Help visualising life with toddler and baby

[Haaboo]

Hey all. I’m trying to imagine what life looks like with a two year old and a newborn. At the moment I just can’t see how it’s even possible. I’d love to hear how you managed it… the practical stuff more than emotional coping strategies!

im terrified of not being able to give my toddler the same attention he gets now.

Currently I have a 16 month old who is a dream. He sleeps 11 hours at night. Two solid naps a day. And full of energy and life.

But, add in a newborn. Surely it’s just a tag team of who can wake the other up? Will toddler be able to sleep properly with baby crying. Will his play wake baby up constantly. Do they learn to filter each other out?

When we get up in the morning currently there is time for cuddles, Lego, reading (and coffee for me!!). Add in the newborn. Now I’ve brought downstairs two crying children. Newborn is screaming so toddler starts. Toddler gets a bowl of cereal in front of him whilst I do the necessary with baby. How do you have the time to demonstrate love to each if you’re just tending to needs.

Bedtime currently includes singing, and stories. It’s a leisurely affair so that DS1 goes to bed happy and chilled. I can’t imagine baby crying whilst I’m doing that. And actually, I can’t even see how to do that - surely I’ve just had to leave baby in its cot and cross my fingers!

i know it’ll get easier once a routine is established. But whilst DS1 was the dream baby who was fairly predictable in three weeks, No guarantees that the next one will follow suit.

Experiences please from anyone that’s been there! 🙏🙏🙏🙏

Congratulations! There is nothing more magical than watching your older baby love your new baby, and there are so many lovely moments each day. That said, it was a lot harder than I expected! I don’t say that to be negative, just that I was probably under prepared for how much everything would change. Get a baby sling!! I wore my new baby for months. It meant I could still do most things with my toddler without my baby crying (she was a clingy baby who cried if I put her down which was very hard). You don’t mention a partner - if you have one, everything becomes divide and conquer in those tricky moments eg first thing and then bedtime. One big tip from me would be to ensure your partner spends plenty of time with the baby as what can sometimes happen is you end up always with the baby, and your partner with the toddler which you want to avoid. We alternated who did toddler bedtime each night so we still got that quality time. There have absolutely been nights however where if DH is working late I have put my toddler to bed with the baby screaming in her sling on me, and have just had to kind of chuck the toddler in his cot with a kiss and a cuddle and leave him to it. You’ll make it work and it will be worth it! Your baby won’t remember being left to cry for 5 minutes but your toddler will feel that more, so I try to prioritise my toddler’s immediate needs where appropriate.

Thank you so much @Autumn456 thats exactly the sort of thing I needed. I know it will be hard. I do have a fabulous partner, but I need to know that I can manage on my own too. He has a job and won’t be here to save me all the time 🫣

it sounds like you got it down to a fine art and did an awesome job 🏆🏆🏆

Thank you so much for sharing 🤩

"Add in the newborn. Now I’ve brought downstairs two crying children. Newborn is screaming so toddler starts. Toddler gets a bowl of cereal in front of him whilst I do the necessary with baby."

This made me laugh because yes, it is like this for a while. It is loud and overwhelming at times.

But it gets easier and watching them play together. ..there's nothing like it.

My biggest practical advice is baby wearing. It saved me! She only came out for feeds and nappy changes. I always had my hands and attention for toddler!

Mine was 2yo so maybe a bit different but yes, there were some practical difficulties.

I just had to lower my standards a great deal!

One thing I did was to make sure I was dressed and ready to face the world before DH left for work. This meant changing to washing my hair at night etc and doing proper shower in the evening. I would quickly freshen up in the morning, do makeup and get dressed. This meant we could always get out for the some sanity saving coffee and a walk etc.

I used to pack the buggy with all kinds of freshly prepared snacks for DS. When I had a newborn, that turned to packet toddler food and bottled water for us rather than our usual refillable. Baby’s nappy stuff was in a small pouch in the shared nappy bag.

All this could be prepared the night before when DH was home.

I had shoes and boots that could be slipped on while wearing the sling.

I would take out a buggy for DS and baby in a sling- colic, velcro baby who would not be put down for several months. We would do some of the usual things like coffee and library and parks. When baby napped in the sling we would play as best I could.

I found the sling could because it meant I could just jig the baby back to sleep in noisier environments.

