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How to cope with toddler behaviour

5 replies

gentlemum · 22/08/2024 12:48

I'd really love some tips that anyone else has found worked for them on how to cope with my toddler's behaviour. He's 2 years 5 months and just such hard work. I think everything he does is normal toddler behaviour, though I think towards the excessive end of the scale! So I'm not asking how to get him to stop or change because I know it's just the stage we're in, I just need to find a better way to cope with it myself as I'm losing my patience so much. I've also got a 5 month old baby so that makes it really tough.

What I find really difficult is my toddler not listening to any instruction and I struggle to physically get him to stop or move him away because I'm holding the baby, if I put the baby down he starts crying and that sets off my toddler's behaviour even more and we're stuck in this cycle of constant noise and stress. I feel like I spend all my day saying no and telling him to stop doing something. He deliberately wakes baby up, gets every single toy out and doesn't really play independently, he's a very fussy eater, finds anything that he knows he shouldn't be touching or something he shouldn't do and does it. He is better when we get out the house but that's also such a challenge and we're limited where we can go because of having both baby and toddler. If he gets full one on one attention he's fine, but that's just not possible.

Any advice appreciated!

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kermaine · 22/08/2024 13:42

My dd is the same age, it's frustrating but I have found it's easiest to just relax and try to limit rules so I'm not saying no too often. So things that aren't dangerous I just let it slide - getting toys out, spilling water, going through my makeup, it keeps her distracted and that's a good thing. I tend to wear baby so I dont have to put her down and that means I can interact more with my toddler I can even climb up to the top floor of a 5-level soft play while she naps!.

I like to get the dcs out of the house early and do a lot of teacher-led structured classes, that way I don't have to think up activities for her, it keeps the house tidier and I've paid for the term so it forces me to get out on time. In the afternoons we have some quiet time when baby naps and I can give more one to one attention to my eldest.

I'm sending my toddler to a morning preschool from September and hoping that will tire her out a bit and then I can have mornings to do baby classes.

LavenderAndLillies · 22/08/2024 18:54

I have a three year old and almost seven month old and mine is exactly the same…mine is a right little Jekyll and Hyde character - some days it feels like she can be so lovely, cooperative, and amazing at listening but mostly she actively ignores me and can be so defiant!

Anyway, one of the things I found really works for us when she needs to calm down and listen to us is to get down into her level and get her to count from one to five with me over and over until she’s calm (this usually takes about 3 repetitions), and then I explain what it is she needs to do and why she needs to do it again, and mostly she then cooperates. I love this because it helps me take a moment to regulate myself too so that I don’t get too overwhelmed and frustrated!

When we’re out I also have started giving her little freedoms in return for listening (for example I’ll let her run ahead of me but tell her where she needs to stop, and if she listens then she’ll get to do it again), it seems to be helping her as she gets a little ‘reward’ of some independence

Honestly though, I think it’s just a phase that most kids go through and it’s just a case of hoping it passes soon 🫣

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 22/08/2024 19:01

Toddler taming is a really good book.

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BertieBotts · 22/08/2024 20:29

Don't expect them to obey verbal instructions - at two, their language development is really not there for communication yet. They are learning and it's important to talk to them of course, but in terms of communicating, especially things you want him to do/not do, physical presence is worth 1000 words (and the more words you use, the more you dilute your message.) Reasoning and verbal instruction starts to work better from about 3-4 years onwards. At two, less talk more touch.

What you say about him behaving better when he can have dedicated one to one attention makes sense because you'll probably be physically closer to him. I appreciate that's tricky with a baby too so some ways to think around this -

Can you control the environment more - if he wants to get every single toy out, massively reduce the number of toys which are available so this isn't a problem. Block off, remove, or lock away things which he is not supposed to touch. When you go out, contain him (buggy/car/sling/backpack reins) until you get to where you want to go and only then let him free. Choose locations based on them being toddler safe. Getting out in general is really good (I always think toddlers are like dogs and benefit from a daily walk).

Understanding object play/schema play helps a huge amount IMO - when they are getting into all the stuff you would rather they didn't, it's because that's how they are exploring the world and learning. If you can work out what schema they are in (google play schemas) then you can give them loads of activities relating to that and it should hopefully keep them out of trouble.

Agree with sling for baby. I had the Boba Air which is great because it folds up really small. And it helps too to set up an area e.g. sofa + coffee table where you can do some activities one handed while holding the baby and have a set of activities to do here. Or some "remote games" to play with 2yo - getting them to run around and point to things of different colours was a fun game in our house, a good precursor to i-Spy. Saying different animals and the 2yo pretends to be each animal. Playing songs like freeze dance or the floor is lava. If you can invite a very slightly older friend over e.g. 3yo, they will often be better at knowing the rules for these things and the 2yo can copy (also you'll have company and another pair of adult hands).

Safe space (e.g. playpen) for baby to chill out in is also good - we had all kinds of ridiculous things like a swing inside the playpen! Just whatever will keep the baby happy while not being in arms, and also not so easy to reach for the toddler.

I found it useful to roughly have an idea of toddler/baby schedule and know which would be trickier and which would be more chilled times and tried to "tank up" the toddler with more attention during the more chilled times. Also barely did any housework during the day with two at home. Only when DH was home.

TV is also your friend IMO, especially when everyone is ratty.

If the toddler is getting in the baby's space try showing him things he can do e.g. put on a dance for the baby and make up all kinds of things like oh look she waved her arm that means she likes it. Make sure you "tell off" the baby as well e.g. if the baby flails her arm at the 2yo tell her "No, don't hit, be gentle!" even though of course she won't understand and it isn't on purpose. It's for the 2yo's benefit. Likewise when you are busy with the toddler, tell the baby (for the toddler's benefit) "Don't worry little one, I'll be with you in a moment, I'm just helping big brother and then I'll come to you. You need to wait." If he wants a toy that the baby has, try getting him to come and offer the baby another toy first. She will drop the toy she has and then he is free to take it. We found that really useful going forward into the baby being more active.

BertieBotts · 22/08/2024 20:34

Sorry that was all geared up more to how to get him to do/not do stuff - but I do think that it's basically impossible to keep your rag if you're using techniques (verbal instruction and wanting him to have impulse control when faced with very fun/interesting things) that are not developmentally appropriate - no wonder you're losing your patience, because it's a losing battle. You're not doing it wrong - it will just work better when he's a bit older :) In this bit you need different behaviour management tools basically.

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