Coming to terms with having one DC.

[december2020]

I've posted about this a few times - forgive me - it's apparent it is really weighing on me.

I've always wanted 2 DC but the longer DH takes to decide, the older I'm getting, the bigger the potential age gap becomes, and coming out of the baby and toddler years, the more all signs are pointing to DS being an only.

DS is bloody amazing, I love him so much, and it means I can pour all my time, effort and resources into him and I love that.

Yet I feel sad, sad like I need to mourn what was not meant to be. I know I'll get over it and it'll be fine, but I just need that moment and time to be sad about it, sort through all the baby stuff I had been saving and get rid of the majority of it.
And seeing all the second and third baby announcements feel a little hard.

Has anyone gone through something similar?
I'm not entirely sure what I am looking for, maybe just some positive stories and experiences.

Me. I was almost 42 when I had DS and wanted another immediately. DH said OH HELL NO. Here's how it worked out. DS is 27, has a good job and is very happily married to a lovely young women. We had more money and more time to focus on him, we could travel as a family of 3 more readily than with more kids and we were able to provide him with a greatly enriched life. Do I still wish I had had more DC? Yes. But that is life. No one gets everything they want.

Am with you, OP.

I'm so incredibly lucky to have one DD. She was IVF and subsequently had both ovaries removed so no chance of making any more embryos and no way can I afford to go the donor egg route.

It's having the choice taken away. Maybe I'd still wind up having just one, if the situation were different, but I don't get to decide.

It's shit.

We have one. I'm really hoping to have another but having fertility issues and starting to mentally explore what having one would be like. I think life often doesn't work out how you think it will. But it's completely normal to feel a kind of grief.

That said I don't know how old your child is or how old you are but I don't think either should put you off. Larger age gaps can be great for kids and parents.

Yes I did. I had planned on two but after having one, other things intervened. I was also unhappy with where we were living, I had never liked it but it was our first house and didn't expect to be in it long. We eventually moved to a bigger house in a far nicer area when my little one was 4 years and ten months. I felt so much better, happier, alive, still young at 33. My son was amazing (still is), I was enjoying my job - I didn't want anything to upset the apple cart so decided there would be no more children. My husband didn't mind one way or the other, he was a contented sort of person.

Now son is nearly 45, is a good chap, like his father, has always had many friends. I have never regretted not having another one.

Oh gosh it's so hard isn't it?
Yet I'd like to think/hope DS will become an amazing kid with such an enriched life!

Hi. I have two but struggled to have the second and have a big gap. I had brought myself to some kind of acceptance than one would be great and those years of giving her our undivided attention have really paid off and she isn't spoiled. We were able to really focus on her early education and she could go to lots of hobbies and clubs with two of us to get her there. Teachers, sports coaches, strangers in cafés and shops speak so highly of her! If she had stayed our only we would have been able to travel the world with her and give her good financial help to get set up after uni. We would be increasingly our savings, more room at home etc. There are pros and cons to every family size but there are some great pros of having just one!

I agree, I only had one who has an excellent life, lots of friends, is kind and has an interesting career, no different really to a person with siblings except maybe somewhat more independent and enjoys time doing things alone which not everyone does.

Sometimes it can't be helped, for others it is a choice, or a bit of both. There are plenty of only children around who turn out fine.

I could have written this - going through the same. I would love another one but DH is not convinced. I will be 40 next year and our son is turning 3 in a few months, I’m losing the strength to start all over again.

DH’s reasons for just wanting one are valid - we have no village, and had a very traumatic period with DS as a newborn needing neonatal care. Both of us were always active/adventurous and DH keeps saying that in a few years we can go again travel and provide great experiences to DS. Coming from families with modest backgrounds, we appreciate the fact that we live without financial stress, we can offer to DS what we think is best for him and not worry about money. A second child would change all that.

But it’s been very hard to accept and I can’t help feeling sad when I hear about pregnancies of friends and relatives. Sending love, OP.

Thank you everyone! I think the hardest part will be the sorting and getting rid of all the baby stuff I had been saving.
But it will feel like a load off once it's done.
I think we're making the final decision in the next 1-2 weeks.

Told DH today I want to start getting rid of all the "what if" baby stuff, and he asked me what if we need it.
How do I navigate this? He doesn't want to commit to another DC but doesn't want to let go of the possibility either.
I need a firm decision (regardless of what it is) so I can move on and not be in the limbo of "maybe, maybe not" as we've been in this limbo for 1-2 years. I want to start making decisions in life around our decision of having another or not and moving forward.

Any advice would be welcome.i know i may be detailing my thread here.

@december2020 I am in a slightly different situation in that I have two, and want a third, and my DH, like yours, is undecided but leaning towards not having another.

I simply cannot get rid of the baby stuff so we are keeping it all. I'll deal with it in 5 years if I have to, when hopefully it'll hurt less and I'll be at peace with the decision.

Like your DH, mine says we 'might' need all the baby stuff one day but isn't able to commit. I got bored with waiting and hoping so have accepted life as a 4, but we've also agreed to discuss again in 12 months. For me mentally I find it easier to leave the door open. He doesn't seem ready to close it fully but has warned me that he's 99% sure.

I am 36 so don't have loads of time. My children are 1 and 3. How old are you and how old is your DS?

It's really hard to let go of a vision you had for your family. I know logically we are better to stick but the heart wants what the heart wants! I also had to convince my DH for #2, he is so happy we did though, now.