9 year old not sleeping

[Crocamoc]

My 9 year old DD has never slept well, but recently it’s got worse and worse to the point I don’t know what to do. She has always needed someone to lie with her or check on her every 10 minutes before she falls asleep and would often be awake at 11pm. However recently this has been pushed back to 1am or 2am 😳 I am exhausted, she is exhausted and I am struggling to be the sort of parent I want to be on such little sleep. I have started to lose my temper at bedtime which I know is making things worse but I feel desperate. She comes up and down the stairs or into my room constantly, she needs a wee, a drink, she feels sad etc. She fiddles around to keep herself awake, then ends up in my bed as it’s the only way she will sleep. Even then she will lie awake fiddling until the early hours of the morning. Things were improving slightly and then her dad (who I’m no longer with) decided to take her to an entirely inappropriate scary attraction and now she lies awake half the night crying and saying she’s scared. I try to stay calm and comfort and reassure her but I am at my wits end. This has been going on for 9 years and getting progressively worse and worse. I’ve spoken to the GP who arranged for her to speak to a counsellor, we saw her once weeks ago and she said she’d be in touch with more dates and I’ve never heard from her again, no response to my texts and calls. I’m a single working parent, I have to get up at 6am for work and I genuinely don’t know how to carry on like this. Its okay in the holidays because she can sleep in a bit but in term time she’s in breakfast club at 7:30am and there is no way she is coping on 5 hours sleep a night. It impacts everything - her behaviour, my mental health, our relationship. Has anyone gone through anything similar and got any advice?

Few things I can think of that we try with DD who's quite similar:

Listening to audiobooks to distract her mind as she drifts off
Or lullabies
She also has a light projector in her room
Giving in early and lying with her in our bed at bedtime so I sacrifice up to an hour but it's at 8.30 so I know I have a bit of evening to myself after that
Lots of physical exercise
Consistent bed time and wake up time
No screens after 7pm - reading / drawing etc

@FusionChefGeoff Thank you for responding. I have tried audiobooks but she gets too involved in the story and I do lie with her for around 30 minutes after stories. I think a consistent bedtime and wake up time might be the key, along with no screens after 7. At the moment they go off at 8 but maybe that’s not enough screen free time before it’s time to sleep. I think the problem is that she doesn’t want to sleep, she purposefully keeps herself awake until I come to bed but I can’t work out why she’s staying awake so late now. I’m in bed with her and she’s still fiddling around and not sleeping until the early hours!

Gosh it’s difficult isn’t it. I don’t really have any advice, my 7 year old has always been a poor sleeper but got significantly worse after I separated with my husband.

He gets really anxious on his own (there was an issue when we separated where I couldn’t see him for 3 days and he thought I’d gone for good, so I think he still doesn’t trust that I’m not going anywhere!)

I cuddle him to sleep so he does settle within half an hour but will wake up and come in with me a few hours later.

I figure like all things it’s just a phase and will pass eventually, hang in there!

I was an insomniac child... (and adult)

Is she getting lots of physical exercise? Does she do any sports clubs etc?

Make sure all food and drinks are consumed and hour before bed then lead her gently back into her bedroom each time without saying a word even if you have to do it a hundred times.

My DD was very much like this at 9.

Agree with others on the physical exercise. Probably the last thing you feel like doing but could you both go for an evening walk or start the C25K together?

How's her diet? There is a great guide here that shows how to get the nutrients she needs into her diet.

If audio books are keeping her awake will she read herself or have you tried guided meditation aimed at Preteens?

My daughter uses audio books too , but if they're too stimulating, she's also got some mindfulness audios and meditations for bedtime. She's been using them on and off since she's 5 due to sleep issues. Have you spoken to the GP? They might prescribe melatonin.

I have a non sleeper!

A weighted blanket and white noise help a bit, I think, as does taking them swimming or for a long walk if you have time.
I think its a vicious circle whereby mine is so tired, they are running on adrenaline and it makes sleeping even worse.
If its very bad, I'll put them in bed with me for a few nights, go to bed at the same time and nap for a bit, they definitely fall asleep more quickly if im there and i can discourage endless reasons for them to get up...then get up when they are well and truly asleep and have a couple of hours to myself. It's really not ideal, but sometimes this saves my sanity.

My son was never a great sleeper, he went on a residential break with school when he was 9 and they were telling scary stories - he never slept a wink for weeks. It was utterly exhausting, it came to a head when I was in work and I burst into tears because I was so tired. I took a weeks leave from work and set up a bed on his bedroom floor next to his bed. We had no screens from 7pm, he had supper and a warm milky drink, jigsaws and stories until 9. Then we both went to bed, lights out and I slept on his floor. On the first night, I just held his hand so he knew I was there, he woke up several times through the night - I just said I’m here and took his hand again. His waking got less and less and after 4 nights he was going to bed at 9pm (with the same bedtime routine of supper/drink/stories) with no issues and sleeping through the night - he’s 14 now and slept through ever since! I feel your pain! Good luck!

YY to the weighted blanket. DD even takes her away with us if we go in the UK. She also has a huge cuddly toy that she cuddles. The "Sleepy" cream from Lush helped a bit too.

Ultimately though the only thing that's worked properly is Melatonin from Community Paediatrics but she wasn't referred just for insomnia

Thanks so much everyone! DD is pretty active - scoots to and from school every day, swimming lessons on a Monday, cubs on a Tuesday, fun swim with me on one other day and 3 hours at musical theatre classes on a Saturday. I think I could definitely try doing an evening walk/bike ride/scoot on the days when we have time though. Her diet really isn’t great and I will definitely look into making some changes there. I think I just need to be a lot more “on it” in terms of the routine from after school all the way up to bedtime. I often get distracted by my other children or her dad drops her home very late (like 9pm when we had agreed 7pm) but I think there are definitely changes I can make that will help. I think a big problem is that her siblings are much older (young adults) so she often feels like she’s the only one going to bed. I was going to sleep with her for a while, but then my 17 DD got upset because she felt she never got any time with me on my own in the evening 😩😩😩 I appreciate the advice so much, and also just knowing I’m not alone!!

Another thing is making sure you get a good dose of sunlight early in the morning - helps to set your body clock. So even if not school days, a glass of milk in the garden or something to get outside as early as reasonable may help.

DD also uses an eye mask. The hilarious thing is that she insists on a night light too