Am I being unreasonable?

[Natjade]

So I currently have 4 weeks left of my pregnancy and really struggled this time round. I have a 3 year old daughter whos getting tested for ADHD & is very hard work. My partner spends all his time either working, gym, making a mess, stuck on YouTube, smoking.. Just basically doing what he wants when he wants & makes my life harder. He'll get his other daughter on a weekend and leave her with me to look after aswell (when I'm already struggling with my own daughter). Am I being unreasonable moaning about it or should I really be getting more help?

You are not unreasonable to expect your partner to pull his weight in parenting. However moaning about it is unlikely to be productive, not least because you've probably already done that, right?

If you gave him an ultimatum of either he fully engages in family life or he leaves, which do you think he'd choose?

I fall down to moaning now as when I talk to him it doesn't sink in his head properly. He'd come down to family life, but after a week or so it just goes back to the same old. He runs his own business aswell so it's not a 9 to 5 job where he can't get out of it, I'm glad I'm not being unreasonable been blaming a lot on my hormones now when I don't think it is that at all😬

I think what you've got is a fundamental misunderstanding.

You are heavily pregnant and you're looking after your 3yo plus his daughter when she comes at the weekend. You're looking at him and you're thinking "If I was in his shoes, I'd be bending over backwards to lighten Natjade's load." Because that's the right thing to do, isn't it? You see him as someone who isn't really understanding how you're feeling and if you could only find the right words to explain how important to you this is and how misguided he's being, he'd realise the error of his ways and he'd change.

But here's the important thing - he knows you're pregnant, he knows he offloads his daughter on to you, he knows he swans in and out as he wishes and leaves it all to you. You seem to be thinking that he doesn't know what impact all this has on you. What you are fundamentally misunderstanding is that he absolutely knows; he just doesn't care.

Those few days when he puts in the absolute bare minimum after you've had a go at him isn't about him feeling guilty or wanting to change. It's just that he wants you to stop moaning at him for a while. From your point of view the core problem is his lack of engagement in family life. From his point of view the core problem is that he's bored of you complaining and so he'll do the least he thinks he can get away with, for as little time as possible, as long as it gets you to shut up. He doesn't want to fix the actual problem, he just wants to hit the snooze button on the alarm clock of your dissatisfaction.

Which comes back to my original question - if you gave him an ultimatum of either he fully engages in family life or he leaves, which do you think he'd choose?

He doesn't sound like much of a partner. You have an opportunity now to set out a new path in the last few weeks of your pregnancy and newborn days. Be firm and clear or you risk having both of your children, his daughter and him to look after. Who looks after you? It is never unreasonable to ask for a parent to parent.

My partner has a job that never ends and I used to have that role too. It wasn't uncommon for us to work 7 days a week or until 9 or 10pm at night. I moved to a more regular job. Before having our daughter he would work at weekends and late in the evenings. We alternate bedtimes and every other day my partner does bedtime. The other day he does some extra work. He does a bit at the weekend but only when my mine and my daughters needs have been met. It is possible to have a non 9-5 role and not leave all the burden to the other parent. With routine you can find time to work and parent and it's important that the parenting comes first enough to be fair to both parents.

You have made me see things alot different, it's hard work just for him to take the bin out now a days. He doesn't like being on his own so I know he'd still choose family life. I kinda blame his own upbringing aswell as he has 2 sisters 2 brothers and his dad wasn't around much we're as my parents were still together up until my mum passed and had a really good upbringing. It just pees me off the fact if his mum brother anyone ring for anything like a little job doing he's straight there doing it we're as me I'm waiting months. I never use to be a push over till I met him and we've been together 6 years and myself as a person is just drained and just let things go. I need an alternative method to use that's not talking to him and repeating myself, thankyou both for your comments I really appreciate this as sometimes I think I'm in a world of my own and my family only agree with me because there family. It's nice to have other perspectives on this 😊

He'll get his other daughter on a weekend and leave her with me to look after aswell

Why are you allowing this? This should be an absolute NO from you. She's not your child you are not watching her. End of discussion.

I'm sorry to say you have a lot of work ahead of you, op. I'd be making plans for your own future, without him, if I were you.