Feel like I’m ruining my DS life

[FTMaz]

Looking for hand hold I guess…

my partner and I have been together nearly 5 years and our DS is 6 months old.

without going into all the details I’ve decided I no longer want to be with him. He has disappointed me since our DS has been born as he hasn’t changed his life at all and just continues to do what suits him and leaves me to do everything even when I’ve been visibly worn out and upset. He is not a lazy man, has a successful business, goes the gym etc but his family is not his priority. I do not love him anymore.

however he is good with our son when he spends time with him and it is obvious DS enjoys being with him. I feel that by leaving I am being selfish and only thinking about my own emotions and not that of my child’s who is obviously too young to communicate it. Me and my partner do not argue as such to the point that it would effect a child, neither of us are screamy shouty people.

my other worry and this is absolutely no judgment on anyone is becoming a single parent. I never saw my dad as a child and my mum struggled financially and emotionally and I’m worried I am repeating history and have brought my son into a life which is going to be bad if I leave. I had a very good job before getting pregnant that could have supported us but I gave notice with the plan of having 18 months off before returning to work part time so I am currently reliant on my partner financially, however I have savings so this is not a massive problem. I just feel like I am becoming an unemployed, single mother and feel my son deserves more.

Your son deserves a happy family unit and it doesn't sound like this is one.
Money and 'single mother' stereotypes don't matter to a 6 month old. If anything it's better to do it now while he's too young to understand.
That said, you are still very much in the early days. It's possible that your hormones are still up in the air and you're adjusting to being a mother. Do you feel like it's definitely not salvageable with your dh? Have you tried communicating about how you feel and how seriously you're considering separation. My dh was pretty hands off with our dc until they got a bit older. He's amazing now.
But....if you're sure then there is absolutely no shame in going your separate ways if you definitely feel the marriage is dead.

Your son deserves a happy family unit and it doesn't sound like this is one.
Money and 'single mother' stereotypes don't matter to a 6 month old. If anything it's better to do it now while he's too young to understand.
That said, you are still very much in the early days. It's possible that your hormones are still up in the air and you're adjusting to being a mother. Do you feel like it's definitely not salvageable with your dh? Have you tried communicating about how you feel and how seriously you're considering separation. My dh was pretty hands off with our dc until they got a bit older. He's amazing now.
But....if you're sure then there is absolutely no shame in going your separate ways if you definitely feel the marriage is dead.

Hi
thanks for the reply. Part of the reason why I am so h sure is because I know it is early days as you say but I also know how hard separation of parents can be for older children. Also with my partner we have a high level of disposable income and live in a lovely house where my DS will have loads of room, I would rather move him early if we are not going to work so that he doesn’t get used to living that sort of life, sorry if this sounds like I’m showing off about money I’m really not I’m trying to say that if we separate I will not have the same level of income and I don’t want my DS to resent me for that either when he’s older.

No one here could possibly know your situation so you'll have to decide if responses are reasonable or not. My first thought was can you wait even a little longer to see if things get better? I think I wanted to kill my partner for most of the first year. He didn't get the idea of helping for another year. Looking back we were both adjusting and struggling in our own ways. Hope things work out well for you either way

Hi
yea I get that, he’s not a bad person just apathetic I would say.

Yes I could wait but I am worried about the effects on my baby if I leave it too long in terms of him being aware that his mum and dad are splitting up. I guess either way it’s going to be horrible for him.

Same thoughts as the pp. Only you can know how deep and unreconcileable (is this a word?) are your feelings. Have you really spoken to him? Without having an idea of your situation and absolutely meaning no disrespect, that first year is really difficult.. Could you perhaps wait a bit more? I'm assuming there's no abuse, or similar issues of course.

In my own experience and that of many friends, men often aren’t very engaged when their little ones are young babies - I’ve heard many of them tell me quite honestly that they don’t find babies very easy to connect with, and it takes them until the baby starts interacting / developing a personality in order for something to ‘click’ and they really get more connected to the whole thing and more on board. I’m not for a minute defending that, but it’s something I’ve witnessed myself and been told by others.

Perhaps wait until this initial young baby stage has passed, and see if you can discuss it with him at that point and get some relationship counselling to explore if changes can be made?

Hi
no absolutely no abuse it’s not a situation like that. It’s just that I genuinely feel I don’t love him anymore and that I think is tied in with me being disappointed about him as a father and a partner once our baby arrived. When I say disappointing father as I said previously he js great with DS when he is with him but I mainly do everything. He also puts his needs before mine, his life has barely changed. An example when he came from work last week I was really tired and had a difficult day with DS, all I wanted him to do was have him for an hour so I could take a bath etc but he had already planned to go for a jog…whereas if that was me or any of my friends we’d think this person needs help I wont go for the jog. I know it sounds insignificant but it is one of many examples.

I’ve tried talking to him but we do end up in an argument as he says he is trying and all I do is moan about it. I think a main issue is I believe he genuinely feels he is doing a lot whereas I feel he isn’t.

Hi
thanks for the reply, I’ve heard that about men too and he definitely struggled when DS was newborn. However on here there are countless threads of women saying how amazing and hands on their partner is with their baby it makes me feel like I’m putting up with less

Would you consider going to marriage counselling before you split up? It sounds like a communication problem, and he is not getting the message that he should be doing 50/50.

I would think most people ‘don’t love’ or even sometimes hate their husbands after having a baby due to exhaustion and the huge shift, but most don’t have the money to leave so manage to get through it.

I definitely don’t think you should be comparing yourself to others. Most of them lie, about this and about how many hours their baby sleeps too.

Also, do you think he will be shocked if you tell him you have decided to split up? Does he realise how upset you are?

Thank you for replying op.Id be pissed off as well with this behaviour but glad it's not an abuse type situation. Do you think if he really understood the gravity of your feelings and it sank that he needs to step up otherwise he'll have all the time to bloody jog when he's alone, he'd change? He might have been struggling with being a dad. Did he have a good role model, friends, anyone who he can observe from, how to act like a father in 2024? Is he working ft? Can he for example do some night shifts, give you couple of hours when he comes home? Maybe if there was some open, clear communication about your expectations he might start behaving better? Friend of mine went through a similar phase and divorced when baby was 9 months. She was asking very similar questions about her own parents divorce and history repeating itself. Pm me if you feel like.

Abuse aside, I don’t think anyone should make big decisions in the first 12 months of having a baby. It’s a big adjustment.

My DH was wonderful and yet I still had massive wobbles about being married to him in the first 2 years as I was hormonal, exhausted and felt like my life had changed enormously and his hadn’t.

DD is 5 now and I don’t feel like that at all now.

If there’s more to it (emotional, financial, physical, sexual abuse) then that’s different. But otherwise you should sit tight. You could make a huge mistake.

It goes both ways. I always remember my gran saying how wonderful my granddad was with young babies but once they started running round he had no time for them. They split up in the 40s which was quite scandalous back then but as she said you can't always have a newborn in the house to keep a man happy.

Thinking about it he must have been very unusual at the time as men didn't tend to be very hands on with babies but my gran said he would change them, bath them, walk round with them in the middle of the night to settle them. Perfect father till they started walking.

Would you try couple counselling?