Poor behaviour on holiday

[Coffeedream]

We’ve just been on holiday with DS(9), DH, and in-laws with DNephew(8). DS(9) played up on/off the whole time - not listening, refusing to do as he was told, flying off the handle at the slightest thing, and grumpy. Then, he’d be alright for a while before something would set him off - all behaviour directed at DH and I (but mostly me). They say behaviour is communication but we can’t figure out what the problem but as soon as we parted ways with the relatives on the last day DS was back to his usual self and has been fine ever since.

DS gets on very well with his cousin and they’ve never argued or fallen out, but he did tell us half way through the break that he was getting irritated with him. Cousin is very ‘young’ for his age, and SIL encourages this and babies him (this has been commented on by wider family, not just us) and is an extreme helicopter parent.

She mollycoddles him and encourages his young behaviour, which DS told us one evening he was getting irritated with ie carries a stuffed toy everywhere and constantly role plays bouncing the toy over people’s shoulders and talking in a babyish voice, leans over DS in his personal space (and his parents) and clambers over him if he’s sitting eating at mealtimes or elsewhere, makes repetitive noises sometimes ie na na na etc, and his conversations and interests are young for his age. No SEN before anyone asks.

But, could this have been enough to trigger DS to behave poorly (and out of character)? Dealing with this for a week? While DS gets on so well with his cousin perhaps this is just too long given they are at very different maturity stages despite being only a year’s difference in age? As I said above, as soon as we left to go home DS went back to his usual happy, loving self but on this holiday he really didn’t endear anyone to him.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if your DN does have SEN; his behaviour doesn't sound age-appropriate.

Given this, he will probably remain behind your DS developmentally, so going away for a week will continue to be a source of conflict. You might be able to see them in small doses instead.

I had my first in 1995. There was a high profile case of a baby being snatched from her cot in hospital a few weeks before, so no chance of anyone not having eyes on their baby all the time!

I agree with this, yes.

8 and 9 are 'cuspy' years in terms of child development, I think. There is a broad range of what is age appropriate, but I don't think we do kids any favours hurrying, shaming or disciplining them through the last bit of 'acting young for their age'; there is lots of mileage and learning in the play and exploration which this transitional phase brings with it. I see it in school all the time, and just incorporate it in teaching. A more 'mature' acting child might be easier to manage and less annoying if you're prone to be irrirated by children's behaviour, but there are lots of learning opportunities and teachable moments for us as parents when these kinds of situations arise, so we can act in our children's best interests without making either child 'wrong'.

Can you perhaps talk to him in a reflective way about the holiday? As in, that you found his behaviour different and a little disappointing and ask if there were any reasons. Encourage him to find ways to express any frustrations that it sounds like he definitely had. Maybe create some kind of code that he can express being over stimulated without feeling awkward.
These are tricky years in forming their personalities and with a few extra expectations of others (ie entertaining DN) can be filled with pressure.

Agree
Why all the excuses for your child's poor behaviour? You're absolutely projecting that your nephew was annoying him, even if he was your child dealt with that poorly so look to your own child's behaviour.

We used to go away with the whole e tended family - pils, and two lots of auntie include and cousins.

My two were the oldest and were constantly expected to play with the younger ones.

I spent a lot of my time protecting my two while trying not to piss off the other adults.

Oh I'm really sorry X is very tired now she's just going to have a nap in our room (child spends two hours in our room watching a film and resting)

Oh she's very prone to nosebleeds and one seems to be coming on, best not go out.

Etc etc.

My kids are now grown up and have told me they hated the family holidays.

Next time tell your own child "to use his words and tell cousin to get off him"
Then when your child says, "get off my chair I'm eating my dinner" if cousin does not, then you can back him up with "did you hear my child tell you to leave him alone? Please listen to him as he does not want you touching him" etc.
Equally if 8 year old is annoying you, use your worlds to tell them. "Please stop bouncing your teddy on me"

If cousin is bouncing a teddy on your child, ask your child out loud "do you want that teddy being bounced on your head?" etc?

Encourage your own child to assert themselves, and back them up unconditionally. Just because your 9 year old is related to an 8 year old does not mean that they can't tell them no, when the younger one is annoying them, and the 8 year old might learn that actually, the world does not revolve around them.

It sounds like your child was being constantly irritated by his cousin and he was communicating this to you all.

We’ve had similar experiences with my DS and a close friends DS. I used to think it was my DS playing up and to the outsider that is what it looked liked - but in the end I figured out that my friends ds is an incredibly irritating child (doing very much all that you described your DN doing as well as not stopping talking at all, ever. I realised that my child was ending up the scapegoat as my friend never picked up on irritating behaviour, or corrected her child. My son was so overwhelmed once I had to take him away and give him a cold shower and a chat (during which friends son kept chapping the door repeatedly- there was no escape). I ended up just asking my child outright how he felt about my friends ds and he was so relieved to have a space to voice how hard he found it to be around him for extended periods. Truth be told- I felt the same. Now we limit time with that child, we have safe word to use if my child needs a break, and over time I just started to meet my friend one to one without the children. You’ve done the right thing letting your child express his feelings and validating them. It may be hard to completely avoid your DN but being aware of how he makes you son fee can mean that you can support him with this

The trick to a joint holiday is to plan time apart. All day every day together is too much.

Having said that, I wouldn't go on holiday in a group if it would force my DC into the situation of being expected to interact for days on end with a child they don't naturally get on with and if I did I would expect there to be fallout in terms of their behaviour.

We recently had a family holiday and the cousins definitely got fed up with each other. We had to give them breaks from eachother to allow some breathing space.he was prob just overwhelmed and irritated

Although my kids have and often do behaved badly on holiday with no annoying cousins present I think I would assume the cousin was the cause if your DS's bad behaviour. Copying or taking out his frustration on you. I wouldn't go with them every year it sounds difficult.

You’ve said yourself your DS didn’t endear himself to anyone on this holiday. A fly on the wall observer might come away from it judging him and you as harshly as you are judging your nephew and his parents.

whatever the reason, I would suggest you don’t holiday with them again as it sounds horrible for everyone.

That's behaviour for a 4-year-old, not an 8-year-old. Imagine having to spend time with someone like that on holiday. I'd be moody, let alone the Op's son. I'd just leave it; you all survived.

This!
I can belive this post OP and some of the replies here.

Strange we leave in the word now where parents looking for any excuse rather than thinking about they own parenting style.
Even if your son was annoyed by the the cousin behavior, it's your job to teach him to to handle his frustration. Seems like he doesn't receive any punishment for his actions, so why are you surprised he was acting out? All children would do if they could!