struggling with new baby

[blueandgreen247]

I will try keep it really pecise and try not to drip feed.

I have a 6 year old son with autism from previous relationship. My partner had a 7 year old son with autism and severe learning difficulties from his previous. We share a 4 month old baby.

I am trying to figure out what the best way forward is regarding our set up. I own my own home and live here with my 2 sons. Partner has his own home where he stays when he has his son. Both homes are adapted for our disabled children. When we decided to have our baby I didnt have my sons diagnosis this is very recent so feel really sad as I didn't realise what his needs would be and how having a baby would impact him so significantly.

I am really struggling and family and friends are just not helpful with a solution as they just say they couldn't do it. I feel like I cant either but I cant let my children down and dont have a choice.

Im really struggling at the moment with both children. 4 month old doesnt sleep much. Naps about 40 mins in total a day and sleeps for 2 hours at night then wakes for a feed. I can't eat because he screams when put down so im sleep deprived and feel so on edge and anxious when it comes to eating food as I rush it all then binge eat at night. Im puting on so much weight. I cant wash often as I dont feel I can leave him as he then cries and rolls around and I get scared hel suffocate. I cant excercise as my oldest son struggles with walks and he just wants to be home at the moment. He doesnt sleep well either due to his disability and is up for hours at a time each night. He gets so upset and hurts himself because he just wants some attention and at the moment I feel hes been taking a back seat as i have no energy with the baby who is pretty much always in my arms. My home is so unclean i have no time to clean and it gets me down.

Babys dad comes to mine after work Monday - Thursday but not until 6pm by this time baby is awake around and hour then sleeps. In this time i rush to eat, sort eldest out and then go to sleep when eldest is asleep around 9pm. I am exhausted. im up every morning so 4.30ish and broken sleep all night. partner cant do night feeds as baby is breast fed. He has his son every friday to sunday at his and we take the kids out but responsibility of the baby falls on me as his son is more complex than mine and needs constant supervision as his understanding is of a 2 year old. no danger awareness etc. This makes it really hard for me as i have no help on weekends and feel like a single parent and that i am drowning at the moment.

We tried to live together which worked when we was a 4 some but then found out my son had autism too while i was pregnant. He didnt seem bad until baby was born as i guess he had 1:1 attention from me so his needs were met adequately and he didnt struggle. since having the baby hes regressed so much so that we decided to live apart so he could have his space and less pressure on him with another child whos sensory needs clash with his for example his son is non verbal and loves loud noises my son is verbal and hates noise so they just annoy one another and fight. My son never had this issue but the baby making noise i.e. crying makes him more sensitive snd now finds any noises very hard.

Anyway now i am really struggling because i am basicay doing it all. My family cannot help as siblings all have young children and parents are elderly.

Can anyone suggest what we can do to make this work and be more fair for me?

I suggested to my partner to change some work hours so in the week he can help even for one day so i can sleep and eat while baby is occupied.

My mental health is so bad. I regref having this baby and my heart hurts feeling this way.

Please offer advice with no hurtful comments as I am really low.

Also to add my eldest sons dad doesnt see him.since he was diagnosed be doesnt want a disabled son he said. Before he would go there on most weekends so we had a good set up. So much has changed. Also my partner
has his son every half term as his mum works in a school so helps him. This summer hes doing 3 weeks 1 week on 1 week off. I am reallt strugling with the weeks he isnt here.

Thanks in advance.

Firstly I’d suggest speaking to your health visitor to find out more about what support is available to you as an individual and a family.

Secondly - what does your partner actually do? I appreciate the need for him to be there for his son and to live elsewhere but when he’s with you is he taking care of any of the practicalities because from your post he sounds like neither use nor ornament.

Will your eldest be going back to school in September as if the intensity of all this is only short term that’s at least something to cling onto?
Could your partner take some emergency holiday/parental leave for the next few weeks to support you and give you some 1-2-1 time with your eldest?

I don’t have personal experience of using these, but might something like this help your eldest cope with the baby crying?

https://www.loopearplugs.com/products/engage-kids?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_id=19583483163&utm_campaign=&utm_content=152519701106&utm_term=loop%20earplugs%20for%20kids&gadid=705978809659&cq_src=google_ads&cq_cmp=19583483163&cq_con=152519701106&cq_term=loop%20earplugs%20for%20kids&cq_med=&cq_plac=&cq_net=g&cq_plt=gp&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAACj0PVw3807dunaBPNvYidRhU2_yI&gclid=Cj0KCQjw5ea1BhC6ARIsAEOG5pyD9_Te69Lod4CdEdo8YumlC3uWACggln5jiLWncBR6_tb1T2zeHIgaArwqEALw_wcB

Could you express milk so your partner can do night feeds? Or maybe even think of starting to wean? I know six months is ideal but four months is a great achievement in your circumstances and you need to think of your own health and well-being too.

i asked for support and we did a meeting with the family planning team and they said because my son isnt at risk they cant ask social services for help they said we dont fit the criteria. I have therpay like a post natal one but im not sure it helps to just talk to someone then nothing changes.