Lunch would have been prepared as much as possible. I started making DS a lunch box even though he was eating at home so it was all ready.

I gave him a rest on the big bed while colic baby had her contact nap on me next to him. For a brief moment had some peace and would read a book on phone while I ate a snack I left there. I know people who could get both down for a nap together and walk away but I don’t know how!

I had a cot downstairs to put the baby in as a safe space while DS bumbled around.

Dinners became less complicated and I started using jar sauces etc.

I had to become less focussed on things being perfect, organic etc and just do the best I could. DH did a lot more and I accepted help from grandparents.

It was hard but it was a lovely experience too. Mine are still very close.

Wear the baby as much as possible.

Lower your standards for a while.

A lot of the time in the early days it is just tending to needs and there is a LOT of crying. A lot of the time they both need something completely different at the same time and you just have to take a deep breath and pick one.

Eventually they'll start napping at the same time, eating at the same time, going to bed at the same time, playing together etc. It gets much, much easier at that point. Although I have a just turned 3 year old and an almost 2 year old and it's still madness the majority of the time!

Another thing I found really helpful from about 3 weeks in when I had a bit of a routine going was getting up 30 mins before baby and toddler (who are both 7am ish risers) to have a super quick shower and get dressed with a coffee. If I didn’t do that, it could become the afternoon and I would still be in PJs! And one other point is that we kept all of our childcare for my eldest because I tend to take short ish mat leaves. He went every day but sometimes just 10-3 ish. This gave me precious time with the baby but also meant that he kept his routine and life stayed a little bit similar. I also then had the patience to look after both kids calmly after the break of nursery/childminder! My hats off to parents (and I know plenty) who manage 2 with no childcare, I’m in awe of that!

I currently have a 17month old DD and a 2 week old DS.
With your worries about crying at night and waking each other, my DD sleeps 11hrs every night and hasn't been woken by the baby yet, who is sleeping in our room next door.
Not sure if I'm just lucky, but the baby doesn't really cry. He gets fidgety and grizzles when hungry but not proper full blown crying/screaming.
DD runs around the living room screaming when she's playing in the daytime and hasn't yet woken him up even though he's in the same room. He will just grow up to learn to sleep with background noise around him.
I'm currently making the most of giving DD all my attention as DS is sleeping all day anyway. When I have to change him bum or give him a bottle I try to get her involved by saying "he's having his breakfast like you" or I encourage her to play with him when I'm changing his bum - she pays his head and waves in his face lol
It is definitely all very possible! You got this!!

I've been here - 23month old and newborn!

What helped me:
Toddler being in nursery (until baby was 16weeks old).
When I did have them both...

Baby in a sling - I went to a baby wearing consultant and made sure the sling I had was comfy for me and baby.

Getting out EVERYDAY morning, home for toddler naps, out in the afternoon.

I would get the toddler to mould around the baby, so keep them up until the baby was asleep so I'd have an hour of peace.

TV became my best friend and I don't care what the screen police say!

Make sure you have a pram that can fit through your door - I first bought a double, that couldn't!

Bath them together, take stuff to get the baby ready into the bathroom - get them out, dressed and give a bottle whilst toddler played!

My motto was 'I've got two knees, so their is space for both of you'

But this stage of like was about surviving not thriving!

Now 3.5 and 1.5, is much easier!

Thank you so much all. I’ll reply properly later. The family are descending on us!

But slings, childcare, lower standards, making peace with someone crying sounds like the biggest wins!

@waterfalls123 screen police - haha love it!!!!

Apols not to reply to all individually, but all read, digested and appreciated more than you can imagine 💖

Yes, I did both of these things too. I still get up before the kids for a shower now otherwise I wouldn't get chance!

Agreed with the lowering of standards. I generally prioritised my toddler over the baby. The baby always had her needs met (and she was and still is clingy so she mostly was always being held and carried). But my toddler had the majority of my attention. Maybe it was fluke but I think it helped him adjust to having his new baby sister around because he didn't feel like anything had been 'taken' from him.

I also started up low level benign neglect for the toddler during the pregnancy haha. Just tried to adjust him to me not being at his beck and call straight away and making him a bit more independent.

