DS3 is rude to mum in particular?

[worrying48923]

I know the saying that mums get the worst of the behaviour. The breakdowns, meltdowns, endless moaning, because they are the safe place. I'm not too sure what to do with my son 3yo who is very rude to me in particular. Lots of screaming, shouting, refusal, bratty attitude. What irritates me the most is he slaps, smacks and pokes me aggressively.

He is bratty to his grandmother, but never to any male family members. He only is physical with me.

I use the timeout chair, wait for him to be quiet and then talk with him about why the behaviour is wrong and ask for an apology. He usually complies. But this approach hasn't helped in the long run to prevent this behaviour.

What seems to help slightly is other family members talking with him when he's calm and explaining why it's not good to be horrible to mummy. I also use natural consequences, for example if he is refusing to get ready to go out then we don't go out.

Difficult feelings are fine but this yucky behaviour is really wearing me down. I don't know why he thinks he can be so rude to me. I spend plenty of time with him and am very affectionate and praise his good moments copiously. Any advice please

@stokes81 ex husband is not in the picture, I should have mentioned

@stokes81 His granddad is his main male figure. Granddad does explain these things to my DS and at that moment he seems remorseful and will apologise to me. But then less than 5 mins later he will be right back to it 🙁

He’s 3? Or the 3rd child?
if he’s 3 then you explain very clearly “we don’t be rude to our mummy.” And then consequence like time out, but I wouldn’t allow him to control the situation like not going out. He’s 3! You decide. It’s your rules.

If he’s 3, then it’s pretty young to understand. You have to teach him because otherwise he doesn’t know. And if he’s at it again in 5 mins, it’s another consequence!

Are circumstances different for this child? The two of you seem to be responding to each other like siblings more than mother and child.
Do you live with your mother? Or does your mother tell you what to do a lot?
Does the child see you being spoken to like you are a child?

@nosleepforme No he is my only child at 3yo. I use the no going out thing for fun outings like the park, not for necessities

@Seaweed42 Yes I live with family following my divorce. There is a degree of me being spoken down to from my parents. I am trying to move out but having a hard time finding work that can support us as I live in a HCOL area.
Can I ask how it seems I'm responding to him like a sibling? Genuinely want to understand as I'm a first time mum, this is my only child and I'm really trying my best to respond with authority.

Well I'm thinking that he's not seeing you as the 'mother' because there is a more powerful 'mother' or father above you and him.

Does your mother tend to let you parent him or does she butt in and take over?

If your parents can stay out of it, stay quiet and allow you to be 'the boss' of your son that might help. If they can support you by telling him to do what Mum says that might help.

It's tricky for both you and your son having to move etc after your divorce. It's not easy being a mother at the best of times so go easy on yourself.

If you can stay in your 'adult' self with him. I know that's hard because we all feel like kids inside when we are with our parents no matter how old we are.

Be consistent with him. Don't take his behavior personally. Assert your authority firmly but gently, not in a huffy, there now see what you did!! sort of way.

Come into your adult self when dealing with him.

When trying to get him to do things, use a positive reason, not a negative one. Don't raise your voice just repeat the thing over again.

So going to the swings you say, 'if you want to go and have fun on the swings put your shoes on now I'll help you'. Positive

Not, 'if you don't hurry we can't go'. Negative

Distraction is great tool. If he prods you and you get all annoyed, that's a great way he's found to get your attention.
Instead if he prods you ignore it and find a distraction.

Find time to play with him, just him and you. If your mental health is suffering from the situation you are in then it's easy to be preoccupied with your worries.
Hitting you or annoying you gets him your attention when your attention is focused on your own parents or your worries.

Catch him doing something right 3 times a day. You are a good mother doing your best so hang in there!

@Seaweed42 Thank you for that advice and encouragement. I'll admit you struck a nerve when you said that we act like siblings 🥲 It's a big source of embarrassment and feelings of inadequacy to have to go back to living with my parents for the moment. It's a relief to hear that people by and large still feel like big kids when they are around their parents.

Yes you're right about the "chain of command" dilemma. I do all of his caretaking activities but I'm not the "head of the house". My son understands that his grandparents are my mum and dad. They do tell him "ask your mother" when he requests things, and try not to undermine me in his presence, but it does happen sometimes. I do really want to move out.

I'll utilise that advice about not getting annoyed and just ignoring his irritating behaviour. I know it's the only way but it can be difficult to do in practice. Parenting is such a marathon