Am I overthinking to much/doing something wrong?

[dibzylove]

Hi all.

So, I have my daughter (9) here with Me on holiday during summer hols. Me and her dad have shared holidays and I go and see her monthly for the weekend (court ordered although I was always wanting more it's good enough I get to see her and speak to her as I do).

I've had her since the 9th of Aug and she goes home on the 29th Aug.

Since she's been here she seems to be quite moody and has had a few strops. This is mainly to do with having her hair brushed. I understand the mood changes are probably to do with her hormones starring to change ( I was an early hormonal kid too)

I also struggle with her tablet/iPad. She's wanted to be on it a fair amount since she's been here. On asking her and her dad by the sounds of it she's not on it alot when at home as she's usualy at school or goes outside with her friends so have come to the assumption she's making the most of it which is fine... but then comes the point she wants 2 hours sitting alone watching it etc. I guess I worry about the bit where she's wanting to be alone for so long and that I've done something wrong etc or she's bored.

There was once at end if last week where, although I didn't fully lose My rag... I run out of patience a little when she spent 3 hours stropping about her hair and I slightly raised my voice and she eventually let us sort her hair out. Yesterday, while I didn't raise my voice, I feel guilty that I had to explain if she doesn't brush her hair and it gets even more matted... eventually it'll have to get as short as mine (buzz/pixie cut) as it'll be to hard to untangle. I also explained it's not really acceptable to go out with hair more fuzzy than a lions mane.

Me and dad had arranged dates to pick her up/drop her home. Months ago dad told me that she went back to school on the 7th Sept. So I arranged to drop her home on the 3rd Sept giving her time to relax and get stuff ready for school etc. On speaking to him back of last week he's said she actually goes back on the 3rd. This really frustrated me and i did loose my crap and shouted a little but on the phone etc. Thus lasted about 6/7 mins before I caught myself, hung up and gave my head a shake, made myself move on from that and we actually had a really good day after that. Proper screwed up here and I have explained to little one why mum got a bit mad and appologied like crazy. Wasn't good role modelling from me and I didn't need to act that way
... stupid of me!!

Apart from these 3 things, we have had a good time. I just worry I've done something wrong/took it to far. I understand that probably once I did and I've been doing my best to put it right and that. Guess I'm just looking for a bit of validation. I guess we are all parents. Having to explain consequences etc and losing patience I guess is all part of life but it doesn't take away the guilt.

Sorry if I've bothered you all!!!!

It's very difficult to be just natural with your dd if you only see her so seldom. You want everything perfect. Usually it's the dads going through this. Is there a reason you are so far away so can't see her at least once a week, pick her from school, drop her to sport whatever so you are more part of her everyday life. Then holidays wouldn't need to be perfect. The ipad stuff is one every parent in the world is dealing with so l wouldn't beat myself up over that. Is there some product she can put in her hair after washing to lessen tangles so hair isn't such a big issue. Maybe if you are only hanging around the house don't sweat too much over it so she can just chill at times. Sometimes we can focus on stuff that doesn't really matter.
If you are chatting to her dad about arrangements do it out of earshot so if an issue arises she is not listening. It is very disappointing to have been given the wrong date. Do you get all the messages from school so you are up to date yourself and not depending on him? Schools do that.
Enjoy the last few days and try not to overthink too much.

Hey. Thanks!

Even though the school is court ordered to tell me things it's very difficult to get anything out if them as they tell me I need to be talking to dad about it all. Trying to get anything honest out of him is really difficult hence why I got really frustrated. I've tried for years to be a decent co parent but unfortunately it doesn't ever seem to be given back. I guess I've now decided to... aslong as I'm making my effort to see my child and try being the best I can be.. that's literally all i can do.

Just can't stop feeling guilty!!! I have to find a way to stop the feeling ;(

Reason for why she's not with me and in far away: had a breakdown in 2018. Knew what could happen so handed her to her dad for me to recover properly. He got ss involved.. they told him to get an order so she stayed with him. He did. By the time we were in court (obviously he had the child benefits handed to him which is right in that respect) my cash flow had shortened even more meaning I couldn't pay rent. I'd spent 5 months living in someone's shed while saving my small uc payments... eventually found somewhere up north after months of trying to find cheaper accommodation in London to no avail. This flat here is cheapest and first I found. Being 300 miles away obviously makes it hard to do anything else apart from weekend and holiday visits. I make the effort to call her atleast 3 times a week sometimes more.

Look you are doing your best. She won't always be 9 so will be able to have her own relationship with you outside her dad. Try to enjoy the last few days with her.
Are you getting counselling because seeing someone after she has gone back would be good to debrief, get it all out of your head and focus on looking after yourself until next time.
I'm sorry you had to live in a shed. Mind yourself as that's most important for you and for your dd.

Your amazing. Thank you so much. Yes I plan on going back to something mental health related help when she's home and I also plan on getting some help and or advice with pre teen /hormonal changes with someone too. I know I can be a great parent. There's just room for improvement/learning how to handle situations as well as looking into what I could possibly do on my end to help the co parent stuff. Thanks again!!

I think everything you’re describing in terms of your dd is perfectly normal. Hair brushing is a nightmare. They are moody at that age. They will take as much screen time as you give them and be grumpy about it. They aren’t toddlers anymore and don’t need constant entertaining. They just want to chill and they need increasingly more time with peers around this age.

The moodiness is normal. Give her downtime. Doesn’t always have to be on a tablet. Does she have friends near you or can to take her to meet up with a friend or invite a friend for a sleepover?