DD was 2 and 4 months when DS came along.

wear a sling as much as possible, keeps baby happy and your able to be up and about to do things with toddler.

baby can sit on a bouncer snoozing/ looking about while you sit on the floor and play with toddler.

start encouraging them both into play, one on each knee when reading a book (you have two knees for a reason)

other than that you just find a way that suits your family. And truthfully no you probably won’t get to have as much time with toddler 1:1 but re frame that in your mind, that’s not a bad thing, your toddler will learn they have to wait sometimes and that’s ok mum will come. They will have to share and it’s a great life lesson. Kids adapt very quickly and soon enough your toddler won’t remember not having their baby sibling it will just become normal to them.

the other thing I done from early to help toddler was talk to the baby the same way I talk to them. Your toddler will hear “just a minute I need to …. The baby” hundreds of times a week and it can get annoying for them. So if I was helping toddler get dressed, in the toilet etc i would say “ just a minute baby I’m helping your big sister, you’ll need to be patient” obviously for the toddlers benefit so she felt it wasn’t always her that had to wait, baby had to as well!

Something has got to give, but you can choose what it is. I choose housework! So there is plenty of timeto show my children love, but there are weeds in the flower beds and finger marks on the Windows.

Bedtime for our four goes something like this most nights:
DTwins (3yo) down first, just before 7pm. Baby I usually just up from a post-dinner nap and is happy to play ontheir floor while inread to the boys. We snuggle up for 3 stories, then I pick up the baby and hold her while I sing lullabies in the dark before I kiss them goodnight.
Eldest is nearly 8, so I take the baby back downstairs and she keeps me.company in the kitchen while I tidy up and eldest gets herself ready for bed. When eldest has settled in bed and had half an hour to read I take baby up and she sits on DDs bed and they snuggle while I chat to DD for a bit, then I sing a lullaby and take baby out, switching off light while I go.
Now baby bed time - pjs, brush teetth, fresh nappy and feed to sleep.

All very calm and snuggly 90% of the time.

HOWEVER there are definitely days when you do have to choose who to leave crying. My younger 3 all have chicken pox at the moment, 2 are suffering quite badly. It is definitely difficult to meet everyone's needs right now.

So my take - practically it is perfectly possible ti have a nice snuggly routine with books and singing with multiple children. But either someone needs to pick up slack elsewhere or you need tobe prepared to let things slide a bit. And when it goes wrong it can go wrong in style.

@Jollein has a good point actually! I would always sort the toddler out first, at it felt easier to meet their needs, comfort if they were sad.

Then I'd sort the bahy out!

I'd always talk to the baby too like I did the toddler like 'don't worry baby im just changing toddlers nappy and then I'll be with you'
More so, so the toddler didn't only hear me telling them to wait...

This is all so helpful thank you so much for sharing these points. Really useful to have all this in mind.

i don’t doubt that it’s hard with two… @TinyTeachr you have my full admiration with four ! Especially with some poorly bunnies.

Im so grateful to each of you for taking the time to share. I was feeling overwhelmed without of concept of how it could work. I have a much better idea of the nuts and bolts of it now.

💖💖💖💖

My dd was two and half years old when ds arrived.

It is hard, but I love it.

I think the key is to prepare the toddler as much as you can:

• Read books about having a sibbilig, go shopping together for things for the baby, have them around while you are orgonising the nursery, packing hospital bag and so on. Keep talking about it!
• Get the toddler involved: changing nappies (my daughter loves to put the dirty nappy into the bin), helping to choose outfits, etc.
• Try to get the toddler as independent as you can before the baby arrives: we pottytrained; got rid of the dummies, side of the cotbed came off so she could go to bed by herself, etc.
• Buy a present from a baby: When my son arrived, he "gave" a little basket with toys and outfits that I knew my daughter would love.
• Try to let things go: Before the baby, I often spent an hour trying to put my toddler to bed for nap. Now I take her to her room; half a time she goes to her bed an goes to sleep by her self; if not I tell her it's "quiet time" for an hour and she plays in her room by herself while I'm in the other room with the baby.
• Get your partner/husband to do most of the nightime rutine, bathing while you are pregnant - it won't come as a shock for a toddler if you can't do those when the baby is here.

After the first few weeks, things will get a lot easier!

Following this as I'm due my second end December/jan.
My son will just have turned 3. Same advice for this age gap?
I am thankful he will get his funded hours and be at pre school a few mornings a week.
I'm finding pregnancy with a 2 and a half year old exhausting but know it's going to get a whole lot harder.
Some great advice on here.