Second child monopolising mum

[Alwaysyoudoyou]

I have two DC, DC1 is 5 & DC2 is 3. Everyone said when DC2 came along they would just slot in, but it didn't happen that way, right from the early days our older child was far more accommodating and DC2 has never really gained cooperation skills despite my best efforts to keep things fair since the early days.

DC2 is very possessive of me and throws a fit whenever DC1 is holding my hand, having a cuddle, sitting on my lap etc. Either getting very emotional/screechy or aggressive and violent against DC1. I don't give in, but instead explain (sometimes calmly but recently with increasing frustration and exasperation) that everyone deserves a turn. Often DC1 will make space so they can both have a hand or both have a knee etc but even this isn't enough, DC2 genuinely doesn't even want me touching or looking at anyone else. Sometimes DH takes DC2 away from the situation until calm, but he's not always around. I thought it would get better as language skills improved etc but so far it just seems they are more efficient at expressing the wish that DC1 gets off 'MY mummy!'

It's really affecting my relationship with DC1 who I feel now often goes to DH when they need something to avoid a show down with the smallest. This in turn is making me very resentful towards DC2 as I don't like being in the centre of this tug of war. I have two hands, two knees, there should be space for both!

Any tips on how to combat it? Someone suggested a corner or step or something for DC2 to sit on and have a moment, but I'd assume I'd be needed to ensure that is carried out which means my attention would be firmly away from DC1 which kinda feels like DC2's goal! We've been waiting for this 'phase' to pass but seriously 3.5 years on I feel I'm missing out on DC1. I don't want this time to pass to find they've outgrown even wanting to hold my hand anymore just because the little one is constantly throwing a wobbler!

It's tough on both children who want your uninterrupted attention, but I think your feelings may be a little blurred because it's flattering that the littlest wants you (and they are the littlest) and it sounds as though you're (perhaps unintentionally) giving into him more to keep the peace.

I think I'd consider how you'd react if it wasn't you but a toy, for example, that he was shouting about; I'd guess you might be firmer and defend your oldest's rights more.

So when for example he says "get off my mummy" just keep repeating that you are both of their mummy. Making it funny or lightening the tone can help with cuddling and tickling but basically don't let it become a stand off.

You're the grown up. You can choose how you interact with both of them and you're right to be wary that your eldest will stop bothering if it's a fight every time.

Perhaps set strong boundaries (it's not nice to be fought over) that mummy doesn't want fighting and screaming instead of cuddles and once you start that behaviour then cuddle time is over. People who don't fight get your attention.

OP, I am in exactly the same position with the same age DC. DC2 is so possessive of me and doesn't want DC1 to have ANY cuddles with me. What we have been doing recently is talking to DC2 about it in calm moments away from DC1. We have been doing this regularly. This morning DC2 woke up and said 'I'm going to share the cuddles today mum'. Fingers crossed

Oh that's lovely! Thanks for the tip, will give it a go.

Thanks for your reply. Honestly I don't give in to the little, I started off calmly explaining (whilst not relenting) but more recently get very exasperated and stick to my guns. The stand off is usually between us rather than DC1&2. The oldest doesn't like confrontation so will often make space of their own accord. Once DC2 is sobbing because it hasn't gone their way then DC1 feels bad and wants to either get down to make the situation better or at least make space so they can share. However DC2 gets vicious towards DC1, which does often mean that cuddle time ends whilst I deal with a hurt DC1 etc. It doesn't feel like a working solution as DC1 hasn't done anything wrong in the moment and yet gets a shorter time on my knee etc because I'm dealing with the fallout.

I assure you if you ever saw me parenting you wouldn't think I had any issues with boundaries. We're trying to parent without yelling and violence but there are still very firm boundaries and consequences.

IMO, it's also incredibly difficult because DC2 literally clings to me and when I remove them from me, they run right back over and climb on me again. So, short of locking myself in the bathroom with DC1 for cuddles which seems a bit drastic, it's very hard. When my partner is around he tries to occupy DC2 so I can have some time with DC1.
Anyway, lots and lots of talks with DC2 about this is starting to change things but it takes a lot of reminding.

