First time away from toddler - tips please

[TartanPaint24]

Apologies for a slightly lengthy read… I’m looking for some practical tips and a bit of a handhold from wise Mumsnetters about leaving my toddler for the first time and generally getting used to time apart from her.

DD is currently 15 months and we are expecting DC2 in January. DH and I are gradually starting to prepare DD to spend some time away from us with family who are very familiar to her, she totally loves and sees often, but who she isn’t used to spending time with without at least one of us being present too. (Not enforced or anything, just how our usual visits/time together are spent.) Our family have offered to step in and stay with DD at our house when the time comes to go to hospital to have DC2 so this is really to get us used to it in the lead up.

I know I am probably overthinking it. We are very fortunate to be in a position where I’m a SAHM to DD so we are used to being together all the time and while I totally love it, I am also aware I’ve been a bit PFB about leaving her with anyone who isn’t her dad/my DH so please be gentle lol. To be completely honest, I think this stemmed from my PPA after she was born. I am much, much better now but still sometimes feel I’ve failed a bit because I’m not super comfortable at the thought of us being apart from her.

I know she will have an absolute ball spending time with our family members and it wouldn’t be a case of her being hysterically upset for the duration but the mum guilt I get at the thought of her theoretically being upset/tired/looking for me and me not actually being there or not being old enough to understand if/why something is done differently than she’s used to etc - it just eats me up inside tbh. But I’d also like her to continue to grow her bond with her extended family and don’t want to get in the way of that.

As I say I’m aware that this is a me problem! So I’m kindly asking for any tips and reassurance you may have.

Thank you.

The most useful thing you can do is to start getting her used to spending time away from you, in small bursts to begin with, well in advance of January. Could your family take her to the park, or invite her for tea etc and then build up to longer visits? Could they help with bath and bed time at yours? She needs to be completely comfortable with them helping her to get dressed, with changing her nappy etc so that when you're having your baby she's used to being away from you and cared for by others.

Thank you, those are great ideas especially about bath and bed time etc. We will get organising!

Do something nice for yourself when they first take her to distract yourself (leisurely lunch/ nails or hair done.) You’ll come back refreshed and she’ll have a great time.

We have our toddler in nursery 3 days a week (for us to work) and she genuinely loves it. It’s good for them to learn to interact with other people without you there, and your family will love the time.

Thank you for your suggestions, a leisurely lunch does sound appealing! Definitely need to keep myself distracted the first few times I think.

I agree with others, start small and do something yourself whilst she's with them - lunch/coffee with a friend, exercise class, get a beauty treatment. Would help if you set expectations around contact as well in terms of what you want (eg update texts, photos etc). It is so beneficial for kids to have relationships with other adults, remember that, and you shouldn't feel any guilt.

The first time of leaving them in the care of someone else happens at some point. Will your family members look after her exactly the same way you will? No. But if you trust their judgement, will they place her interests first and care for her and do a good job? Will she be okay? Yes!

The majority of 18 month olds are probably left with someone else some of the time - whether in full time or part time childcare, or with a grandparent or other relative on a regular or ad-hoc basis. Even if it's just for an hour or two here or there. Often there might be a bit of separation anxiety at first, but they adapt and learn that other people are also safe and care for them, and that mummy will come back. And it doesn't have to be 100% on you all the time, it's okay to still be a person in your own right.

Thank you for all of the wise words, it's great to hear it from another perspective - I know I was getting in my own head about it!