Can someone please help me to parent my DS. I'm reaching breaking point.

[Spindmill]

DS1 is 20 months old. DS2 is 8 weeks old.

DS1 has not taken well to his little brother. He is showing more moments of interest, tenderness etc as time goes on, but the jealousy is still very much there. I understand the cause of a lot of his behaviour but I just don't know how to help him.

He throws the most horrendous tantrums multiple times a day. He can scream for what feels like eternity. It's his instant reaction to being told he can't have something/do something/go somewhere. He does not listen to no. He will look you in the eye and do again what he has just been told not to do.

Toys do interest him a bit but all he really wants is the 'real' version of things e.g the saucepans, the gardening tools, the hot cups of tea, and so on. I do let him get involved in an appropriate way but sometimes it's just not possible and then the screaming starts.

He loves being outside and active but I'm struggling more and more to take him out because I struggle to control him while looking after DS2 at the same time. I also worry about the judgement of others when we're out, so I stay in more, then of course DS1 gets wild being stuck in all day.

He seems such an unhappy boy a lot of the time.

Please can anyone recommend any books or techniques or absolutely anything before I end up at rock bottom or DS1 becomes stuck this way for life

I’m sorry OP this must be really hard! I appreciate it’s not exactly the same as they aren’t both my children but my god son is 20 months and my own baby is 4 months old, I’ve always looked after my godson 2 days a week so his mum can go to work (she’s a single mum) and since being on maternity I have my godson 4 days a week so she can work extra without having to pay for nursery. My godson is also an outdoorsy toddler and some of the things I’ve found most helpful to keep both entertained are:

• Football nets in my garden
• Swing and climbing set in my garden
• Sand and water table in the garden

That way he can play outside with me while I hold my baby/my baby naps.

I involve him in the little jobs as much as I can (my plants must be watered about 10 times a day😂), changing nappies, making bottles, playing with baby etc.

We do craft activities which can be done while baby plays on play mat etc.

For getting out & about we go to kids parks and I wear my baby in a carrier so I can follow him around and play, and we also go to 2 toddler groups a week, one is like a football type play thing and the other one is just a general play time, they have staff running them so it’s an extra pair of hands!

He also just comes with me to my usual baby groups for my baby and I take a few toys for him to play with there, the organisers welcome it and there’s often a couple of other toddlers there for him to play with in the room while the actual class like baby sensory is on! X

That sounds tough @Spindmill you must be exhausted. Could you have DC2 in a sling so your hands are free for DC1? He’s too young to understand why you’re suddenly having to sit everything out to hold another baby, it might help him to see you can still play with him?

oh and stuff the judgement of strangers. They’re free to offer to help if they’re actually bothered. People don’t think about us as much as we think they do- to them it’s a quick tut and a filthy look, to us it’s something we carry for a long time, but is worthless. You’re doing a great job, the fact you’re worrying shows you’re trying and care.

@Mrsttcno1 you sound like an absolutely wonderful friend.

I would second the sling. I know you will have jobs to do around the house but I try and save nap time for 1 to 1 play time with my DD. I think sometimes the behaviour is because they aren't getting the 1 to 1 time they are used to.

Do you have any other friends with children you can go out with? I often go out with older DDs friends and their mum's. Some of them only have one child so it's an extra pair of hands if I'm really stuck x

Can you find some places that are very easy to keep your son contained with less stress for you? Small playgrounds with gates, small soft plays with only one way out (at the leisure centre?), quiet outdoor spaces, unstructured toddler groups inside or outside where parents drink coffee and toddlers play.

Do you have a garden?
Lots of bubble baths in this heat.

Firstly, remember that tantrums are completely age appropriate and developmentally normal for a 20 month old. They are a sign that he is developing normally, not that there is anything wrong with him or you.

It is not your job to stop the tantrum. It's your job to keep him safe (move him somewhere soft where he can't hurt himself) and to help him regulate where necessary (stay close by, offer a cuddle, stroke his back/talk calmly if that helps him). Hold your boundaries calmly and consistently and he will come out the other side (and then you can go through it all again with DC2 😂).

If getting out helps then prioritise this. Don't worry about other people. Look for somewhere that's safe for him to run/burn off his energy. If you have bookable tennis courts near you this can be money well spent! Book a tennis court take balls/trucks/friends and let them go mad in a fenced in space. Look for garden toys.

Pick your battles, let him have the real version of stuff wherever possible. Try and reframe things in the positive so you're not saying 'no' all the time.

💪🌺you will manage somehow and discover little tricks that work for you. It is your kids so be patient. There are there for life ....

I'm sending hugs and supports, it is so tough when they are young, your post reminded me a lot of when mine were that age and some days are just horrendous. Please remember every single parent has the bad times too, they don't always admit to it. You are doing your best and that is fantastic. 💐

In terms of practical help, do what works for you. For us, these things helped. I had an "emergency" box or two of toys j kept hidden until rock bottom days/days they were ill, just to help. Mine had balloons in-one good game was to tie balloons to string then our legs and chase each other round garden/room, winner had to pop other ones. Balloon on string tied to top of door, toddler had to hit it lots with a sponge bat.
If sunny, tub of water plus grown up DIY paint brushes, make your toddler "paint" the house with water then sun dries it and they start again. Can also do with big. Chalk then paint to "wash" it off.
I used to make bath time last an hour, or do water play in it on rainy days, my toddler used to love"cleaning" the bathroom, I made them a squirty bottle plus water and some perfume so it was like a "real" spray. Sometimes I'd collect lots of plastic bottles/crap from recycling and put itnin the bath with toddler plus a washing up tub of soapy water, then let the water play commence, I'd change it with different dinosaur toys etc, or sometimes make toys messy eg with jam on overnight then do same set up plus a scrubbing brush and get toddler to clean them.

I'd recommend rotating toys, so put half away and swap over every few weeks to rediscover them/so you don't go insane playing with the same ones.
We read the story "5 mins peace" and I trained my toddler that I would put 5 min timer on and that was our 5 mins absolute silence/chill once a day, that gave me back some sanity.
I'd also recommend a chuld listening device called a yoto mini, you can google them, it was a good investment for us and helped toddler learn to have time separate from me but still entertained.

I promise it will get easier and hope some of this helps.

Thank you for all your replies.

I do have to keep reminding myself that he is still so young himself. I think sometimes I expect too much from him because he is 'big' compared to the baby.

I do have a sling so I shall start using it more. Hopefully that will help me to play with DS1 more and with my ability to keep him safe

I have a garden we can play in to a degree but it's not overly toddler friendly. We're working on making it more so but it's the usual story of time and money

I'm not sure if this will help or not, but your son sounds like a completely normal 20 month old. Get him outside as much as possible- don't keep him cooped up just because you fear the judgement of others.

Instead of saying 'no' or 'don't do that,' try the distraction.

So if he's pulling down the curtains or carving a crayon into the table, say ' ooh come here and look at this!!'

I used to keep a stash of those silly rubber sticky lizards and frogs that you get in packs of 10 on amazon. Stuff like that. Always genius to whip out when required and hand over

The above is just a very small thing but it can sometimes buy you a few minutes of peace when you can't face the tantrum from telling him off again