Hey!
Really after some advice!
I have 4 kids, this post is in relation to my 2nd.
background:
met his dad when I had 1 son already, he was desperate for another kid to close the circle and be part of the family so we did, at days old my son went back into hospital with me as he wasn’t well (he has situs invertus, and a heart issue causing issues like fainting and chest pain/dizziness that is currently being looked into) at 11 days we leave hospital and come back to a empty home. His dad had left. I didn’t see him again. I tried many times to contact over the years, sent yearly updates via email, first day at school etc, photos, all ignored.
in 2022 his dad emails saying now my son is 8 he wants contact. As my son was asking about his dad anyway and it was causing him mental health issues not knowing why he left. So I said yes. Granted slow gradual visits. All seemed to go okay and him and his wife became friends with me and my husband. Great. We invited them on a trip away with us so they could see him more, had them over at our home etc.
here’s my issue, during the non contact period, his father moved 472 miles away to Glasgow (we are as far SE as you get get without getting wet) that’s 8.5 hours drive without traffic. My son went up for a week over the summer and video called every day. I had worries about him being away so long missing his siblings etc, but my main worry was both the fact his dad was driving down, grabbing him and driving back, that’s 16 hours minimum of driving and so unsafe to drive my son being that tired. There’s a reason lorry drivers aren’t legally allowed to drive too long right?
the other worry is with his medical issues, and mental health, AND the fact his gp is down here, makes that also a concern. For the planning of summer of 2024 he demanded two weeks. Me and my husband said no, but 10 days. My son was also asked and he felt more comfortable with 10. His dad didn’t like this. And jumped straight to paying for mediation claiming a “lack of communication”, (well paid job so can buy his way into anything). Mediation agreed 10 days sounds very fair.
this year we had next to no communication whilst he was there, i had a short video call where I found my son had been taken swimming and had some symptoms of his heart issue whilst in the pool, felt like he couldn’t breathe, and had sharp pains in his chest but wasn’t taken to be checked out. I took him as soon as he got home and was told if it happens again go straight to a+e. But his dad never even told me it was my son who alerted me of it. I was absolutely livid. 500 miles from home and I can’t be given the decency of being told his hearts playing up! Anyway I didn’t say much just got him seen as soon as he was home as I don’t feel comfortable confronting his dad after being dragged into mediation last time.
he’s been home 3 days and his dad is already messaging demanding 2 weeks next summer, I asked my son what he wanted and he told me maybe 12 days, so I told his dad 12 days. He’s already replied saying “well I’ll speak to him about it then” because he simply can’t take not having his own way and compromising.
i know his next step will be court. He does nothing but buy our sons attention back after not being about for 8 years, he floods him with branded clothes and buys him anything he wants, day trips out almost daily etc. he’s essentially bribing him. My son’s 9, ofc he loves all the gifts but it’s so morally wrong. He got him a £100 collectible vintage chess set for goodness sake, I had already got him a chess set and he knew that!
i guess why question is, knowing he can afford court and I can’t (we’re stable and can afford Europe holidays etc but we aren’t rich), are the courts honestly, after 8 years of nothing grant this man contact and make my son with health issues do a 8hr+ drive to the other side of the country whenever he demands contact ? Surely this isn’t best for him? His dad works for a company that he can work for down here, and his wife actually commutes to Kent sometimes for work so it’s quite obvious they could move to be closer to him, but they are looking for a 3 bed house where they are because “it’s nicer” but surely the court will see them refusing to move nearer to his son is a him issue and my DS shouldn’t have to travel so far just to see his dad? I just don’t know what to do.
ty if you got through my rambling and can offer any wisdom!