Doubting myself due to friends

[Confusednotperfect]

I'm feeling down & as though I have got parenting wrong & I would love some perspectives from other parents. I seem to be surrounded by friends & family who either aren't very honest about their lives and their children's ups and downs / behaviour / mistakes or who sail life through with no little problems/ testing behaviour from their teens.

Two of the people I talk to most do not have children but have lots of friends with children/teens, are god parents, aunts etc and one of them is a teacher. I often end up feeling bad after speaking to them and now wonder if I need to be less honest about what is on my mind which makes me sad.

for example, If I mention a small thought / worry about what my older teen daughter is up to (e.g maybe she is out with her friends and I'm suspecting her vaping, or not doing her homework, being cheeky, maybe drinking but not telling me - basically what i would consider normal teenage behaviour) my friends (separately - they don't know each other) would start to say stuff like "well Lisa's girls don't behave like that - they are so polite/ so studious/ so helpful/ do volunteering etc" "what are you doing wrong that she behaves like this?" . "My god daughter is fabulous to her mum etc etc."

Other friends with teens will never say they have problems - apparently everyone did well in their exams, is getting on brilliantly at college, is doing well with driving lessons blah blah blah - while my kids seem to laze around and don't do a lot to help and then go to the odd party and stay up late (which i think is fine and fun for them).

My sister also tends to do this - e.g when my daughter didn't get top GCSE grades and couldn't go on to do A levels, my sister said I obviously hadn't been encouraging her to work hard and i wasn't inspiring her.

It seems such a consistent message that I feel like maybe it is true and I am a failure and I have not been strict enough and now my children will pay the price for me being laizie fair. I can't talk to their dad about this anymore as he is quite negative about the teens so I try not to share my worries with him, we don;t have a great relationship. I wonder if this impacts their behaviour and that I haven't realised that everyone else is thriving while my kids are not and that what I thought was normal teen behaviour is not. help!

I could tell you the bad things my lot have done but not enough space here. 3 kids mostly grown up. Those without teens will not be told about the rubbish kids get up to. Parents tend not to be honest.

I think unless you’re close people are only vocal about their dc when they’ve done something praiseworthy.
When they’re having problems they feel embarrassed or don’t want to unload their worries on you and when they’re just plodding along there’s nothing to talk about

Your two friends without kids sounds like rubbish friends tbh and in any case probably only think their friends and families teens are perfect because they’re not there for the tantrums and arguments.

Most teens/kids do crappy things. Some parents actually ignore it and it's never their kids' fault, some parents are (blissfully?!?) unaware, some parents do not talk about the bad stuff for various reasons.

Questions for you, are your kids the type of people you'd want to be friends with?

Do they (mostly/generally) try their best?

Do they respect you?

If yes to all of the above, you're all good.

My kids were like yours as teens. They're happy adults, have a wonderful, open and loving relationship with me and that's all that matters.

Never take advice or criticism from people who haven’t been in your shoes.

It's taken me a long time to realise EVER family has issues- it's just some people are way more honest about it than others.
Families I admired and felt rubbish for not being like have since divorced or had kids in trouble,failed exams,etc etc it's just something lots of people don't talk about.
Also never take advice from people that have no kids !

There needs to be a teenage equivalent to toddler groups because I think that actually parenting troublesome teens is far harder than the terrible twos! I am very open about the issues I’ve had with my son because when I had those issues I felt very isolated and like everyone had perfect children. The amount of people that have said to me that it’s nice to hear someone admit their kid isn’t perfect has been amazing. People don’t like sharing the bad. Everyone feels they should know what they are doing by the teen years and that everyone else has it sorted.

I think most people have a bumpy time with teens by varying degrees. It’s natural with growing independence. Teens are such a difficult time, so many different choices, I remember not really “knowing” what I was supposed to do. Most people grow out of it and become functional adults.

I would say though I would be extremely upset if DD didn’t manage to get reasonable gcse’s (in the absence of any good reason). Some kids need a kick up the ass to get studying and some are self starters, you do need to make sure you know that they are actually trying. However if she’s doing something useful now, thats the important thing.

Some of these people don’t even have kids OP so even their information is second hand as it is, never mind what they may or may not be telling you. Take their information with a pinch of salt.
Your sister is a CF as well. That her children did better in their exams or whatever might be down to luck as much as anything else. I don’t mean lucky that they did well- obviously they will have worked hard and that’s great- but luck that your sister has kids who are naturally academic and studious. It doesn’t mean your children won’t do well- exams aren’t for everyone- or that you don’t inspire them. I bet you praised and accepted them for who they are and encourage them in things too. If she’s the sort that would patronise you and compare children in such a crass way and make judgements then she’s probably also the type to control her children and stand over them with a ruler while they study three hours a day and call it ‘inspiring’ them.
The fact that you are even on here worrying shows you are a good parent and your kids will be fine x

Teens are a minefield - don’t offload on friends who don’t have kids as they are just commenting when they know nothing about your situation and aren’t offering any kind or support or reassurance to you! You are doing fab - I’ve learnt to not compare my kids to others as you don’t know what really goes on and lots of parents give the impression things are amazing when they are not. Not all kids are amazing academically (I have one - left school with not a lot and now doing brill in an apprenticeship that he loves and one who loves school). Concentrate on your happy family and if the kids are enjoying life - you are winning 🥇 well done on getting this far - it’s a challenge for some of us and those who say it’s not may possibly be fibbing!