Help with 3&5 YO arguing

[CraftyC]

I have a 3 yo and 5yo. Both girls. Just short of 2 years between them. Both very different people. Eldest is all about fairness, rules, but can get very angry and the youngest tries to get around every rule, is very socially clever and knows perfectly how to annoy her sister.

There is no physical violence. They have the odd pinch of each other or a sly kick on the couch but nothing major.

It's the arguing. It NEVER STOPS. They find every single opportunity to drive each other mad. They can't be in the same room without arguing. I am refereeing dozens and dozens of arguments over every tiny thing all day every day. I am a teacher, secondary school, so behaviour management is something I have experience with. Over the years I have tried the tough approach of non negotiable consequences, time outs, going to their room, and positive reinforcement, reward charts, more at their level conversations about "we try to be kind" etc. Nothing has worked. It all ends in screaming (mostly them. One benefit of my job is I can fake patience forever and push anger down to the depths). Myself and DH are drained. Living with them is becoming intolerable. My own home is a place of constant feeling of eggshells, wondering what argument is next, trying to avoid it. Now it's starting to eek out into when we are at family's houses etc. I need to do something.

Had anyone had any success with a consistent approach with sibling girls with a pretty small age gap especially?

Also a secondary teacher I think it makes us good at accentuating the positive as parents, which can only be a good thing in the long run for our kids.

I think 3 and 5 are tricky ages, and sisters can be difficult. I have DSes and a 3.5 year age gap (11 and 8) and they're a bit bicker-y but generally rub along quite well. DS1 is autistic and has ADHD so can be a bit controlling. Add in the long summer holiday and it can feel like endless sniping.

Is DD1 extremely people pleasing in school but trickier at home? It's something to keep an eye on. Can you divide and conquer with your DH? Catch them being good to each other and heap on the praise?

Yes DD1 is a complete angel at school, pretty quiet but social. She isn't much of a people pleaser. She is that quiet girl with a book, innocent, doesn't understand if someone is mean.

DD2 is again incredibly well behaved in nursery but at home she is fiery. She does wind up her sister a lot but it's the two of them in it. It's just exhausting. I have a sister, similar age gap, and I don't remember arguing this much.

I think I need to do more positivity. I have gotten bogged down in the negative with them, but also it feels like they do a lot more negative than positive. Summer holidays doesn't make it easier but also it has been a long term issue.

Being a teacher can make it harder I think. I can make 31 twelve year olds read Shakespeare but I can't get my 2 kids to get along for 20 minutes 😆

Ha @CraftyC! Ah yes, but in the classroom we have proximal praise, a behaviour system and Kahoot to get them to do what we want right! We’ve all had those classes where you’re watching them like a hawk looking for something, anything, to praise and it’s hard going. It sounds like you’re doing this all day at school and then again at home, which sounds rough.

I’m also secondary but you get kids, so feel free to ignore, but I wonder if maybe leaving them to work it out a bit more might help? As in, give yourself permission to step away a bit and not be in control of the room at all times.

If they’re not being physically violent that’s at least something but also ultimately they need to learn how to co-exist. They don’t have to like each other, but they need to figure out for themselves how to not fight all the time.