Funerals

[Rsb1990]

Hi all! I’m new here. I’m step mum to an amazing 15 year old.

I need some advice on behalf of my partner. Our 15 year old has had a tricky relationship with another girl in her year. We are being very careful to not express too much distaste for her but are also trying to dilute things and encourage her to hang around with other girls. When she is with this child her mood changes. She becomes surly, difficult and rude. When she’s with her other friends she’s bright, bubbly and herself again.

this friend in question sadly lost her father unexpectedly a week before the summer holidays. The parents are long separated. We discovered that our child is going to the father’s funeral this week. She didn’t tell us and she didn’t know the father. It turns out, the mother of this child contacted our child and requested she go with her friend. Are we being unreasonable here in being angry that another parent would message our child this? We tried contacting the parent, politely, to express our concerns and she has ignored our message. I’m annoyed that an adult thought it appropriate to message a child before asking the parents about something so deep? What are your thoughts?

I can understand why you’re annoyed especially as the other girl doesn’t seem to bring out the best in your DD.

It’s awful she’s lots her father of course but the mother should have asked you first imo. It will be for moral support for her daughter but DD may not have wanted to go but felt obligated being asked directly

I think yes it would have been best for parents to contact the others parents

Or alternatively for the friend to ask your daughter herself

This. But it would be pretty normal for her to attend.

also, has this woman you are annoyed with just lost her husband?

I think you need to back off here. And give your head a bit of a wobble

It says in the OP the parents are long separated.

It’s still her ex husband who has died.

Does DD want to go to the funeral?

No she hasn’t lost her husband. They have been separated for about 10 years

I think this is the issue. DD is amazing and if she wants to go then that’s fine. But this is more about the parent contacting DD and ignoring our, very polite message. If the friend did indeed request her attendance then that’s a very different story but as a previous poster put, I’m worried she feels obliged to go as an adult has asked her to.

Please refrain from being rude with comments like “head a little wobble”. I am trying to navigate this with DD’s best interests at heart and therefore, asked opinions. There was absolutely no need to attack. I was seeking learned opinion from experienced people. Thank you.

Yes, the inequality of friends parent asking puts your DD on the spot and anyone with decent social skills would be more circumspect/diplomatic and as pp said ask parent to parent or friend to friend.

You probably now know where the friend gets her social style from.

It's done now, so I'd have a supportive chat to your DD especially if she's never been to a funeral before, and give her some guidance on how to support/what to expect.

Thank you Deathbyresponsibilities - that makes sense :)

15 is a tricky age. Kids make their own arrangements... I know a funeral feels different. I actually went to my first funeral at 15, same situation in as much as it was the dad of a school friend. A handful of us went to support our friend. I can't remember at what point I told/asked my mum but she was fully aware.

First and foremost I would understand if SD wants to go or now feels obliged (pressurised) because of the message. If she doesn't want to, then she doesn't have to.

I do think it's not ok for another parent to make direct contact and I'd want to know why they had. Why didn't this girl ask her directly? I'd be annoyed at that, but it's not worth an argument over as a one off.

Main thing would be though, if it's a tricky relationship, I would want to maintain good feelings with SD.

Have you got concerns about the actual day? Could one of you take her?

Thank you. This was my second thought if she’s adamant she wants to go. Perhaps we wait outside?

I was replying to a poster asking if the woman OP is annoyed with has just lost her husband.

Yes it’s her ex husband but the situations aren’t the same if they’ve been long separated for years…

Whether you approve of the friend or not, your DD likes her and wants to go. Go with her if you're worried but I'd imagine your DD will just be there to support her friend.

If my DD was going to her father's funeral I hope she'd have a friend to come with her- for support/distraction/company. You should be glad your DD was their first thought, how lovely.

What are your concerns with her going? Her mother may be totally unaware that her DD has such an affect on your daughter. And what's her relationship with your child? My mum was very friendly with my friends and it would be quite natural for her to ask them directly to attend something - a funeral, party whatever. She's 15, not 5!
My DH passed away when my kids were small, and my stepsons teens. The older boys both brought friends to the funeral. It's a terrible thing to go through, and I really hope you think that giving support to her friend is the right thing to do.

As a teen, waiting outside would probably have been a reasonable suggestion. As a parent, I'd probably just sit inside at the back! Not sure I'd let a child go to a family/mainly adult function without a parent if you don't know any of the grown ups who will be there.

Do you have concerns about the girl's impact on SD specifically at this time? If SD does want to go, can you talk to her about what to expect? If they meet up anyway without you, you probably don't need to be right there?

I'm sitting on the fence on that as I think it depends on the details.

As for the other mum, she's seen your message, and whilst an apology would be nice, you perhaps don't know how the girl has taken her father's death or what she's having to deal with. I'd let it go as long as it doesn't happen again.

I'm wondering if the mother reached out to the friend she knew about, had details for not knowing that more recently it's been fractious at best. The mother is just trying to navigate a very tough time for her dd. Perhaps yes it was overstepping but in times of crisis sometimes we are just looking for solutions

Does your SD know the mum? Maybe the DD is in bits and her mum is helping her with navigating this awful time, which included contacting your SD. Has your SD been in contact with her friend since her dad died?

Yes, so the friend has stayed here a lot. In fact, she stayed here after she had the sad news he had passed. The situation with Dad was very complex. They hadn’t had contact for a long time as, from my understanding and I could be wrong, he has his own struggles. The friend wasn’t close to her Dad at all but of course that doesn’t take away any feelings of sadness/regret etc.

It’s so difficult to navigate. As a previous post said, it’s really wonderful that they see SD as a a good friend and I thoroughly agree that it’s so important to learn what being a good friend is all about. I think it’s the fact as well that when we contacted Mum our message was totally ignored? Wouldn’t most parents respond to reassure another parent’s concerns in this scenario? It’s so difficult to navigate without the full picture.

Yes of course and I couldn’t agree more. But why then ignore our (very polite!) message?

I agree OP that it seems a bit off

Our 15 year old

She isn't your 15yr old, she's your boyfriend's daughter and you've only been with him 18 months. You don't have parental responsibility so you shouldn't act as though you do.