Forcing child into school

[Ohohh737474784]

What are you opinions on this? Prior to the holidays my reception child began having behaviour problems in school. Many times they have refused to go in and I’ve been told to carry them in, I’ve had teachers visit the house and ask me to force into the car whilst kicking and screaming. Once dropped off the behaviour of screaming and hiding under furniture continues for a couple of hours and then I’m phoned to say all calm. This doesn’t sit right with me at all and I am going to refuse to do this after the holidays. Where do I stand with the school, what will happen if if I cannot get them there? I’m assuming a fine, but what else can I do? I’ve tried everything, some days we had no problems, but it got increasingly worse towards the end of the year mainly because of them trying to force an activity on the curriculum which gives my child extreme anxiety. Child also does not want to move up a year and has extreme anxiety about a new classroom and teachers.

Do you think the issue is this specific curriculum activity, or the transition to school itself? I'm a Y1 TA, and have had a few students over the years who have refused in a similar way to your son.

We've had success with bringing them in through a different door to the others (in some cases through the office, in one case through the veggie garden at the back) so that they're away from the hectic noise and fuss of the cloakroom. Also, having time 1:1 with one of us reading a book/doing some drawing/lego for five minutes or so somewhere quiet before they head into the classroom. It took time, but by the end of the first month, they were all able to come into school without any distress.

Have school tried anything like this, or has it been a case of getting him through the door however possible and expecting him to follow the usual classroom routine?

It sounds like you need more support. What can school do to support you and your child to help them attend school?

Speaking from my own personal experience, I was a school refusing child from probably that age. My mum stopped forcing me to go, because it caused her too much stress dealing with it. It really negatively impacted me. I missed a lot of school and felt like a big failure for a lot of my primary and into secondary years. What I needed wasn’t to miss school, what I needed was more support to be in school.

Oh god, I would totally stop with the forcing. This won't help you get your child to school in the medium and long term.

But as others have said, school needs to step up. The senco will have dealt with this many many times. If 'forcing' in is their best strategy, I would think about moving school ASAP.

I speak as someone with two school refusers who I never let stay at home for more than a couple of days. I even stayed at school myself with one child over months and months. I gradually backed out of this with great help from a second school. Basically- most kids are better off in school but it needs to be the right school, with great support. Forcing ain't it.

The school should be able to put any number of positive and gentle strategies in place. If they can't then move school.

We experienced this, it was so out of character. I was so distraught I changed schools and it stopped. I still dont understand what quite happened during the that period but the relief when it stopped was amazing. Doing wonderful now and it's just a bad memory (for me), he's thriving.

It’s very stressful when this happens. You need to be really on the case with school, pushing them to put support in place and showing them that you want to tackle this together. The alternative, as others have said, is that they miss out on a ton of school, which is to their detriment.

Make sure that you email the school, using the words ‘school refusal’, saying you want to work with them and want a meeting with the SENCO to discuss what support can be put in place.

As a teacher I wouldn't tell any of my parents to force a child into school. Ask the school if there any members of staff he could spent the first 10 minutes of the day with at school, have some toast, play his favourite game etc to encourage him in in the mornings? Or maybe he could do this after school with his new teacher a few times?

Not my child but my friend's, they gave him a job to do every morning so he went in through the main entrance not the playground. He was met by the TA and I think they collected the milk for KS1 on a trolley and then put them into the fridge, he had to help count them.

This was for year 1 due to feeling overwhelmed. You need to get school to suggest things to get your child in. Are you at home when they are in school? Is there a younger sibling who gets to remain home? Do you go off to work after drop off? Just trying to work out if there is a reason for wanting to be at home that has nothing to do with school.

Absolutely reiterate what many others have said, the school need to be offering strategies to support an easier transition into school such as 1:1 meet and great and an activity of child’s choice to settle them in. I am alarmed that the school thinks that your child being distressed for 2 hours after drop off is ok. If he school isn’t willing to take action soon this will turn into school based trauma. Does your child have any sen that need assessing?

Its interesting you feel like this as so many parents of school refusing children feel they are doing the kinder thing by letting their child stay off school but it sounds like actually with hindsight you wish people had persevered in getting you to school.

I often wonder if this is what many school refusers will feel 10-15 years down the line when they find themselves with few formal qualifications and fewer options/choices for their future lives stretching ahead of them

My school refuser (didn't attend any school from age 10 when he had a breakdown) is absolutely fine thanks.

He's just finished his first term at UCL and I'm driving him back down to London at the weekend for his second term.

He's glad that I didn't force him into an unsuitable environment for his educational needs. He's autistic and the environment made him anxious.

There are way too many assumptions regarding outcomes of refusers.

www.supportservicesforeducation.co.uk/page/20029

See if there is anything helpful about Emotionally based school
Avoidance in this link.

OP don't force him it, it will cause long term harm.

You need to get his needs assessed, there will be something causing him to not want to be there, can he vocalise? Can he draw a picture if he can't talk about it.

School should be helping, a change to the way he arrives could help?

It may be with adjustments that he will be able to attend as normal but forcing him in is so harmful.

To add another voice, my school refuser (from 11-17) has done well since quitting school- studying for a degree and working part time, has friends and a romantic partner, their sparkle is back.

I spent years dragging this kid in to school at primary age, it was awful, and is one of my biggest regrets, ruined our relationship for a while and made them very angry and violent. I trusted school were giving me the best advice but i should have trusted my instincts.

I think as long as parents put other scaffolding in place (opportunities for socialising, learning, life skills etc) thats whats important.

Have you spoken to the SEND teacher? My DGD began school in reception ok but when she move up, she would hide under the tables. We discovered that she has ADHD, so it seems that she was overwhelmed and needed to relieve how she was feeling