Do ALL siblings fight? And how the Hell am I supposed to deal with it?

[utterlyconfused]

I can't be the only one, can I? I hate the holidays. I find them a real battle. I have ds1 (9), dd (7) and ds2 (6 next week). It's horrible, it's awful. They change allegiencs from time to time, but it's essentially the two boys. But ds1 is pretty vile to dd too. I can't do anything without them winding each other up. Occasionally they play happily together but it's very rare. And if I wade in, to extract the troublemaker (and this is usually because it has become too physical and out of hand) I get a whole list of what each has done to the other and I end up screaming myself hoarse. Here we are with lovely sunshine and I have banished ds1 to his room for the whole day!

Alliegences. Allegences. I don't even know how to spell it, let alone type it properly. Sorry.

No you aren't the only one. I have to keep separating my two DSs (7 and 4). I think they have to get used to being around each other so in the summer hols I do find the settle down.... after 3 or 4 weeks.

I have to be shouty mum as well. They don't listen when I ask nicely. Actually they were worse this morning when they were playing nicely together.

No pleasing me obviously.

Not sure what you can do other than keep them from drawing blood, although DS2 had teeth marks on his face last week so even that might not be enough. Going out helps but it is very mummy-intensive to keep them occupied and happy isn't it?

I started a system of punishing them all for it because,as you said,else you get a list of who did what etc etc. Mine (10,8 and 3) are getting the idea that they all come of worse. Also try to resist refereeing as they don't learn to nsort it out for themselves. Mine got so bad that i admit i let them get on with it - physical fighting that is, and now they are working out that it hurts,gets them all sent to their rooms and is a waste of time.

I've been thinking about this quite a bit as dd is only child and very likely to remain so. my mum opined that this was 'cruel' as she would benefit from siblings.

Hello? mum? were you THERE during my childhood? I had two brothers and we fought all the time; two of us ganging up on the other one. Every car journey would be punctuated by dad thrashing about ineffecutally with one hand on the wheel trying to hit one of us. On a few occasions they had to stop the car, turf us all out and pretend to be driving away to make us stop.

We just didn't really like each other. We don't hate each other now but i wouldn't be surprised if we only meet up at our parents' funerals.

Sorry, I guess this isn't very helpful. I don't think there is any way you can 'stop' it if your siblings just don't gell. The only thing i can think of is giving them all sufficient space if you can and coming down hard on any malicious interference with the other's property - that's what really used ot get the fights going round our place.

Spilt them up as much as you can! maybe it will all calm down soon. We'd pretty much stopped getting phsycial with each other when we were 11, 8 and 7, we had our own interests and different friends.

Do you think that punishing them ALL, irrespective of who did what, is constructive. They were all on the trampoline (they use it as a sort of den rather than all bouncing together) and dd came in and said ds1 had thrown a hard ball, hard, in her stomach. I can't punish her in that case, can I? Ds1 is the worst as he is very physical and also very able, physically (ds2 slightly syspraxic so many frustrations) and he always wants to show his superiority. He's not a bad or malicious child but he goes too far regularly.
Yes, in a way getting out and about makes it better, but there's something that doesn't quite sit right about "you're all being vile so we'll go out and do something nice together".
We had to go to the supermarket this morning and the boys just fought over how was pushing and which way they were going... if I had taken the trolley over myself they would have been on top of each other on the ground.
Is it a boy thing?

Thanks for making me laugh, Spero!

Sorry - meant only when i didn't know for sure who started it. In the case you just mentioned,no not fair to punish dd too.

I'm glad I made you laugh! it is only with the benefit of many years gone by that i can raise a smile...

Hmmm, punishing all. it is very difficult. One thing i remember is the OUTRAGE felt by the innocent two when we all got lumped in for punishment because of something number one did. But if they are hurting each other physically then for safetys sake I think you've just got to pile in there and stop it.

I think to some extent it is a boy thing, but having said that I could be just as nasty and physical on occasions. for us i think it was more a territory thing, because we weren't 'friends' we were very careful to be protective of our own space and I think were very jealous if the others got attention from one or other parent.

So i am afraid the only thing i can think of which is guarranteed to work is to split them up, but I know that is not often possible/feasible.

all i have in my armoury of parental control is bribery and threats. When threats fail (frequently) bribery seems to work.

Thing with my 3 is that there isn't any single 'bad one' if you see what i mean and so even the ones who are innocent have at some point been the ones in the wrong. I think mine can see how horrible it is being told off when it wasn't you and hopefully see how the others feel when they are the ones being punished for what someone else may or may not of started. Does that make any sense? With their belongings,i allow them to have their own things and their own space. I don't see why anyone should have the right to play with someone elses toys without asking first. Obviously some things belong to everyone and have to be shared.

