Husband disinterested

[worryingwartsandall]

Hi everyone
I just had my third
He has reflux and things are tough and to
Make It worse, I had HG in pregnancy so was quite unavailable for any "fun" and we moved to a new area when pregnant so I don't know anyone that well here. I work full time and was working until early hours throughout pregnancy (remotely) and I need to ensure I'm in a position mentally and physically to return to work in about 6 months. Also, I do resent maternity leave set ups for us mums sometimes as I learned previously- we do
It all on maternity leave, then when back at work our husbands don't know what needs doing so I try to always keep my husband involved to an extent (eg the odd expressed bottle or nappy change) around his work of course. Things are that much trickier because our baby has medicine and timings are strict but I'm not asking my husband to get involved. I'm finding him
So rude and abrasive. He always says he is tired (he has never done a night feed) he never offers to get me a glass or water or tea and watches me struggle with the baby who can't be put down and getting water. He just is Mr fun in the house- bought a Nintendo for my older 2 which I hate but he loves gaming and it's just a source of power struggle with my kids. Watched movies. Takes them to get mc Donald's. That's his involvement. Basically all the things that are a source of tension with my older two (one with special needs can't watch loads of tv as it sends them a bit crazy )- I'm always the fun police saying eat veggies and fruit, no tv or Nintendo all day. With the baby he does nothing unless asks and if asked he may not do it, in the mornings I set the alarm to ask him to get up at a certain time on the weekends to help get the kids out to activities or help with breakfast. He always ignores it. Says he is too tired. I ask him to do something he says not unless you write it down which obviouslt is hard in the moment because I'm juggling everything. He says he is too tired and sits down while I'm walking around breast feeding making medicine getting breakfast for the other two. And then his phone may ring and he is on the phone to a friend laughing away having an amazing time. He has booked to go to Japan on a work "jolly", a stag do and a trip to see his brother in Greece all in Septembers how can he be tired?
I'm at my wits end. I also am so lonely. And feel I'm losing my other two kids who just think I'm the boring one but I need to have them ready for school and et reading a page of a book etc before starting back again not watching 4 hours of tv

What would u do?
Should I just stop bothering and asking?lower my expectations? Today my sister and her husband is visiting and staying with us. He ignored me asking for some help and when I was in the next door room (he was in kitchen with my sis and BIL), he shut the kitchen door so I could nt be involved. I was sat feeding so couldn't really do anything but it's hurtful. It's like he is angry at me asking him to do things. He then arranged today to be at a theme park 1.5 hours away; I'm so nervous with the baby and feed times travelling in a car etc. It then I'm the fun sponge saying no.
Should I just freeze him back out and think ok if you care you can come back?
Would you just stop asking him for help?

It sounds like you have 4 kids one is just a big adult baby!!! I don’t know what it is with some men when kids come along they turn their partners and wives into pseudo mummy for them…. Completely turns me off… I’m in the same boat ( not the reflux etc that sounds horrible) but the man baby and I’m planning my out even if he only had the kids EOW I would get an actual break and he would have to actually parent… so my advise keep quiet till you are back at work then start planning your break as this is not a partnership

So you knew this about him so keep on having children with him?, if he is not interested he is not interested sure doesn't sound right but don't see what you can actually do other than realise you will be raising these children by yourself basically

Should I just freeze him back out and think ok if you care you can come back?
Would you just stop asking him for help?

I would t do either at the moment. With your first option that just seems the fast way to heartache on your part. He's not an intelligent or supportive husband and he's not seeing that you are struggling. I just can't see how this tactic would work? He's not suddenly going to change and realise the error of his ways.

And no, I wouldn't stop asking for help. You need to make your needs clear.

I would talk to him though and tell him how you're feeling, preferably somewhere neutral. Is there anyone who can have the older DC and you and your DH go out for a drive or a pub or cafe whilst you talk?

Have you made it absolutely clear to him that he can't carry on behaving like this towards you and something has to change, even if it means the change is him moving out?

This sounds awful, what a stressful life for you OP. You deserve better.

He is acting like he simply doesn’t care and you are doing all the hard work.

I agree that a talk with your husband is a good idea, somewhere without the children (if possible), and have a calm discussion about the state of your relationship and lack of help. Make sure he understands how important it is to you.

If he doesn’t change I think you need to look into couples counselling, or ask him to move out.

I wish you good luck.

You knew this yet continued to have children with him...? Just have to buck up & get on with it!

Nice to see that the OP's DH has made an appearance

@PolaroidPrincess thank you I appreciated your humour there I was starting to wonder if this is a supportive group or not
Of course it's all my fault to have continued to have children with him. I suppose we live in hope to an extent and look for the. Best in people. It was never ever this bad before. He needed nudges but was more involved absolutely with the other two. Perhaps my expectations are too high!
I am grateful for the responses and advice

@PivotPivotmakingmargaritas thank you great advice

I'm assuming he was hands on with your first two, so I'm wondering why he's so disengaged with this one.

I would have a conversation with him and try to find out what's going on. Perhaps it's stress, depression or he wasn't as on board with the third one.

I would make my feelings clear, allocate roles and chores and ask him to step up. I would agree boundaries with the children regarding, TV, gaming and fast food and stick to it. Children need firm boundaries and for both parents to be on board.

If there's no change, then you'll have to accept that your husband doesn't respect you and he's checked out.

My first dh was similar. We had 3 ds's before he did a single bath time. And he used baby oil not shampoo to make sure I never asked again. I ltb and didn't look back. He resented I didn't work. His dsis did and had dc.. But she had free childcare courtesy of mil. We had 4 under 7. Work would have been a bloody relief... He was very abusive eventually and I left for our safety.