discussed it she made a few subtle comments about not really liking the situation. Unfortunately recently she seems to have given up and has stopped pushing back....and so inevitably the two girls have become closer and now my child is left out. My daughter is fairly heartbroken. I admit I am not competitive and am fairly quiet and my daughter is similar but she always had a happy untroubled friendship with her friend.

We had never been really intense about playdates with the friend and always had playdates with other girls in the class and do extra curricular activities but this has really hurt my daughter.

I feel sad too because I feel it has been very orchestrated by the pushy mother and I feel a bit let down by the friend's mum because both her and the dad had made comments about not liking the other mum's pushy behaviour.
Other parents in the class are a bit frustrated by the regular requests for last minute help but mostly are too polite to refuse.

I also feel inadequate because maybe if I was more pushy myself I would have somehow prevented this happening...and my daughter is gentle and kind and tried to include the new girl when she came to the class but it has backfired on her.

She also had a close non school friend who moved on to another friend so it has opened up this hurt again too and it feels like a pattern. That time I tried to talk about it to the parent and it was unhelpful so I don't want to do that again.

How do I help her.

The class is pretty cliquey....it will be very hard to become close to another girl without disrupting someone else's friendship.

Don’t overthink this. They chop and change friends weekly at this age. Just keep inviting the friend around as always.

I’ve found there are definitely parents who are very cunning when it comes to pushing their children off on anyone who will take them. There’s a mum at dd’s school who shares 50/50 with her ex and I’m pretty sure she only actually has her like 1 evening a week because she’s so good at dropping (all 4 of!) her kids on anyone who will take them.

The other girl and this friend will eventually fall out or the mum will get fed up with the arrangement. Just keep supporting your dd to be a good friend and also encourage some new friendships.

I wouldn’t worry too much OP. Best friends are always changing lots at this age and the friendships can be quite intense, even if short lived! I would just focus on building her up at home and finding fun things to do. Also encourage relationships outside of school – time with family, extracurricular clubs, etc. All if those things are great for confidence and will make this friend issue loom less large for her.

Another 2 years she will be at high school and best friends change again…..just encourage her to mix with lots of children in her class

Thank you so much for the advice and reassurance.

I get very anxious about any girl friendship issues as I have a cousin who has had severe mental health issues since childhood and it all started when her friendship group dropped her at school at around my daughter's age and she was never able to make other friends, and lives a very isolated life.
I try not to react when my daughter tells me these things but inside I'm always freaking out that if I don't handle it right it will be the start of a downward spiral ....I don't remember a lot of girl drama at primary level in my own class...so I feel that this is all new to me and I'm not sure what is and isn't normal.

I would love to know how these pushy parents do it....I feel guilty asking for help even in a dire emergency! And I'd love to figure out a way to stop them asking me !

Thanks again.

Thanks so much for the reassurance!

It’s heartbreaking isn’t it OP. Friendships are so fragile but the most important thing in the world to them.

Encourage her to make friends at clubs out of school. And as PP say, they are so fickle and will change friends often. Ughh I hate the whole ‘best friends’ thing - just be mates with everyone ehh? (Or almost everyone)

OP, I know how you feel and how hard it is to navigate for you, my 8 year old went through the same thing with a very close friend she had since reception. She was utterly heartbroken.
I found that speaking to her mum didn't really help, and in hindsight I think I should have tried harder to play the situation down with her.

The key thing was figuring out how to help her find the confidence to make new friends. I feel that one good thing that came out of the situation is that she gained a new perspective on how it feels to be left out/lonely at school.

We turned this into an opportunity for her to make sure other children didn't feel that way either. She found it quite empowering- rather than worrying about being rejected by others, she focused on approaching and including kids she saw being left out. She made many friends this way, because she realised she didn't 'need' a friend, she needed to show kindness to others who did! It's got to the point now that whenever a new kid joins the class- the teacher will always buddy them up with her :)

Welcome to the horrific and stressful world of girl friendships

The worst time is when they're in year 9

It's heartbreaking but they will make new friends and it all works out in the end

That’s awesome!

I was you in an almost exact same situation. I pulled back. We slowly changed the clubs outside school to other clubs and neither friends went to and my DD made some lovely non school friends. Over time everyone got fed up of pushy mum and started to avoid. She left the school in the end and from what I've heard started the same pattern at the new school.

I agree with others though that your DD friendships will change weekly sometimes more often. I've always told mine to make lots of friends and never rely on just one. It's made my DD stronger.

This is lovely ! I just rephrased this as a story that I'd heard to my daughter and got a big smile out of her.

Totally understand where you are coming from. My children's friendships take up way more headspace for me than they should and that's because, like you, I had friendship issues myself as a child. My daughter was not a popular child in primary and she is just lovely. Now, aged 14 she has a great big group of friends, boys and girls. My son had no particular friends in primary but through his hobbies made lots of friends who he now sees at high school. It all works out in the end.

Thanks so much good to know we aren't alone! Luckily we aren't doing any extra curricular clubs with the girls. Glad your daughter came out the other side stronger.

Yes my dd went through this with a pushier girl to the point that the pushy girl told her she couldn't stand with them at an after school activity. I was really disappointed that her friend didn't stand up for her a bit!!

We focussed on developing friendships with other friends and fun family activities and I always listened to the dramas with a sympathetic ear.

She's 11 now the friendships have changed a few more times since then but they all do get along as a bigger group now which is good to see. My daughter is also more resilient and I'm glad I never involved the other mothers etc despite really wanting to mention it at the time! Remarkably the pushy girl has settled into herself and is quite a decent kid now....

Yes my instinct is to definitely say nothing to the mums....from hearing friends talking about this it never seems to end well!
Don't really have a problem with the child herself, she's a bit competitive but it is the strategic maneuvering tactics by the mother that bothers me.
Thanks for your perspective, it makes me more hopeful that we will get through this.

@TheBrightBear i could have written your post three years ago. Inseparable DD and bestie from first nursery meeting, did lots of play dates with others but the two were always ‘core’. All changed when a new kid came on the scene after bestie won a music competition. Mother seemed 100% focused and methodological about woo-ing bestie - exact same clubs, shopping trips, last minute dramas needing sleepovers etc . It was just odd and, while I did what I could to keep the friendship alive, DD was on the outside within six months.

My experience is a little different as the friendship never settled back. DD’s confidence was knocked and, while she tried hard to make new friends resulting in ‘light’ friendships, groups had already been formed. It was a horrible three years. She started in seniors this month and is so excited at the chance to make new friends.

if I had my time back, I would have cut her losses as soon as bestie’s head was turned and gone overboard with clubs, activities etc. for a few months. Would have been hard to do as was working full time and DD would have had to be pushed but at least she wouldn’t have waited around for a year which was the biggest confidence impact and turned into a self fulfilling cycle I think.

Sorry to hear this, sounds like your daughter had a really tough few years. Sounds like your school is like ours....very settled without many children coming and going. Very very hard to break into another clique....and if you did manage to you could be sure that you'll change friendship dynamics for another child. I suspect my daughter will be on the fringes from now on because she is timid and quiet unless feeling secure with the other child. She's very observant about others feelings and would hate to disrupt another's friendship.
From talking to friends it seems that a good teacher can make a massive difference and a less sympathetic teacher can make things worse.
We do quite a bit of extra curricular stuff and while it is helpful I feel it's very hard to make friends that way as it's usually only 1 hour a week. We've managed to maintain a few out of school friendships that way but it's hard work. Her cousins are abroad and there aren't any girls her age living on our road.
Wishing your daughter all the best with her new start and I hope she has a much better few years ahead of her.