Real dad

[Mummainneedofadvice]

Hello, I'm in need of some help/advice/support... Okay so I have 3 children by 3 different dads ( please dnt judge), first child dad didn't want to know second child was generally a one night stand ( not exactly like that ) and my youngest is who i spent nearly 8 years with who brought up my first and second as his own. Sadly we lost him due to suicide last year and basically local authority are making me tell my children about their dad not being their real dad. There is a lot more to my story but I'm cutting it short. I have no idea how to do this? I know my kids are going to hate me as they worshipped ( deceased dad ) and what's harder is that local authority got in contact with my first borns dad so now he wants contact which I'm absolutely fine with but i don't know who my second child dad is 😕 she is only 7 but my god she is a very smart girl and asking different questions. Please help 🥺🙏🥺

Don’t use the term real Dad. Tell them them that they have different biological Dads (the ones whose sperm/seeds made them) and this doesn’t mean Dad3 loved them any less. They may have lot of questions about their Dads, why their not involved in their lives and why you didn’t tell them earlier so be ready for them. Some
of these questions maybe now but some maybe later and you need to make space for them to ask them.

Do any of them see a grief counsellor or support worker? If yes, you should give them a heads up too.

Why does local authority mess around this?

You can explain children that we all have a birth dad and mum. It's not always the same person as the one we love as dad/mum.

Of course their dad they have lost was their dad! "Real dad" is not words I would use at any time in a family related conversation.

Hey, thank you for your advice it's helpful. Yes they are receiving ' Elsa ' which is counselling through school, I know this topic has been apart of it. It's a real hard and harsh situation to be in. My children are my absolute everything they have been through so much trauma last year and being made to do this now is just beyond me. Of course they need to know but just not yet 🥺

local authority are making me tell my children about their dad not being their real dad.

How have the local authority become involved?

Well to be fair that's a lil personal!

Councelling is great but if you don't want the local authority to mess with this issue tell them. Why do they think it is important to the children at this point?

It's always important for children to know who their birth parents and are not. The OP should have actually told her children from toddlerhood so it would not be a big deal.

I agree but it is not be the local authority's job to decide.

You could work with the LA on a words and pictures story for the children. Basically a book you come up with the wording and draw the pictures and it helps to explain difficult situations. Alot of authorities use it and it's really good as means the children have the books to refer back to and most importantly you have the book to refer to when you are explaining so your not just saying it off the top of your head.

We don't know why they are involved.

Of course we don't. It's not our story to tell.

Okay so April last year I witnessed my partner hang himself which made me loose my way self medicating with drugs and alcohol so social services put my children on an SGO order ( thankfully with my sister ). I believe I was unfairly treated because of my mental health, I had no support wot so ever all they wanted is to take my children so ye that's why they are involved unfortunately

Ohh am completely free from drugs and alcohol now 🙂 have my mental health under control too so will be fighting for them back 😁

I was about 7 when I learnt one of my sisters had a different biological father. I don't know why but one day I asked my mum how many times she had been married and she told me she had been married before to my sister biological father. He hasn't been involved in her life since they split up when she was 4.

Learning that we didn't have the same father didn't change the way I thought of my sister or my mother. She had a hard life with her ex husband. I was much older when I learnt those details. Remember doesn't have to be one big conversation, it's a story that will unfold with them take it slowly and at the child's pace.

How old are the children? If you were with your last partner for 8 years the eldest must be at least 10/11 and really should have been told by now about their dad, same goes for the second child.

You need to have an honest conversation with the eldest about how sometimes their 'dad' is a different person to who helped create them. Realistically you can't keep it from them, especially if their father now wants contact.

If it helps, my eldest who is almost 6 is not my partners although she calls him daddy. She is aware she has another daddy but chooses to call him by his first name to distinguish as she doesn't have contact (his choice).

I'm not judging the drugs and alcohol, you went through hell by the sounds of it and coped in whatever way worked at the time. Healthy? Nope. But it's not something that most people can say they've ever had to live through.