Other half says I need to trust him more with our baby

[minemine1989]

Am I being unreasonable?

Me and my partner regularly have arguments about the safety of our 9 month old.

since our little one has begun sitting up my OH has sat him on the bunker in the kitchen. Less than a stones throw away from the kettle and next to the sink. I’ve raised my concerns countless times but he just tells me I’m being too overprotective and I should trust him.
on these occasions I’ve watched him walk away from the bunker to the fridge to get milk. He ensures me that if the baby was to fall that he is close enough to stop it.

Today when making a coffee my LO almost grabbed the washing liquid. I jumped to intervene and my OH told me I overreacted because even if our LO did get hold of it he wouldn’t be able to open or get any liquid out. He even went to hand him the the liquid to prove to me and I told him not to cause we don’t want him thinking it’s okay to play with.

this led to a big argument because I said it just wasn’t worth the risk and just because nothing has happened doesnt mean it’s okay to do. He said I should trust him more. He says that we still go outside and we could get hit by a bus so what’s the difference. I told him it’s all about risk assessing and I wouldn’t cross the road when a vehicle is coming or not lotting etc…

he said what he usually says that he just won’t bother “playing” with our child since I don’t trust him. I’ve told him that sitting him on the counter is not playing or “exploring” as he once described it as. Especially as he’s now moving about now.

am I overreacting and being over protective?

I just don’t know why he would want to take the risk?

I do think you are slightly overreacting but that's understandable as it's your first child. You do need to allow for slightly different levels of risk as that is his patent as well so he does have a right to use his own judgement.
It's not like he's driving around with no car seat, or smoking next to him or giving him knives.
I'd say my DH is a little more lax than me. We have 4 children. I do get anxious but sometimes that's legitimate whereas sometimes it's ott. If I feel it's ott I take myself away from the situation.
Our eldest is 10 and my DH is a good dad. His judgement is sound even if it isn't as uptight as mine would be.
However I have a baby right now and even I might have them sat on a bench a foot or so away from me whilst I got something from the fridge. I think that's not actually so bad. But saying that I do have quick reflexes having had so many kids, it gets ingrained in you to always be watching out of the corner of your eye.
Tye thing about the washing up liquid and the kettle is that unless the baby was completely unattended it's not that mad because getting a kettle off its base or opening washing up liquid require a certain amount of strength and dexterity. A baby of 9 months might be able to do it but it would take more than a second and if he was stood right near there's not really any risk is there as he could have intervened fast.
I think these are instances where its left up to the parent to judge acceptable amount of risk. And he is also the parent.

I think you are both wrong here.

On the one hand... accidents happen in the blink of an eye... you won't catch them. Plus babies put things in their mouths... I wouldn't want washing up liquid near my babies mouth! Additionally his response is very childish.

On the other hand... it does sound like you are treating him like a child. Are you sure uou aren't constantly hovering and scolding?

I do often walk away and don’t look and pray that his judgement is right. On the latest occasion I was also in the kitchen.

but I know how quick our LO can be and I just don’t think it’s worth risking him falling from the kitchen counter.

but I appreciate it from your point of view

im not treating him like a child or scolding him.. I just said it makes me uncomfortable.

i told him the first time he did that I didn’t think it was a good idea and he insisted he was fine. So I tend to look away to stop me from worrying. However, this latest occasion I just happened to be in the kitchen.

I absolutely see you point of view and it is not easy to calm your anxiety over what you think is an unacceptable risk.

I would urge you to try and think about it from your partners perspective though.

If he was to criticize the way you were with your child, how would that make you feel? It can easily be heard as you saying you're a better parent.

I don't think you're being at all over the top op.

Sitting a baby on the kitchen counter is stupid, washing up liquid is meh, but you will have a lot easier life if you're both considered equal parents of your child otherwise he'll end up deferring to you all the time and eventually doing the infuriating learned helplessness thing.

He has to learn for himself though, just like you did. It'd have been easier to start at day one.

I'm not sure what a bunker is, but there is no way I'd be sitting a mobile 9 month old on the kitchen counter. Or letting them loose by the kettle or the washing up liquid.

Not washing up liquid washing detergent.

i don’t watch over everything he does - this is the only thing that I worry about.

my worry with letting him learn himself with this particular thing is that mh baby could be seriously injured if he falls off the counter or falls on the kettle. I just feel like it’s common sense not to have a baby on the kitchen counter??

Sorry bunker is counter where I’m from lol

I just feel like it’s an unnecessary risk. He could do it 99 times and nothing happens but that 100th time could have major consequences if he falls.

I work with children and I guess I risk assess more than normal

Leaving a 9 month old sitting on a kitchen counter is just stupid. As you say they’re fast and could fall so easily. And unless your counters are particularly low, it’d be a serious fall.

Putting a baby on a kitchen counter is stupid.
I'd ask your health visitor to come and speak to him.

I think “reasonable” is somewhere in the middle. Leaving a child unattended on a counter even for 1 second, for me, is just asking for an accident to happen. Yes accidents do and will happen, but there are some accidents that are totally avoidable by NOT leaving a young child unattended up a height.

But at some point you have to trust him to assess the risks for your child as well, he’s going to be alone with him at some point, and you need to be able to believe he can look after him.

YANBU, a baby should not be sat on a kitchen worktop. A baby should also not be anywhere near a kettle or any sort of detergents/cleaning materials. They could easily grab the cord and knock the kettle over.

Those things are just basic common sense and are not OTT.

Putting a baby on the kitchen counter and walking away is stupid.

A baby reaching towards a closed bottle of washing detergent is not really an issue as long as he was their to take it away, which it sounds like he was.

I think asking him not to put the baby on the kitchen counter is perfectly reasonable and if he can't just go along with you on this I'd question why. Even if he thinks it's a little over the top it's hardly a great effort for him to not put the baby on the counter. I'd have a think whether you're so consistently telling him not to do things that he's tuning you out. Maybe change is needed from both sides.

God, no. Your baby could lunge out of his chair/tip over/be able to reach the kettle/fall on the floor. Ridiculous risk to take. I would not trust dh if he thought this was safe either.

If you work with kids and risk-assess as part of your job, tell dh this!!

I wouldn’t put a baby on a counter but picking up a bottle of washing up liquid wouldn’t bother me.

Do you explain your concerns gently and outside of an argument? I think some of what you say does come across as being overprotective. However, some of what he does isn’t safe. It’s something you both need to resolve though.

Do you have somewhere safe to put baby when in the kitchen? Is his high chair in there or similar? If not that would be my first move, and make sure there is somewhere safe for him to be.

It’s not washing up liquid it’s washing detergent.

it always starts out as a chat and he always ends with him saying I don’t trust him. Which isn’t true. I’ve left him in his care lots of times. I just think it’s a silly risk to take

It’s always while he’s making a cup of tea that places him on the counter. He wouldn’t bother putting the high chair up.

I’m far from overprotective but I agree he is careless. I would never sit a child that age on the counter, anything can happen. And close to the stove is even more dangerous. I have no advice as I luckily didn’t have to deal with parenting with an OH.

If I wanted to make a cup of tea when mine were 9 months they would have been on the floor or on my hip. Perhaps in the high chair if it was more involved job eg the washing up. They can play/ have a snack quite happily. Do you have the high chair out all the time? Why does he need to put him on the counter?

Just have the high chair out all the time then so he can be popped in, lots of people use a jumperoo for that when my DD was small, we had something similar but was a baby Einstein one and wasn't bouncy