Single parent lonely going mad

[YourJadeSnail]

I left my abusive partner when my son was 5 months old he’s now 2. I managed to get a house for us which is lovely , I started a new job 2 days a week got him into nursery and he’s enjoying it. I just feel like I’m on a hamster wheel every day trying to battle through until the evening. It’s so lonely . I have friends but they have their own lives. I have no mum due to her being a horrible narccisist I cut her out years ago but being a single parent has brought back all my pain and made me feel even lonelier…my son still sees his dad and I’ve even agreed to go on holiday with him and our sonbut I absolutely hate him and what he’s said and done to me. I think I’ve got ADHD and my brain never stops , I feel burnt out most days I’m eating rubbish , I feel like no one wants to be around me. I feel like I am not doing enough for my son, on my days off I try to constantly plan fun stuff , make sure he’s eating nice food ( normally just goes in the bin), I feel like my brain doesn’t stop and I’m going to explode. I have also signed up to the OU to start an access course in psychology as it’s something I’ve always wanted to do and that starts in October . My ex always said I had no career and have just scammed my way through life and I want to prove him wrong, I feel at rock bottom and I desperately want to feel happier but I just feel so alone. The emotional load of my past and present is what I am struggling to deal with alone.everywhere I go someone is with their partner or mum or family , I find it really hard to see some days but then I blame myself and think stop being so self pitying I need to get out there and find someone but how when I’m stuck in this rut. Sorry for the absolute babble, any advice on anything would be appreciated .

Oh, OP, you've done so well to get away from someone who was mistreating you, and your son is lucky to have you. The toddler years are relentless but it DOES get easier. Your child will start school in a couple of years for one. Also - Well done you for getting on that course too. Your ex clearly doesn't know what he's talking about!

I have heard from friends who go on to do clinical psychology training that you undergo analysis yourself which can bring up painful things at first but ends up being really worthwhile.

One internet stranger is rooting for you!

I could have written this post, for a split second I thought fuck did I write this while I was up in the night?!
My DD was also 5 months when we left my abusive ex partner. We also got a home which was a life saver. I have little to no contact with my mum also as she is/was a heroin addict & left the family home leaving my dad (who passed away in February this year) to raise 3 young children. I also empathise with you about trying to parent while also dealing with trauma (past & present) I feel like I'm never happy enough, I don't do enough, we don't have as many days out as we should. It's the never ending guilt of wanting to be more happy and fun for them but also being so tired to the bone each day you'd do anything to just curl up in bed in silence.

Every day is the same, I haven't had a moment to myself this entire 6 week holiday. I feel more exhausted now than I did at the beginning. I always tell myself I would be happier and do a lot more if I had someone to lean on. I suffer from an ED, insomnia & chronic pain plus depression and health anxiety, all which have blown up since I lost my dad. Every single day I battle with my thoughts and feelings. I look forward to bedtime so I can just sleep. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I look at DD and she's so happy & I feel like I'm letting her down because I'm so fucking miserable all the time. I look at families and women out with their mums or dads & my heart breaks as I wish more than anything I had that.
Life just batters the shit out of us doesn't it?

I know what it's like to feel so lonely you would do anything for some adult company, people don't realise is that we don't choose to become 'single mothers'.

I'm not jumping on here to tell you my life story as it's your post but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone & it's perfectly fine to not be okay.

I also found it strange how I stumbled across this post which is so so similar to my life.

I’m so sorry you’re really going through it … you’ve done well to keep going , and yes life does batter the shit out of us , that’s exactly how I see it sometimes ! And we do have days where we feel sorry for ourselves which is normal, I do anyway, I just wish there was someone to say hey it’s ok I understand you have been through some awful shit and it’s fine to cry and feel sad; instead I don’t and the family I do have in my life to have zero compassion - they have partners kids and have never experienced being abused or being single, so why would they get it? The abuse has taken an away a if part of my heart and I feel colder now, do you feel like that ? I really hope you have a good day today … do you have any plans

Thank you so much !!!and for being so kind. Can’t wait to start the psychology it’s like a form of healing I guess, and then able to help others, I just find the human brain and behaviours fascinating.

I've been told the abuse was my fault, I've had a million 'I told you so' I've been told my eating disorder is a selfish choice. My sister once said women in abusive relationships choose to stay & so don't help themselves. A very naive opinion.

But you are right, unless someone has experienced abuse themselves then they have absolutely no understanding of the prolonged psychological impact that can last for years afterwards. I still have days where I feel life is unfair, that this isn't the life I wanted. I miss my freedom, I miss being happy.

So I look for joy in the smaller things, planning a nice outfit for each day, putting a little make up on, getting out for fresh air (easier said than done I know) doing some crafts with DD, cuddling up and watching crap tv.

This feeling you are experiencing won't last, but you need to take care of yourself. Counselling is a good idea, the waiting list is long but worth it in the end. Do you work? I found going back to work when DD was of school age saved my sanity & I couldn't go back to being a SAHM. I feel like an individual person rather than just a parent.

Yesterday we went to a carboot sale, then watched the mask with Jim Carey. Today I have made an effort to go and see a friend at the park. Little baby steps each day. You are only human, not a robot. Sending hugs OP xx

Sorry I just saw you started a new job two days ago, that's incredible OP!

First things first, cancel the holiday, going on a big happy family holiday with a man that abused you is not the answer here.

Secondly, the OU course is fantastic BUT do the course for you not to show the Ex. He is still taking up a horrific amount of headspace and you need to kick him out of it.

As for being lonely, things like having the radio on / BBC sounds so you can hear other adults chattering is useful day-to- day.

As for practically feeling lonely, do some activities you enjoy but with a child focussed twist. I love theatre so I started taking DD at 2 to toddler shows, by 4 she could manage a proper musical and in her teens now we love going to all sorts of shows together and it's 'our thing'.

It's no good burning yourself out, you need to set yourself a routine and get some structure so you don't feel so all over the place. Sort yourself out a slow cooker and rice cooker to help batch cook nutritious meals that can be frozen.

Your DC doesn't give a crap what fun activities you have planned, he wants to spend the day with his mummy, giving him lots of attention and not being stressed. So on your day off do an activity in the morning, then have a nice chilled out afternoon with lots of getting outside and jumping in puddles now autumn is approaching and collecting leaves, pinecones and stones.