3 year old destructive behaviour

[Mikka3]

Does anyone else’s 3 year old just cause complete carnage ? I mean every toy out, throwing things, running into roads, throwing things, into everything and will not listen? No matter how many times you’ve said no don’t do this, don’t do that, no matter how many times you’ve rewarded good behaviour?
I feel like I am just failing here

Going to be 3 next week.

Mine is 3.5 and he has phases where he's a little pain in the ass but generally he's a good little guy. He's never run into a road, the first sign of doing that he'd be back in reins straight away until he can prove he can keep himself safe. He does throw things a lot, I went through a stage of throwing it away if he threw it but he doesn't care. He's definitely rewarded by negative responses so I tell him no and try to ignore him if he's not hurting anyone or in danger.

Mine is like this but he's under paeds for suspected ASD. His current thing is throwing anything and everything at anybody regardless of how many times he's told not to 😫

You say you've tried rewarding good behaviour. I know this is a taboo nowadays, but have you tried punishing bad behaviour? And making the punishment something that's actually unpleasant enough that the child really won't want to do it again?

This!!!!!!

When DS was around 2.5 we had some of this but lobbing stuff consistently resulted in a time out and if it was a toy then also it being removed until the next day, because it’s just dangerous tbh. He learned pretty quickly. Same with the running off outside- the first hint of not walking nicely and failing to hold hands and he’d be wrestled into the pram and pushed home screeching. Exhausting phase, honestly it nearly broke me, but again he cottoned on pretty quickly. He’s 3.5 now and actually pretty pleasant most of time! Every toy out we still get occasionally but I’ve found it’s a sign he’s tired so can be dealt with easily enough by starting bath/bed early.

What have you tried other than saying no and rewarding the good behaviour? Not saying the above will necessarily work for you as they’re all different but definitely sounds like you need a different approach. Or could be something like hearing issue or ASD. Has he seen the health visitor for a milestone check recently?

We did this too and it worked pretty quickly - definitely much more pleasant by 3.5. I'm very glad, because toy cars really fucking hurt when they hit you on the head.

It's important to react immediately - so toy thrown, toy vanishes. And never change your mind, no matter how much they yell. They sense weakness.

About to turn 3 year old here too. If he dares throw anything it is removed and he is told that more will be removed if he continues. You need firm rules and consequences.

Today he had a little mad moment where he was going to throw a heavy toy. He heard me behind him, "I'd have a little think if I were you if throwing that toy is a good idea."

The toy was gently placed down and he wandered off to do something else.

I do not trust him not to run into the road. Not out of naughtiness, but because he's still young in that regard and hasn't developed proper road safety skills yet. I just watch him like a hawk and talk about it. He knows what to say but I don't trust him at all yet to not accidentally run out.

Try culling the toys. I find kids throw toys about if they have too many. Have a really big clear out. Then implement a toy rotation of the messiest toys (things that can be tipped everywhere like blocks, duplo etc.)

For those who say to remove the toy, I wander what you would do when they have a younger sibling, it might be a shared toy or siblings toy.. I have that situation. It's not fair to also punish the 16 month old

Thankyou for these really helpful replies.

He had one SLT assessment at 2&1/2 years but they wasn’t concerned and told me to give him some time. He’s made big improvements with his speech but it’s still delayed so I’ve sorted a follow up appointment.

With the running off, he gets strapped into the pram. Then I feel silly as he’s big for his age, like I’m babying him by putting him in the pram but it’s just easier than having him collapse on the floor, refuse to walk or run off.

I’ve tried punishing but I’ve never remained consistent with it.
Hearing the success stories on here is really helpful. I am going to implement taking the toy away starting from tomorrow. Place is a bombsite right now, there’s too many toys like Lego and bricks. Some played with, most just thrown everywhere. I really like the idea of toy rotation aswell so I’ll be doing that too. I’ve ordered some storage boxes so I can easily pack the toys away which we won’t be using that day.

I am due baby in March so I am determined to sort this out. I just felt very overwhelmed today and so glad I’ve posted here, it’s given me some hope.

@SillyNavySnail Admittedly I only have one so no experience of this, but I think for a 16 month old I'd just take it away and distract with something else? And accept there will be some screaming. You can't let the older one continue to play with toy they've been throwing just because the younger one will be upset, or you'll have anarchy.

The suggestions here are brilliant for an NT child.

My child on the other hand, doesn't respond to "I'll take the toy away." You take the toy away and he has a meltdown. You return the toy at a later time with the caveat that it must not be thrown, then he throws it again. Rinse and repeat.

It's really difficult to succeed when you're parenting a child who has little understanding of consequences, doesn't respond to punishment and has zero empathy.

I know this doesn't apply to everyone but telling the OP "have you tried punishing him?" when she's already said he doesn't respond is frustrating to read when you're up against a child who doesn't respond in a typical way.

I just wanted to update on today!

We had a home day and he threw two toys today. Both times I took them away and I think he understood what was happening because normally he would have thrown everything in sight so it’s a massive improvement! His behaviour in general was better. I started the toy rotation and actually built things with his building blocks rather than creating a mess. It was a really good day and I felt so less stressed. Hopefully this can continue, I’m so so glad I posted on here and took the advice

Great news 😊

It's around this age that they need some guidance on how to play as well. I find my son plays for longer with something if I spend 10-20 minutes playing with it with him first. If it's his train set for example, we'll set it up and then I'll involve little toy people and set out a story. Then I'll say "I'm going to do X chore now and I'll be back in a minute". Lo and behold there he is still playing by himself when I check in on him and he's acting out similar little scenarios and expanding on them himself. If he's absorbed and happy my rule is I don't disturb him until he comes looking for me.

Hi, I know this is old i just wondered how you are getting on now? My 3.5yr old is exactly as you describe and nursery think he's autistic. Has your boy improved in his behaviours since your post? Ty! X

Hi!
My son is now 4, nearly 5 and he was diagnosed with autism last August, just before his 4th birthday. It’s actually the nursery who suggested he see the children development centre because of certain repetitive behaviour, he was actually very calm and played nicely at nursery lol! I now know that he was ‘masking’ . He’s in reception now and getting on really well, he does not throw his toys, actually plays with his toys and does imaginary play. He’s much calmer at home and has started to tidy his toys up. The older he’s got, the better his behaviour has got. I think also after getting his diagnosis, I can now understand how he is and his ways, I can predict any meltdowns or triggers. It’s a journey and I’m learning each day. I hope you can get the support you need! I remember how overwhelmed I was when writing my original post, so I completely understand where you are coming from

Sorry wanted to add too
9/10 days he walks nicely beside me in public but we have the odd occasion where he will run. He now understands reward and punishment so it helps.

@Mikka3 thanks so much for the update, I'm so pleased things have improved for you, its so stressful in the moment! And great news he's doing well in reception. I dont know if my boy is autistic or not but my main worry was it never getting easier so you've eased my mind! I guess its a challenging age, autism or not!! Thanks again for responding 💞