Support with 3 Year Old Death Conversation

[amidsummernightsdream]

I know this has been done to death (no pun intended) and I have searched through previous threads for practical advice but I really just need to process this here as its really affected me.

DD is coming up to 3 and a half. I've suspected a conversation about death has been brewing this last few weeks and have tried to prepare. Very fortunate that we've not yet had any direct experience of it but things have been coming up where she's asked about my grandma or even characters in history that have come up. I explained that they had died and they weren't here anymore and she didn't ask too much more and accepted basic answers until last night...

Oh my goodness the questions she was asking and the way she was articulating herself just blew me away...what happens when you die, where do you go when you die, are you sad when you die. Then she asked would she die and would I die and I had (so I thought) prepared myself for this and I said in a long long long time so far away you don't need to worry about it.

She was distraught, in disbelief but asking again will she die. She then asked would everyone on our street die (we have a relatively close knit street/ neighbors) and she was so so upset. I instinctively wanted to tell her no, it's all ok but I was honest but tried to tell her it was a long long time away.

Her reaction was visceral and it's really hit me hard. There's something about the way she articulated herself and the way she was making sense of it that's really got to me and I keep playing her words and gestures over in my head.

I'm not saying I handled it perfectly but I handled it the best I could, However I feel so so emotional about it.

I think I expected more of a build up/ drip feed but it was like everything dawned on her at once.

I mean death is harsh no matter which way you look at it and I feel like I've just shattered her world. How do any of us come to terms with it?

She wanted me to go to sleep holding her and I wish I could just hold her like that forever and make everything ok. This is such a strange thing to say but I also feel more 'bonded' to her today with such an overwhelming feeling of wanting to protect her which I haven't felt before.

I know it's life but gosh this is hard. Does everyone have this 'realisation' moment? Any thoughts/ experience/ advice would be much appreciated

Everyone, yes. In different ways and with different processes, but it is literally one of the big big things every human being comes to terms with unless they die too young to have an awareness of it.
You sound like a lovely, deeply caring mummy OP. You're doing great.
There's reading material in abundance if you're interested but it's not necessary- I mean for you, not for her. Someone else hopefully will know about resources for her. That's not my field.
Bless you you have very much comforted her and handled it authentically and well. 💕

If you do want to read something, personally I would start here, but what's right for me (I have read this and it was enormously helpful in so many ways) isn't necessarily right for you. So it's just a suggestion.

Staring At The Sun: Being at peace with your own mortality: Amazon.co.uk: Yalom, Irvin: 9780349426075: Books

Thanks so much @heldinadream really appreciate your kind words.

It's funny as I actually have that book. I bought it 5 or so years ago as it peaked my interest but have been reluctant to ever read it. I do think I struggle with the idea of death myself but like most of us probably use the avoidance technique. Maybe it's time I read the book!

Thanks again for taking the time to respond

you handled this well, and didn't give dishonest/evasive answers
BUT, you say yourself that you struggle with the idea of mortality- its important that you separate your own feelings about death, including your own fears about being parted from your DD, from her feelings
she's only 3- Christmas seems an impossibly long way off, she has no ability to understand 'forever', not like you have
she may come back to this conversation often in the next few weeks, but you don't have to dwell on it- it's OK to say 'that's right DD, everyone dies in the end but usually only when they are very old, or they are so ill the doctor can't help them get better- but that's not happening to us now is it? so lets....(insert distracting activity) instead of thinking about sad things'

@newtlover thank you. That script is very helpful.
I just dont think i was prepared for how upset she would be. I naively thought it would be more matter of fact at this age.
The way you've worded it there works well to address it but also move things on. Will keep that in mind for next time as I do want to be more prepared.
Thank you