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Original poster

Right Alfie Kohn types...sort this one out please...

53 replies

Fillyjonk · 15/04/2008 19:28

Ds is 4, 5 in August.

He is just behaving so bloody badly.

He is doing naughty things on purpose. Examples-pushing over the pushchair and then jumping on it. Jumping on us repeatedly when we've asked him not to (he is FOUR, it bloody hurts). Splashing about in the bath to make the water go over the sides. Loads more. I have two younger kids and his behaviour is dangerous to them at times.

I don't want to use a pasta jar or similar. I don't want to use reward or punishment. And I don't especially like using consequences. But today was so incredibly bad that I have done so, and have cancelled a playdate (I did use a spurious logic to get to why the playdate should be cancelled but really, it was about that being what he responded to).

I think sometimes he is naughty on purpose, and sometimes he doesn't THINK, but it is driving me mad.

Thoughts?

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Original poster
Fillyjonk · 16/04/2008 09:56

lol at hiding dog!

I think I do have a solution though, When he starts this behaviour (and there are even warning signs), I will bung dd2 in the sling and get him out for a half hour bike ride.

Thinking on it, it actually is quite obvious-we used to DO this quite often, but since dd2 was born 9 weeks ago its gone by the wayside. Duh! He is still wired up with energy at this time but with no way to express it.

He really is NOT a hyper child 95% of the time, he is sat on the sofa with dd1 showing her how to write her name...

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Original poster
Fillyjonk · 16/04/2008 09:58

100 that is good advice, I x posted there

I do see him as older than he is really, I think, and I am always when I realise. But I do it all the time .

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ahundredtimes · 16/04/2008 10:01

Yes, well I did too. I cringe a bit when I think about how cross I was with him when he squirted shampoo on the bathroom floor while I was holding dd and trying to change ds2's nappy.

I think I said 'I can't believe you've done that. You are my oldest child. You should be more responsible' blah blah blah. He wasn't even quite four then I don't think.

And I looked at ds2's bottom and thought 'that's huge, why are you in nappies?'

I think ds1 felt that pressure - and I'm not very like that really as the youngest of four myself - and acted up a bit. It isn't easy.

I would go for responsibilities, lots of praise, MASSES of attention, huge gratitude and a water fight in the garden.

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ahundredtimes · 16/04/2008 10:02

I used to time ds1 running round an apple tree in our garden during that particular hour of which you speak. We wrote down the times, he tried to beat them. . . .

Original poster
Fillyjonk · 16/04/2008 10:05

lol I do exactly that in the witching hour! Except he runs from the study to his bedroom. It is about 10 metres and he did it 40 times last night...without stopping...he is not short on energy, at least

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squidler · 16/04/2008 10:10

Fillyjonk, I am not sure whether this has been suggested or you tried it, but my youngest DS was very jumpy for a while - in the bath, on beds, on other people.

Everytime I saw him jumping, I asked if he had the jumping beans and would he like to jump? Then we had 10 mins or so of mad jumping and then some more and some more and some more. When he was all jumped out, I then explained that jumping on people hurt their bodies and that jumping on things squashed them so we couldnt play with them anymore. And when he felt the jumping beans, we could go find a good place to jump. It didnt always work, but at times, he would tell me his was jumpy and that he would be back soon after he had jumped in the garden.

I laughing at me showing my emotions still happens, but I suppose I see now that those emotions (to him) are as valid as mine are (to me) - He doesnt always know what is behind my emotion, as I dont always know what is behind his laughing. It could be nervous or worried or opps-at-what-i-did. Sometimes I just have to laugh too (only if it is child mischief, not hurting others).

FeverishFish · 16/04/2008 10:13

id just farkign tell him off good and proper fj
stop fnanying around

ahundredtimes · 16/04/2008 10:15

It's hard too - because all these things make sense, but sometimes when you are tired you feel more like you are firefighting rather than parenting and you think your 4 y-o should be the least of your problems.

I sympathise.

However this morning ds1 took ds2 by the hand because for some reason ds2 had 'accidentally' volunteered to play netball and didn't want to, he wanted to do football (it is some weird school thing they are doing today) and ds1 said 'right don't cry. we will go in early and find Mr O and explain that you don't want to play netball AT ALL.'

So that was nice wasn't it? Oldest children have their uses, just not at four perhaps.

Good on the running. Now time him. Actually your walk/bike ride is best idea. Well done you.

Original poster
Fillyjonk · 16/04/2008 10:15

thats an idea. I think its a need to be physically active which, in retropspect, I've partly trained him into by taking him out in the evenings [blish]

ooops

but its worth trying to get him to find ways to dispel this energy for himself, I think.

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ahundredtimes · 16/04/2008 10:16

Cod is ill. She needs to lie down in a dark room and not come on here and shout at people.

Original poster
Fillyjonk · 16/04/2008 10:16

fab idea fishy one

shall I use a birch sapling or a willow broom though?

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FeverishFish · 16/04/2008 10:17

oh just tlel him off nad put him in his room for a bit wiht a book.

Original poster
Fillyjonk · 16/04/2008 10:17

(also I assume frannying around to be a compliment?)

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ahundredtimes · 16/04/2008 10:19

Does anyone want to know how ds2 accidentally volunteered to play netball?

It's good.

FeverishFish · 16/04/2008 10:19

did i say that?
hahah! how funny.
oh i htink sometime just they need to eb told.
not shouted
just todl firmly

Mercy · 16/04/2008 10:19

I know it's hard when you have 2 younger dc but is he getting enough one to one attention from you? It does sound like attention seeking behaviour in many ways (my 4 yr old ds has just been through a phase of deliberately weeing on the toilet floor - I had no idea it was deliberate until I sneaked up behind him once and caught him)

FeverishFish · 16/04/2008 10:19

he liek sht sksirts?

FeverishFish · 16/04/2008 10:20

whya re your kdsi at school?

ahundredtimes · 16/04/2008 10:21

lol. No. It was all an 'awful mistake'. He was scratching his head and they thought he had his hand up, but he didn't. He said it was a bit like Paddington at the auction.

ahundredtimes · 16/04/2008 10:21

We had weird private school ponce holidays over Easter.

FeverishFish · 16/04/2008 11:13

lool at paddington

FrannyandZooey · 16/04/2008 13:35

Cod if you were not ill I would be VERY CROSS

I may be anyway
oh god dp is teasing me about clowns now I am officially sulking

FrannyandZooey · 16/04/2008 13:36

oh LOLOL
have reread
I thought the shit skirt comment was with regard to the 'frannying around' thing

LOL

I love ds2, 100

Pitchounette · 16/04/2008 14:02

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Fillyjonk · 16/04/2008 17:24

yes I thought it was attention too at first

but it doesn't seem to be that somehow. I did ask if he wanted me to play but no.

I was in a really really bad mood with him last night though. He has been fine today.

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