I have a 6 yr old and a 3 yr old, can you put your youngest to bed 30 mins before your elder one? My 3 year old is just really demanding compared to my 6 yr old, so we do bedtime stories all together, the younger one goes to bed, the older one stays up for a bit and we chat or play a game or read a book.
Otherwise can you just see it as a behaviour issue, rather than worrying about the dynamics of it all? What would you do if your 3 year old was aggressive to or screeched and shouted at another child in the park - can you implement the same strategy when they do that with your elder child when fighting over you, and try not to overthink it?

I cuddled both and all right from the younger ones being born.So that was the norm. We all loved each other, that was the expectation.

Could you use a timer for a few weeks? So you are giving cuddles equally but alternately at a set point each day. That way DC2 will know they will be getting their turn, but DC1 is also getting theirs.

You’re dc2 is a little older then mine so I don’t know if it would work the same as it did for us but we had a similar situation with Dc1 and 2. When Dc1 was on my knee or we were talking and Dc2 tried to push them off or interpret I’d tell Dc2 no you’ve sat on mummy’s knee all day/ you’ve talked to mum lots it’s dc1s turn and I’d just say it once, just once. Then when they proceeded to have a melt down we’d ignore it and keep our attention focused on Dc1, because by trying to stop the tantrum we were doing exactly what they wanted. Dc2 still has his moments but it’s become a lot fairer.

I bet the OP never thought of that! Thank goodness for your wisdom.

The 3 year old is too little to understand other people's needs, that will only come with time and brain development, unfortunately.

Can you find time to do something special with your older child on a regular basis? Like every Saturday morning you go to the park together while OH looks after the 3yo. A cuddle and bedtime story every night, just the two of you, after the smaller one is in bed. Some dependable regular time which is just for them to have you to themself. It really helps to sustain the connection between you and reassures them that you are there for them. Just make sure that during your time you are genuinely there for them, not thinking about the washing up or how soon you can leave them to have your shower or whatever but putting all your attention on them.

I think there are two aspects to this, which I'd deal with separately.

Firstly, making sure DC1 gets quality 1-1 time, including cuddles, with you so they don't always feel that they have to give way to their sibling. At weekends, can you get your DH to take DC2 out by themselves, or you take DC1 out somewhere special without their sibling?

Second, address the behaviour. Like the poster above suggested, pretend that you are a toy they are fighting over and put in place the strategies you would implement (taking turns etc) to deal with that situation.

How lucky you are. OP has obviously tried that , she's made the thread because it's not working for her.

less advice for dealing with dc2, id Full on ignore dc2 when they act like that. Ask dc1 if they want a treat, withhold from dc2 for behaviour - if there isn’t someone to haul them away. But I’m sure you’ve tried that, or it might increase the competition.

For dc 1 I do have some suggestions. dedicated ‘dates’ with dc1. Swim, treats, shopping. Keep them your little buddy. Make sure you’re splitting your time evenly at home.

im with a DC2, and they are mid forties, their mom didn’t try. So I get to watch their heart break over and over when their mom bends over backwards for dc2, but can’t be bothered to come by for dc1’s birthday (they don’t even like birthdays, but mothers should try) because dc2 might maybe need her.

so anyway. Worth the effort. Thank you for caring, dc1 needs you too!

Is there somewhere safe you can put DC2 if they start having a tantrum, while you give DC1 cuddles?
Can you say put them in their room, close the door while you play with DC1?
I have done this with one child whilst then loudly reading to the other, making it clear that the child trying to take all the attention was missing out on that attention by not behaving nicely to their sibling.
However, I had to sit right next to the door holding the handle tightly with one hand to keep the door shut and stop them from opening it. It wasn't exactly quality time, but it got the point across that the behaviour wouldn't be tolerated.

It depends how the child reacts though. In this case they stayed right by the door sulking, but I can see how it wouldn't work if the child just went into the room and started throwing things around or potentially doing something dangerous.