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Original poster

Ds asked me not to tell Daddy. Advice?

17 replies

Ags · 15/04/2008 20:34

Today ds, dd and I were at an adventure playground. Dd was playing in the toddler section (she is 2) and ds was just a little bit away in a play castle (he is 4.5). I was sitting between the two areas which were not far apart. I was keeping a very close eye on dd as she is a bolter and occasionally checking on ds. Next thing there was an announcement on the tannoy that ds was at the shop, lost!!! I nearly died, collected dd and went to get him. He was so upset and I felt completely dreadful. He said that he bumped his head and went to look for me but couldn't find me and started crying. A lady spoke to him and took him to the shop and the announcement was made. All ok except for me feeling like the worst mother on the planet. I comforted him and made sure he realised that I hadn't moved. I showed him the buggy where I had left it. I really wanted to make sure that he knew I hadn't left him.

He wanted to leave straight away. He said he was tired and sad. We left. In the car we talked about how he felt and I tried to address his worries. Then he asked me not to tell Daddy. He also asked me not to tell his best friend, his best friend's Mother and his best friend's sister. I asked why but he didn't seem to be able to explain. My dh has never had a cross word with the children (much to my annoyance on occasion!) and they have no fear of him. I told him that it was not good to have secrets from Daddy but he begged me not to say anything. He said that Daddy would be sad to hear that he got lost and he didn't want that.

I have not spoken to my dh yet, he is late home from work but I intend to tell him. I wonder if anyone else has experienced this request and what they have done about it. Any advice or opinion would be useful. I am a bit worried that ds is so concerned about this. He is a very mature 4.5 and is always quite concerned about other people.

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ash6605 · 15/04/2008 20:40

Maybe(once you have told dh) your dh could just casually ask ds how his day was,if he enjoyed softplay etc without actually mentioning the incident,hopefully your child will open up to him himself so he doesn't think you have broken your promise not to tell daddy?

NotABanana · 15/04/2008 20:40

It sounds like he is worried what his dad will think of him and maybe in a negative way. The poor little love and poor you too!

My 7 year old asked me not to tell his dad a much more trivial secret and I promised I wouldn't. I did though, as I felt it was something he needed to know in case it was a boy thing.

I would say, tell him, but promise him not to say to your son he knows otherwise your son won't trust you in future.

I am sure there will be more thoughts along soon and not all of us will agree.

Hassled · 15/04/2008 20:41

It's tricky - on the one hand he has to be totally sure he can trust you not to betray confidences and will keep any "secrets", and if you do tell your DH then your DS might not feel able to confide in you about stuff he's embarrassed about.
On the other hand I do understand how uncomfortable you must feel about not telling your DH.
If I were you I would tell DH but ask him not to mention it to DS. When the shock has worn off, in a few days or so, and your DS has recovered a bit, he may well voluntarily tell your DH, or it will at least seem less important if it slips out that you have told.

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Solitaire · 15/04/2008 20:43

I agree that it sounds as if DS does not want to worry his Daddy. It was a big thing to him.
Tell DH but ask him not to mention it to DS until he is ready to discuss it

lilymolly · 15/04/2008 20:43

sounds like he was a bit embarrassed poor wee soul.

I would tell dh but swear him to secrecy, and as ash6605 said, let him tease it out of him.

FeverishFish · 15/04/2008 20:43

he is embarrassed and wants to forget it. id leave it till something happens in a week or so then say obviously" i am going to tell daddy that i forgot the cucumber in tesco becuase i think he will understnad"

,cue vigorous head nodding>
od oyu think so ds?

ds says yes
and leasson learned

SquonkTheBeerGuru · 15/04/2008 20:44

I agree with Ash and NotABanana, that you should tell dh, but make sure that he doesn't let on that you have told him.

I also think it is a good idea for Dh to ask ds how his day was, and if it does get mentioned, then dh can say exactly the right thing (because he is forewarned that the subject may come up)

It sounds like your ds is hugely embarrassed by the whole incident and feels that he did the wrong thing, which is why he doesn't want anyone to know what happened. I think that he needs dh's input.

NotABanana · 15/04/2008 20:46

Make sure, if your Dh doesn't normally ask DS how his day has been, that he does it casually or DS will know you have told DH.

Youcannotbeserious · 15/04/2008 20:48

I agree - tell DH but in confidence...

Sounds like he was more embarrassed than scared....... We've all had moments like that.....

I think it's more important he feels he can trust you..............

Mamazon · 15/04/2008 20:51

I would tell DS i was going to inform his daddy.

When he said he didn't want to tell because it woudl make daddy sad i would reply with something like "daddy won't be sad. he will be very pleased we found you safe"

We really should tell daddy though as its not nice to keep secrets about things like this is it.

but i would never tell Dh if you have agreed not to

Original poster

Ags · 15/04/2008 21:09

Thanks so much for your super quick advice. You have made me feel a lot easier about telling dh. Luckily Dh always asks the dc how the day was so that won't be strange. But they are in bed now so that conversation will be in the morning.

I think he was embarrassed about it which makes me want to weep! He must have my genes about making a fuss poor thing!

Mamazon, I didn't agree not to tell but diverted the conversation so I also didn't tell ds I would tell dh Iyswim?

Dh will be home soon and I will ask for his input too. I think he will be upset that ds didn't want him to know and may want to take it further himself.

Thanks again. Will let you know what transpires.

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NotABanana · 17/04/2008 18:16

How did it go? And how is DS now?

Original poster

Ags · 17/04/2008 20:13

Thanks NotaBanan for asking! All went well. Dh totally understood the situation and went softly softly, asking how the trip went. After a small bit of hesitation, ds told Daddy the story himself. Dh then told ds how great it was that we found eachother and told him a fabricated story about a time he got lost from his parents when he was little. (Fabricated, because the only memory dh has of being 'lost' is watching his parents frantically looking for him while he hid inside a clothes rail in a shop! Evil child he was!) Ds seemed very happy with his chat and has no ill effects thankfully.

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NotABanana · 17/04/2008 20:25

That is great.

brimfull · 17/04/2008 20:35

aww lovely daddy

Original poster

Ags · 17/04/2008 21:22

Thanks guys. It was great to get your input.

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PotPourri · 17/04/2008 21:49

Lovely story, bless

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