How to deal with this behaviour without shouting/getting angry

[TommyKnocker]

My DS 13 is driving me up the wall and I don't know how to deal with it, a lot of it is me having a low tolerance but he is really pushing it.

He's fine following instructions at school and for the most part while at his grandparents, although I suspect he's not really asked to do much while he's there. At home is a totally different story, if I ask him to do anything he suddenly becomes really slow, so if he needs to change his clothes and put on shoes to go somewhere he will move like a zombie, really slow sometimes actually banging into walls. He's not like that any other time. I've been asking him for a while to tidy his room, he sits in there does nothing, I do give him consequences, I always follow through.

I went in this morning to help him with his room but the second he realised what we were doing he did the slow thing. I gave him some clear instructions, start picking up the cups. He slowly spins around the room asking where, I point one out, he still says he can't see it. I'm probably not describing the slow thing properly but it's like he's drunk and stumbling around. I tell him really clearly I'm getting annoyed (I was but still calm at this point). Eventually he gets the cups and takes them to the kitchen. This teeth pulling goes on for another 10mins while sorting stuff out, we get to his bedside table which is full of crap. I say everything needs to off apart from his current reading book and his clock, he picks up his clock and wanders around for somewhere to put it, apparently he thought he could only have his book on the table. By now I'm really annoyed and tell him if he doesn't stop mooning around and deliberately misunderstanding me I'll tidy his bedside table by binning anything but the 2 items I mentioned, he gets upset, I say get on with it then but he still shuffles about, still not doing anything so I send him away and sweep everything into a bin bag. I'm not even sure he's bothered but I feel like I've handled it badly and feel like shit.

He is autistic, does fine at school/academically but how do I deal with this? I've tried being as low demand as possible but I do actually need him to do what's he's told sometimes. His siblings are already pissed off with him as when they're all told to tidy, they do it and he shuffles round doing fuck all. They get rewards, he gets consequences but it still makes no difference. I don't know if I've conveyed his behaviour as I'm probably rambling, but it's totally different to children just being a bit slow or lazy. I have wondered about PDA.

You’ve described my DD13, also autistic. To be honest some of it with her is behavioural in that like most teenagers she just can’t be arsed so waits til I’m so frustrated I’ll do it myself.

In terms of dressing or getting ready for the day, she doesn’t have access to her phone or screens until she is up, showered, dressed, I give her a countdown to get shoes etc on and build in “go slow” time where possible.

Her room is a source of constant conflict - I do think she just doesn’t see things, or make the connection that the cup she’s looking at is the cup I mean her to pick up and put away. I try not to worry too much about the mess - as long as clothes are brought down for washing and there are no dishes or food stuff in the room I let her get on with it. I’ve had to really teach her to make her bed and hoover by doing it with her for weeks, step by step, me doing it, us doing it together with her taking over slowly but surely. She has a daily routine posted in her room that I remind her to tick off as she goes.

I’ve also stopped making threats and instead tell her I’m going to clean out her room so anything she really wants to keep goes on her bed, if it’s not on her bed chances are it’ll be thrown out.

I try to save my “hurry the fuck up” voice for times when it’s really non-negotiable that she does whatever right now. By reducing demands the rest of the time she gets that I mean it when I say now.

Sounds like passive aggression. He knows that if he acts slow and clueless, you'll eventually give up. I wouldn't bother tidying his room and I wouldn't allow him to take cups or food in there. Maybe a glass if he wants water, but that's it.

Perhaps remove gaming equipment or his phone until he's done the task, that should make him hurry up.

My DS13, also autistic does a drunk thing. He doesn't have a PDA dx but FOR SURE would get one if an assessor would just casually asked him to do one or two, easy things.

I don't have good strategies really, but lots of sympathy.

Sometimes we do a thing of me sort of making a joke of how wound up I am and we can laugh through it. I ask him how to approach things with him a lot, and try to suggest/ speak to him as he suggests, even if it is annoying and actually we usually find that how i ask isnt really the problem - he just doesnt like being asked to do things and the if-only-you'd-say-this thing is just abretro fit justification.

On things like his room, I.do get more help/cooperation when I am clean that I would like this done for my benefit and I'm willing to work with him so I can achieve that. This is subtly but very importantly different in his head from treating his room like its his problem he has to fix. (Fairly sure that will attract the wrath of the MN correct parenting wing). The reality is he doesn't give a shit but I do. But somehow if he sees it's important to me and its 10 minutes out if his day, he's way more willing to do it that if I'm like: You Must Tidy You Room For The Benefit of You and for Character Development Purposes (the attitude most likely to bring out his PDA).

I also think "tidy your room" is an impossibly indistinct instruction but pick up any rubbish and put ot on the bin and put all dirty clothes in the laundry basket-type instructions work better I think a warning in the morning: later I would like us to spend ten minutes on your room bc I want to do the laundry/ clear the rubbish/ whatever is very helpful. Then I check in with him what he is doing and say something like I will come about 5 to do your room, okay? And then do a ten minutes warning. I do often have to tolerate a bit of waiting at the appointed time while he finishes his forntite game or whatever.

My major secret weapon, I'm almost afraid to type it out in case I jinx it is that if he wants to do a big download (where he basically comes and tells me about whatever latest fixation he has uninteruptable for about 20mins) he is so completely focused that you can be doing something while he does it and saying, just put these in the bin, just pop that in the sink, just put these in your drawer and he just does it on autopilot as the download continues (I will be doing stuff as well so it's like you are houseworking together). I think he's just so hard to interrupt in a download that even his PDA doesn't get a look in. Give it a whirl next time you are having WW2 tanks or whatever explained to you for the 90th time, OP, it's a winner.

Sorry I'm now downloading basically but the other thing I would say is that my son is aware that he has an issue with being asked to do things and how those kinds of demands make him feel bad but he also feels a bit bad at not being able to just fucking do it. So he is a willing partner in us trying to work our way around it. I think this is important because it feels like we are on the same side and his oh I am drunk/ can only move in slow motion routine isn't so annoying; we both see it as a signal he is in discomfort but trying to cooperate but can't quite get himself there

@WoopsLiza thank you, some good advice/tips. I think a lot of the problem is me, I'm a bit low at the moment and probably over react which makes him dig in more. Plus I feel embarrassed as his bedroom window was open when we were tidying so I'm worried the neighbours heard me saying "the cup! Just pick up the cup!" at increasing intensity!

The downloading trick is something I'll try with him, he does have a new passion project at the moment so plenty of opportunity.

Many autistic people have problems with executive functioning which impacts on many things and one of them is tidying/cleaning.

The go slow is because it's no doubt an activity where he knows he's going to get moaned at and feel crap about.

You might want to research how to support your son with this.

And you have my sympathy as I have an autistic DC whose bedroom is a bomb site and who struggles to clean even if I'm with them. I put on music I know they like and we do a bit at a time, breaking down the task. Even then it can still be a struggle to keep them on task to get the job done as they can get easily distracted.