Struggling with taking dummy away from 4 year old - help!

[Jemjar56]

So my son was 4 at the end of July, and when I say he was OBSESSED with his dummy, I mean he spent every waking hour not at nursery asking for it, always wanting it in his mouth and it was becoming such a battle.

He did absolutely fine without it at Nursery, he never asks for it at his dads or his grandmas house (apart from bed time) but as soon as he’s home with me it’s all he wants.

He was so obsessed I felt like the only way to get rid was to go cold turkey. He has definite dummy teeth and if I let him he’d have had it in his mouth literally 24/7. I had mentioned giving his dummy to the dummy fairy when he was 4 for around a month before his birthday, then once he was 4 we cut up one dummy every day until they were gone (he had a fair few!). In return, he picked out a nice new teddy and a toy and all seemed ok.

Except it’s been so SO hard. The first day was particularly bad, he screamed on/off for 6 hours for it, I felt so guilty but didn’t cave. Night time came which I was dreading, he has never in his life went to sleep without the dummy, but I was shocked to see he went down just fine after asking if the dummy was gone.

The only issue is he woke up at midnight and screamed, and I mean SCREAMED, hit, kicked, complete meltdown for hours and hours on end. Again, I didn’t cave, but I felt so horrendously guilty. Nothing else I offered helped he eventually just went to sleep,

It has been a week today, and he has screamed every single night for hours on end. He stayed at his dad’s last night (he stays one night a week), and he slept the entire night and never mentioned the dummy at all. Not once. So I was hopeful today might be better.

Except he’s just gone down again after screaming for three hours for the dummy. I’m ashamed to say I completely lost my temper and shouted that I couldn’t take it anymore, and shouted at him to just stop screaming and to please just give me a break. I feel terrible, but I’m absolutely exhausted with it. And so frustrated that he only seems to do this for me.

Does anyone have any tips? I really don’t want to reintroduce the dummy at this stage, and he does absolutely fine without it for basically everyone but me so I know he can manage without, but it’s so hard.

Honestly, I'd just keep riding it out cold Turkey.

Maybe you could implement a little reward system? Whatever he likes, if he goes through the night nicely, or doesn't ask for it in the day etc.

And maybe with any future kids, go cold Turkey earlier? When they're that bit younger they don't remember as much! We did no dummies in the day at all at 10 months, then around his second birthday just went cold Turkey over night and it was absolutely fine. Asked for it once or twice, but nicely went.

4yo have long memories. I agree with PP you need to keep going. Have you asked him why he's okay without it at nursery or daddy's house? You might get some insight...

At this point you really can't give the dummy back.

Maybe go and pick out a new soft toy with him explaining that it is in place of the dummy?

He’s got in a habit at your house so keep it up. Reward for stopping screaming and going to bed.

I'd give it back - imo you can't force a child to be ready to give up something that gives them security and comfort until they're ready. One of mine was like this (I have 9 and only 2 had a dummy for more than a couple of months and 3 took no dummy at all). We had the agreement it was only for bedtime. The first week of yr 1 - age 5 he came home and declared he didn't want it anymore and that was it - gone. No fuss, no crying. He has no teeth issues (we did use orthodontic dummies) and no speech issues - I think probably because I never let him speak with the dummy in his mouth - always told him to take it out to speak.

Thank you @StampOnTheGround thats a great idea, I may make a little rewards chart, and yes totally agree with you, my biggest regret is not getting rid earlier 😣 I’ll admit the biggest factor in not doing it sooner is that he was (and still is!) such a terrible sleeper, he would never nap without it and bed times were extremely stressful. He was similarly obsessed with his baby bottle until he was two, we also went cold turkey with that and it was a battle but not this bad

I really wouldn’t give it back. The fact that he can manage just fine without it in different situations shows that this is a bad habit that needs to be broken.

@PurBal i asked him this morning and he said it’s because his step sister doesn’t have a dummy at his dads (she is 6). The kids at nursery have no dummys as they aren’t allowed to take them so I do think that’s a big deterrent for him as when we visit my brother and his older cousin he never asks for it when she’s there, but as soon as she is gone he wants it.

Unfortunately it’s just me and him at home 6 nights a week so I’m unsure how to apply the same logic in his head at home 🥲

Just say now you’re 4 you are too old for it, it’s only for babies.

Can you emphasise the "you're a big grown up boy" side of things by giving him fun (to a 4yo) jobs or tasks to do, now you're a grown up 4yo you can do XYZ with me, struggling to think of a good example but like you get to push the trolley, you can choose the apples, ask his opinion on things. You're so grown up, now you get to put the ticket in the car park machine, you choose where we have lunch. You're a grown up now so you get to pick out a big boy lego set rather than duplo, etc etc. Treat him like a grown up, in a manageable way. And regularly drop in mentions of little babies don't get to do this. Dummies are for babies and you're not a baby. You're a big boy, you've got XYZ comfort item instead.

It sounds like you’ve been incredibly dedicated and brave in tackling your son's dummy dependence, and it’s understandable to feel exhausted and overwhelmed. The fact that he’s sleeping well at his dad’s place but struggles with you might be due to the emotional connection and comfort he associates with you. Try to stay consistent with your approach and consider reinforcing positive behavior—perhaps a reward system or extra praise when he goes without the dummy. Also, maintaining a calm and comforting bedtime routine can help soothe him. It’s okay to seek support, whether from a professional or a parenting group, to help navigate this transition. Be kind to yourself; you’re doing a great job, and it’s okay to have challenging moments. Hang in there—this tough phase will pass, and your efforts will pay off.

👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻
I think you have done brilliantly - hang on in there.
He is being a bit of a cheeky monkey playing up for you. Be reassured that he has shown he doesn't need it and stick to your guns!

I hate them with a passion and never gave them to my children as I had heard of stories like yours.

It's gone, gone for good. Do not give it back or replace it.

I’m so pleased to say that just a couple of days later and we’ve had two nights so far without any screaming! He does occasionally wake and ask for the dummy but a cuddle and a teddy bear later and he’s back to sleep, so I PRAY we are getting somewhere 🤞

If I’m ever fortunate enough to have another DC remind me to never introduce a dummy 🥲