He holds the baby for an hour until bed time and i feed baby while i eat as he cries and partner cant sooth him. he does try hes not a bad dad but he just has other commitments.

my son wont wear earn defenders he hates anything over his head or ears he just runs into his room screams and smacks himself repeated in the face when baby cries. Then I cry and then were all crying.

I have started weaning hes not really taking well to food at the moment he prefers my milk. I tried expressing but he wouldn't take a bottle we did it for a week really trying and had lots of different bottles to try and he refuses. I know its not long now hel be on solids and can BF less frequent which will help.

I know baby will grow and be less clingy but at the moment im so depressed its hard to see an end.

My son being at school is essentially harder i have to wake up with little sleep drive him to school feeling nervous about how tired i am then after school hes so grumpy from holding it in all day then is rushed around because i have to cook dinner and then do bed time routine. it just feels like hes been neglected for a baby and i feel so sad for him. Hes lost out on his dad since june and now has a mum with no time for him and my heart hurts that i made choices that now make his life so hard 🙁

Also forgot to say he cant take time off as he uses his annual leave for half terms. Him and his mum (his sons nan) have him every half term when hes exhausted his annual leave she has him as she is term time only. He used his paternity leave for his son in April half term as he had him 2 weeks when our son was born.

That poster wasn't talking about annual leave or paternity leave, they're talking about it parental leave. Your partner has a legal right to take 18 weeks of unpaid leave per child. Max he could take off in one year is 4 weeks. The week has to be taken as a full week, not just the odd day here and there.

I think hes exhausted that leave for his son. Hes had every half term since he started school and his annual leave wouldn't cover it all so that's why he took paternity leave for april half term. Then this summer is 6 weeks and he hasnt had to get his mum to step in yet. I think if he could have extra time off he would use it to help me but i think he would have used it already for his son. The sons mum doesnt work but said she would put him in care if he didn't have half terms as she has another disabled child and finds it hard so he needs to have his son in the half terms.

I just was hoping someone could suggest something we maybe havent tried so he can help me more. He cant give up his job but works 4 days a week to accommodate his son. If he asks for more he may loose his job which i wouldn't want.

So he doesn't come round Tuesday or Wednesday even though he doesn't have his son on those days?
He needs to come on those days to support you with the baby, help you clean the house and give you some down time.

Can you or he afford to hire a cleaner to come for a couple of hours a week?

Get a baby sling/carrier. If baby hates being put down, it means baby is still attached to you but you have your hands free to eat, play with ds etc.

Sending you so much love! It's so overwhelming and when you're in the throes of newborn life whilst juggling another child, it can feel like you're drowning.
You are doing an amazing job and I promise you, it WILL get easier.
Baby will start sleeping more, you'll fall into a good routine and everything will be less stressful.
Hang in there mama, you've got this xxx

he does he comes monday to thursday sorry its just quite hard as by the time he finishes work baby is only awake for an hour so he helps about 4 hours a week which sucks. Im on mat leave so i couldn't but he may be able to pay for a cleaner. My anxiety is quite bad i dont know if it will too hard for me having someone else around though. I have 2 slings and he hates them both. I worry now he has autism because of how fussy he is hes a lot more demanding than my eldest was. Its hard because i know i make it worse always holding him but i cant let him just cry it makes me cry.

I know it get easier as baby gets older i just feel really consumed by it right now. I wish i waited and i could have had my sons diagnosis then not had another.

Thank you for the kind words it's hard right now to feel like a good mum i feel iv let my eldest down.so much.

Aw it’s so tough op and it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel now, but there truly is. You have so much on your plate, anyone would struggle with the pressure. I understand why you feel sad for your son, but this is not something you should torment yourself over. When things get easier, and they will, you will be able to enjoy the kids so much more. I do think you need more support, in some shape or form somehow! I wonder is there anyway that you could get an au pair type of person in if you have the space? I know money is tight but it might make a huge difference to have that extra set of hands around and it might not be insanely expensive if your partner could help with the cost? A cleaner either as someone suggested, if you could get someone reasonably priced for even two hours a week, even if your partner could help with that. It just sounds like you haven’t even had a second to recover from the birth let alone anything else happening! I think if you had more support with all the jobs around your home, you would feel so much less anxious than you feel now.

i think im too embarrassed to really admit the extent of my struggles to people irl because people have more children and or worse circumstances and get on with it. I dont know why its so hard for me. I suggested that and he said he cant afford it and neither can I to be honest. I just need more balance. I suggested changing work hours and he couldn't as he already changed to 4 days to accommodate his son. Then I said can he have some leave to help but thats gone on his son too. I feel like we chose to have a baby together but im the only one doing the care for our son and its really upseting. I know he has his commitment to his son though and not sure what else he can do to suport me. I just deeply regret having this baby and i feel so sad for feeling that way.