Text Message Momotoring

[AncientHill]

Firstly I know there’s a typo in the heading - I cannot find a way to edit it! It should read ‘monitoring’.

We have family staying with us this week, including a grandchild and their ‘other parent’. Grandchild lives with ‘main parent’ most of the time and sees other parent on weekends. Apologies for using these terms; I’m trying to keep things neutral. This is the first time grandchild has been away for so long with other parent. Main parent has been sending the occasional anxious text message during the week, wanting to know all is ok, and asking me to check on grandchild periodically, which is fine.

During one such message exchange, it came to light that main parent can see all text messages on our grandchild’s mobile phone - everything including messages between grandchild and other parent. Apparently grandchild knows that main parent is monitoring them. Other parent does not know anything about the monitoring. We are being expected to keep this a secret from other parent, and we are doing so.

Main parent does not trust other parent at all, hence the reason for the monitoring and the secrecy. Main parent and other parent differ hugely in parenting style. Neither would put their child in a dangerous situation though, I’m certain of that. Main parent and other parent don’t get on well and no longer particularly like each other. They have been seal rated for years. There is no particular reason why main parent feels the need to monitor other parent from what I can see: there is no history of crime, violence, sexual assault or substance abuse.

I’m uncomfortable with the situation. I think the monitoring should not be happening, or other parent should at least be told. Grandchild starts secondary school this September.

Do any of you monitor your child’s phone messages? If so, why do you feel it’s necessary? At what age will you stop doing this? It would be helpful to get a feel for what parents are doing these days and what is deemed acceptable.

Thank you.

More fool anyone who doesn’t monitor their child’s phone, ESPECIALLY at that age.

In the first year of high school alone:

DD1 was taken advantage of by other girls . She has ASD. The messages that came to light were horribly manipulative and looked to be escalating into something worse. We then locked her phone to contacts only, and only I can view other text messages from unknown numbers

DD2 in her first year she was sent horrifically graphic sexual images from another child who had been bullying her for the past year. Thankfully she did not see the images herself, and the police got involved.

They are children, and in this digital day and age, they must be looked after.

id suggest staying well out of this.

Agree that main parent should definitely be monitoring what child does on their phone but it’s a shame other parent isn’t involved especially as they should also be aware of their child’s online activities

Thank you LottieMary and HeyNo. That’s helpful. It sounds horrendous!

I need to ask another question: shouldn’t other parent be told about the monitoring? I realise we are living in a different world, but I think other parent - who is not terrible, just different - has a right to know that their conversations with their child are also part of the monitoring?

Could the other parent be against it? It would be unreasonable to be so, but perhaps the main parent doesn’t want to rock that boat.

however I would expect the main parent to share any concerns too, so that would let the cat out of the bag.

To be fair I feel like the main parent is at least screwed on enough to have this monitoring and at least the child is secure. That’s the bottom line which would make me stay out of it completely. It’s no big secret really.

The monitoring is sensible.

In an ideal world, the other parent (I find this phrasing odd but anyway) would be aware of it simply because in an ideal world both parents would be on the same page about things like this (online safety, phone monitoring, social media etc). I do think it's a bit off that the other parent isn't aware that their messages with their child are monitored. Is the main parent worried that the other parent would do something to the phone to remove this setting (not sure if that's possible), or provide the child with a second secret phone or something like that?

The other parent would not be against monitoring to keep their child safe. Other parent would, however, be upset to realise that main parent is also monitoring other parent’s every written word to their child. Out of courtesy I wish main parent would tell other parent. It’s not my place to say anything - hence why I’m here instead. I have been drawn into it though by main parent, and do feel caught in the middle. At best I might gently suggest to main parent that they could tell other parent. The parents barely speak to each other. Sad, but true.

Dancingphantomsontheterrace: main parent deliberately wants to monitor other parent’s messages. They see other parent’s differing parenting style as part of the problem and they want to keep tabs on their message exchanges.

Both parents absolutely should be monitoring what their child is doing online and that includes the content of all messages.

Now I personally can’t do it remotely. I just take my child’s phone randomly and read through all their messages. I can monitor other things remotely, but not the message content. This means I see all communication with their other parent (Dh).

The main parent is doing the right thing. Now it’s weird they can’t be open with the other parent about that, but my guess is there is a backstory here. If the other parent would kick off or stop the monitoring, I probably wouldn’t tell them either. My child’s wellbeing and safety is more important than anything. I’d be pretty pissed off as the other parent if the main parent was so shit they weren’t doing that.

Realistically, neither parent should be sending anything they wouldn’t feel comfortable being shared with the other or with anyone who might access the phone. Important conversations should happen face to face and not on text messages.