How do I stop being so insecure?

[thebecster]

So I've come to realise that DS (22 mo) is becoming quite insecure, which shows itself in aggression. Discussed it with his keyworker at nursery, DH and others, and all agreed he's a bit insecure. Not hugely, but enough to be affecting his behaviour.

After reflection I think it's partly because I'm so insecure and I think he's picking up on it. eg. I noticed that I tell him I love him, on average, about every half hour when I'm with him. I do the same with DH, but DH isn't picking up his world view from me! I never really argue with anyone, not even on MN, let alone in RL. In the 10 years of being with my DH I have only once said 'I am angry with you', and then I apologised straight afterwards... I apologise to people if I'm in a queue in front of them. I apologise if I'm in someone's way, even if there's no other place for me to be.

So how do I become more secure in myself so that I don't make DS insecure, considering it's taken me 35 years to get as insecure as this, and I can't see how I can get less insecure in time before I make him completely neurotic...

Or maybe I'm just too screwed up to be a mother? But then I'd be missing out on DS who is just the best thing that ever happened to me. Has anyone any thoughts? I've had years of therapy, which was useful and brought me from complete flat-out self-hatred to my current level of mild neurosis. But not sure therapy is the answer to this one. Maybe I'm wrong... Anyway...

Hi thebecster

I dont have any answers but really watching this thread hoping for somebody with some insight to come along.

I am worrying about the same thing happening with my son. although more on a body image for me. Hes only 7 months at the moment so nothing yet but i do worry that my insecurities and 'hang ups' will be passed onto him, and even worse if i have a girl.

Ive also had moments where i think i dont deserve him or the other way - he deserves somebody 'normal'. Then i look around my local town and see that i havent met anybody 'normal' in years! Thats not very helpful either is it - so from my point we are all screwed, just different levels of screwd-up-ness!

And yes i am blaming that awful post on hormones!

I think you sound like you need some cognitive behaviour therapy to help you to think a little differently about yourself. We are all insecure to a certain degree and it comes from low self esteem. You need to explore where this is coming from and how to build up your sense of self worth. You have just as much right as everyone else to be here, to have an opinion and to have your needs met but no-one is going to believe that unless you believe in it yourself. You owe it to your son to show him what a wonderful, confident and happy person you are. Speak to your GP.

I am just past the mild neurosis stage. Realised that I had to change when Dd (then 18 months) began apologising for everything 20 - 30 times a day and also she made 'kiss' noises at us almost constantly for several months from the age of 8 months, seemed to be a security thing. Picked it up from me, obv.

1. Stop apologising! As soon as you are aware of it, stop doing it! Will only take a few days, seriously, your habit will be broken.
2. Don't know if you do the kissing noises, but stop that too!
3. Relax, check that your body language and facial expressions are relaxed, and that in turn will make you feel more relaxed. Also monitor your tone of voice. Just wondered, is your 'I love you' a happy statement 'I love you! ' or a question 'I love you? ' BIG difference. P.S. Sorry. makes kiss noise

Ladybabo, you are a fellow traveller

I will try your tips. Not apologising sounds like a very tough mountain to climb for me... But I'll do it. I think my 'I love you' is like that thing from AA Milne -

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. 'Pooh!' he whispered.
'Yes Piglet?'
'Nothing,' said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. 'I just wanted to be sure of you.'

And thanks Ellideb. I had cognitive behaviour therapy a while back, and found it quite helpful. I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be, as mentioned above. But I have much higher standards for myself now that I'm a role model for DS.

BDE - I agree, we're all a bit screwed up aren't we? Maybe the most screwed up of all are the ones who think that they aren't screwed up, because while we might be neurotic at least we've got some insight into ourselves!