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Parenting

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Original poster

When to let it go??

21 replies

Flowertop · 15/04/2008 08:54

Hi I just wondered how you let go of being really cross with your DC's when they have done something. For example yesterday my DS2 scratched my brand new £500 beautiful table when he was in there by himself - he is 7 btw. He was fighting with DS1 and during the process he scraped something along the table as he picked it up. I was furious and every time I look at my table those angry feelings well up. We were supposed to be going to cinema yesterday and obviously this was cancelled and he spent a good few hours in his bedroom. My problem is with these kind of things is when to let it drop. How much punishment is enough? As I say I keep looking at the table and get really annoyed and then see him having a laugh with his brother about something else and I feel really angry, like I want him to be really sorry. I am only giving this as one example but would like to know how I can drop my feelings of resentment at these times. Perspective please.
Thank you!

OP posts:

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Heifer · 15/04/2008 09:25

I personally think it is very harsh to be cross with a child when they have done something accidently...

Re your feelings of resentment afterwards, can you not take any pleasure in the fact that your son is having a good time with his brother? I know that when my DD is having fun I feel pleased about it not resentful.

Your DS is 7, it was an accident, you punished him (quite harshly I feel) and you NEED to let it go....

Cover the table up with something if that helps....

juuule · 15/04/2008 09:46

Let it go. It was an accident. I think you've already done enough to send the message home.

OverMyDeadBody · 15/04/2008 09:55

I do feel you're being a bit harsh on your DS for something that was an accident and should definately try to let go now.

I'm guessing you're upset that your nice table is now damaged, and projecting your upsetness into anger towards your DS, but that's not going to fix the table or stop it happening again in the future.

Would it help if you sat down and talked to yuor son about how sad you feel aboiut the damage? Perhaps seeing his remorse might help you let go and put it behind you.

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madamez · 15/04/2008 09:57

Hmm, wel you;ve learned a harsh lesson about buying expensive and easy-to-damage furniture when you've got young children. Basically shit happens, get over it. Or what will you do if one of your DC does something really wrong (ie something dishonest or malicious)?

OverMyDeadBody · 15/04/2008 10:03

Perspective:

Life's too short to worry about scratched furniture.

chopchopbusybusy · 15/04/2008 10:04

I would be angry too. Of course accidents happen, but children do need to be told when they have caused damage. But you cancelled the cinema trip yesterday and made him spend time in his room, so I think he's been punished enough now.

PrettyCandles · 15/04/2008 10:08

He's been punished enough. But you should talk to him, explain that he spoiled your new present, and that evry time you see the scratches you are upset again. Ask him to think about how he would feel if his little brother had damaged XYZ - naming his newest and most special toy.

RubyRioja · 15/04/2008 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

juuule · 15/04/2008 10:16

While children do need to learn to respect furniture it can take a while for them to learn. In the meantime I think it's helpful for parents to understand that accidents will happen and if there is anything you particularly value, keep it out of the child's way until they get older.

OverMyDeadBody · 15/04/2008 10:28

Maybe I'm in the minority here but I don't think children need to learn to respect furniture! Respect is reserved for living things I feel. I think children need to learn not to willfully damage anything, but to me furniture has a purpose, other than that it isn't important to me. A table with a scratch on it still works as a tabloe right? A wall with some 'artwork' on it still works as a wall right? Does it matter in the grand scheme of life how these things look?

OverMyDeadBody · 15/04/2008 10:30

Sorry, I feel I digressed from the op and the actual topic of learning to let go, I didn't mean to.

I agree with what you said juule, apart from the respect thing.

juuule · 15/04/2008 10:45

Overmydeadbody - I understand what you are saying about things being functional but children do need to learn not to have consideration (respect) for things. Yes, a table still functions as a table even if it's got chunks out of it and scratched to death and you might be okay with that. But somewhere along the line children have to learn that it upsets people to have their belongings damaged (including the child itself), particularly if a lot of time, effort or money has been put into it. Surely the best place to start learning to value and care for things is in the home and with family who usually will make allowances for the child's learning curve more easily than others outside the home.

