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I think I'm one and done - anyone else?

8 replies

LookAtThatCritter · 21/08/2024 03:34

I have one son (almost 2) and I thought that I wanted a bunch of kids. I always imagined huge family gatherings in later years, a house full of teenagers and their friends etc. More recently I've been thinking about having another baby and I've realised that I'm not wanting another one, I just want to go back in time and have my son to be little for a while longer.

We live in the US - maternity leave is a joke, good daycares are hard to find and we don't live near family. We already have to be in the military to have affordable insurance and although we'd like to move back to the UK for our son to grow up in, it's going to take a while for us to get there.

Did anyone else decide they were one and done, know it was the right decision but still feel sad about it? I can't imagine bringing another child into this world when it feels so awful. I've always wanted to foster though so that might be worth looking into?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Firenzeflower · 21/08/2024 05:49

I have three but I think one is absolutely fine. My DH is an only child and has never had an issue with that. Your reasoning seems sound. Just enjoy your child and the life you've created for them.

Rocknrollstar · 21/08/2024 06:30

I think one is fine. We recently went to a party hosted by a young couple and their three month old DD. The young woman announced one and done. Enjoy the one you have.

toodledo · 21/08/2024 06:46

I was about to create a thread on this myself. I also pictured having more than 1 (probably 2) but for many, many reasons we are firmly OAD. Our child is almost 2.

My mental health - I massively struggled with intrusive thoughts and after a lot of therapy, they've only just started to die down. So much of my own childhood trauma was resurfaced in a way I never could foresee.

He was so colicky as a newborn, the bone-chilling newborn screams and sleepless nights felt like torture. I also had a traumatic birth.

When he wasn't crying, I found the baby stage quite boring and repetitive - he's got way more personality now of course but wouldn't want to repeat.

I gained so much weight when I was pregnant and it was really hard work to lose it again. My breasts have changed completely and aren't what they were. I'm also still breastfeeding, which I love, but my body has suffered because of it a little.

Returning to work after mat leave was hard - really hard. Manager who didn't give a toss about me, whole team had changed, was up for a promotion and then told I couldn't expect to get one if I'd gone on mat leave for a year.

Generally career-wise - there is some overtime expected in a creative role like mine which would be way harder with multiple children. It's much more common for mothers to also be full time workers and I find that balancing act still very very challenging.

Finances - we're comfortable enough right now and can give him whatever he needs and do fun days out. With two it would be so much harder.

Also - it is bloody HARD WORK. Toddlers are hard work. I am committed to responsive / gentle parenting (not 'gentle' as in permissive parenting, which it's often misinterpreted as). I want to be the best I can be for him and give him all the love he needs, but boundaries and guidance too. That is work enough with just one child.

The schedules to manage pick ups / childcare gaps / getting dog walks in every day feel like a game of Tetris.

I came from a family of 5 children and I felt we didn't get the love and attention each of us needed from our parents. They were spread way too thin. I have a poor relationship with both of them. With just one child, I will hopefully never make him feel neglected or unloved because parents are too busy with the needs of other children.

I also frequently wonder, how people cope with a toddler and a newborn. HOW. I guess you get through it - but I personally wouldn't enjoy it. And that wouldn't be fair to either child!

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SnapdragonToadflax · 21/08/2024 06:54

I'm one and done, and I am an only child myself who had a very happy childhood. I think that makes a difference - I know I was absolutely fine. I never particularly wanted a sibling.

I had a tough pregnancy and found being a mum of a baby and toddler really hard. I honestly think I would have gone mad if I'd had another when my son was under 4, and as I had him at 37 I sort of ran out of time to wait until I felt better. But it's absolutely fine - I don't want another. I do feel a little sad sometimes and wonder what that other person would be like... but I don't want to do it.

That said, give me a potty trained 3.5 year old who I am already bonded to as if I'd cared for them from birth, and I'd be happy 😂

NatMoz · 21/08/2024 06:59

I'm one and done. DD is 3 in December. She's tantrumming now and unreasonable at dinner times. It takes 2 of us to control her. As it stands, any newborn would be totally neglected as she requires so much attention!

littlemisspickles · 21/08/2024 07:03

I have just one, 17 now, and I wouldn't change a thing. We've been able to give her so much in terms of time and money and I love our little family. I do remember feeling sad that I didn't want any more, which sounds odd I know, when friends I met when DD was born went on to have their second and more. And my husband would have had more definitely however is also happy with our decision now.

Lovewine1975 · 21/08/2024 07:04

I'm another 1 and done, had a traumatic birth followed by PND it was awful and completely ruined the first 6 months or so of having our DD, I just wasn't going to put myself through that again. Our DD is now 12 and we haven't regretted our decision for a minute

AlmostCutMyHairToday · 21/08/2024 07:30

Before having a kid I didn't quite appreciate what a gamble it is - you might get a healthy & happy one, or you might not. I'm not strong enough for that, and wouldn't have another for this reason alone (not to mention the pregnancy with HG was the hardest thing I've had to do, and if we had another poor sleeper - waking 8x a night until 16 months - I think it would kill me!!).

Also, I've always felt I'd be happy with one. More than one and I'd feel like butter spread too thin.

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