I always said that I wouldn't worry if my two fought - no-one argued more than me and my brother, but we're actually very close now.

What I hadn't realised is how wearing it is on the parents - I could brain my two sometimes!

I don't investigate any more. And there are rarely any rights and wrongs. I just seperate them and threaten withdrawal of privilidges from everyone. DS#2 has got the best strategy though - he just squeals very loudly when anyone does anything to him (current main problem is his siblings pretending to be zombies ). Noise is soooo awful that we have to react. I seem to remember having the same strategy as a child.

I don't investigate any more. And there are rarely any rights and wrongs. I just seperate them and threaten withdrawal of privilidges from everyone. DS#2 has got the best strategy though - he just squeals very loudly when anyone does anything to him (current main problem is his siblings pretending to be zombies ). Noise is soooo awful that we have to react. I seem to remember having the same strategy as a child.

I agree with you numpty. Neither of them are entirely innocent. One may have thrown the first punch but the other one doesn't walk away or come and find me to sort it out, he is just as likely to have a go back again! Blaming one usually results in a whole catalogue of wrongs he seems to have suffered and then another catalogue from the other ones.

Laying down the rules helps sometimes. If the fight was over a toy I give it back to the one who got it out, unless it is a particular favourite of the other one and the fight is about it being played with at all iyswim. But then we end up with some complicated turn taking arrangement that lasts for about 5 minutes until the next battle.

As Spero says, bribery works but I also find that the bribes start to escalate and really you just want them to stop and do as they are told sometimes!

My two fight as well (ds nearly 5 and dd 3.6). When I just have one of them, its a breeze! There are days when I just want to scream "stoopppppppp"

If it gets physical, I separate mine and give them each a chance to tell me what happened. If they don't agree, I give them one more chance and then they both sit on the stairs until one changes their mind. Then when we have an agreed story, I act accordingly.

If its not physical, I now shout "You have to the count of 20 to sort it out yourselves or I will sort it out". My sorting out involves everyone in trouble (where I don't know who was a fault) so they do tend to try.

Alternatively, I hide. I find that this works rather well for me!

That's why i punish all of mine if i'm in doubt. Far worse than sorting things out amongst themselves. Need another word instead of punished - hate it!

Hiding is good goosey, in the bathroom, or in the kitchen with MP3 player turned up v loud! Until the noise level start to annoy the neighbours .

I'm also much nicer if they own up straight away. Want them to learn it's better to be honest about stuff.

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I ignore them. I find that trying to act as referree only winds me up and makes no difference to them one way or the other. So I don't try to sort out their squabbles. I am more likely to send them to their room to sort it out without yelling in my ears! I would intervene if blood started to drip down though. I'm not heartless....

Seriously though, you get to recognise the difference between normal sibling fights and nasty, damaging bullying. Never get in the middle of a squabble, always stop malicious behaviour.

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my 3 ds 14,12 and 7 get frighteningly physical 2 of them are bigger than me but im now in the habit of getting in the middle and making a grab for an earlug and that generally breaks up the fights - dss admitted this weekend that they dread me dealing with the fights as im 'tough' and scarey lolol there dads an ex para

i also put the gameboys,tv remotes,x box controls and ps controls in my handbag after any sort of debacle i take mobile fones too and answer them saying to friends no hes been really naughty so hes wearing his pjs and is grounded - i have threatened to sellotape a sign to the door saying xxxx is not plying hes been a naughty boy!

I would love just not to get involved, but when it is clear that one is being either overly physical or really over-the-top unreasonable I feel it's necessary to intervene to make it clear that that sort of behaviour is not acceptable. Unfortunately, by this age, it's got beyond the sharing of toys... in fact, when toys are involved, there's usually harmony! It's more likely to be first thing in the morning, ds2 waking ds1 up (lots of shouting) or throwing shoes over a wall outside or just pain hurting - a karate kick or something. Much of it is baiting, designed to upset and get someone into trouble, but you don't know that until you've investigated - and it can degenerate so fast into what I consider to be dangerous (standing on heads etc).

I like the answering the phone thing - that must be the ultimate humiliation!

When they start fighting send them all to their bedrooms for half and hour, to calm down. If any of them pop their heads out to ask how long they have left tell them you will add another 5 mins to their time. gives you some piece and quiet too!

There WILL be one child, who insists, that (s)he wasn't responsible and how 'unfair' you are being. This is actually a Good sign, believe it or not. This child can become a 'Force For Good', by explaining to His/her siblings that they ALL suffer, if/when ONE miss-behaves (I got Punished because of what YOU did!) Hopefully, all your children, will start to Discuss issues, rather than Fight over them.

I wish you ALL, Good Luck, and Happ(ier) times.

Andrewdavid1