Original poster

Flowertop · 15/04/2008 10:46

I knew I would get some helpful answers on MN. Thanks. I just think that sometimes as a parent you don't even know if you should punish for things done, i.e. he was fighting with his brother which I have been pissed off with of late and because of this he scratched the table. If he just picked something up off the table and scratched it of course he wouldn't be punished but the fact that they were fighting over the table and that is why it was badly scratched really upset me. Should we not be teaching our DC's to respect their homes now or should we wait for them to be adults before we can have nice homes?

OP posts:

juuule · 15/04/2008 10:49

Of course, hat should be 'Learn to have consideration'

OverMyDeadBody · 15/04/2008 10:52

juule and flowertop I understand where you asre coming from, and FT you where right to punish as the scratch was a consequence of him not listening to you and fighting with his brother, that would get me cross too!

I guess the way I see it, we need to teach our children to respect other people, and part of that means not damaging other people's property or doing things that will hurt or upset other people, so I'd like to think that if my DS knew sometihng was really precious to me or valuable to me that he would take extra care not to do anything that could damage or break it, just like I wouldn't do anytihn to damage or break his toys, not because the toys deserve some sort of respect, but because I respect his feelings.

I guess that's what everyone means anyway!

OverMyDeadBody · 15/04/2008 10:56

I've just known a few people who place more value on the posessions in their home than in making sure their children feel like it is their home too, and that makes me sad.

I don't think anyone here was sounding like that thoug.

DS drew some interesting drawings on the hall wall once whenj he was 3, his reasoning was that he though it would make the hall look nicer, it makes me feel sad that some parents would shout at this when the child wasn't trying to be naughty, just making their home look nicer to them

Original poster

Flowertop · 15/04/2008 11:05

You sound a very calm lovely person OMDB and wish I could take some of this on board. I suppose I do love a nice home and we spend a lot making it so. Kids have lovely playroom which they can trash (within reason!) to their hearts content. DH works away a lot which I hate and wonder if it's all worth it when the things we buy get ruined. Unfortunately DS2 is really clumsy and seems to break everything he touches which I suppose is why I was so pissed off with the table.
Please don't berate me for this issue being all consuming as obviously this is just one issue that I am trying to work on to be a better mum! I appreciate your comments.
XX

OP posts:

HuwEdwards · 15/04/2008 11:10

Flowertop, I'm not sure you'll be able to change into this laid-back person you'd like to be overnight

perhaps you need to be more mindful of this when you buy stuff for your home. Our table was £500 but it is made from reclaimed wood - looks good but in a rustic way, and is as 'ard as nails - it has withstood years of 'art' . Stuff needs to be hard-wearing.

bellavita · 15/04/2008 11:19

Flowertop - FWIW I have trouble in letting things go also.

When DH punishes DS1/DS2 - it is over and done with and back to normal.

I am not like that, wish I could be, especially in an incident like yours - I would drag it on also, not that I would mean for it to be dragged on but I dwell on things and that is my nature.

getmeouttahere · 15/04/2008 18:52

I have a tendency to dwell on adverse incidents too, I can't help it. Sometimes DH tells me to get a grip. However, I don't think it is ever too early to try and teach children that certain things cost a lot of money and we should not be careless with them.

I completely understand the OP's feelings of frustration. Tis why though, we have a very old (and rather 'orrible) dining table. I can personally remember several "accidents" that would have spoiled anything better, so am very glad we haven't replaced it yet.

BTW, my kids are 8 and 12 and the eldest is the worst so I think they will need to have left home before I get a new one !

mumeeee · 15/04/2008 23:20

I think you are bieng a bit harsh on your Ds, He is only 7 and he scratched your table by accident. He should not have been fighting with his brother. and he has been punished and that should be the end of it.

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