I want 2 kids but don't know if I could cope

[tiredd]

I'm a SAHM to my 16 month old little girl. I've really struggled becoming a mum, pretty sure I had PND in the beginning but was in denial about it. I miss my freedom and being able to relax whenever I want. I hate the ups and downs. I hate it when she whines and cries for no reason. At the moment she fights her sleep when I put her to bed but anyone else seems to be able to get her down fine. Aware these are all normal baby/toddler things but it's really exhausting. This has honestly been the hardest 16 months of my whole life and I just don't know how I'd cope with two when things got tough. I'd love to give her a sibling, the thought of her being left on her own makes me feel really sad. However I'm not sure if I was meant to be a mother to one child let alone two.
Has anyone else ever felt like this who has two kids? Does it get better as they get older and play together or does it just become more awful?

That sounds really tough. It doesn't get easier I'm afraid after 16 months. Some things are easier like not having to change their diaper when they're a bit older, but then their tantrums get very strong. Whining and crying gets much stronger in a year or two, at least in my experience. Not being able to relax when you want - unfortunately that also doesn't change for quite some time. Can you get some help to deal better with some things and how you react? It's very difficult to have your first. Do you have family support?
In terms of having the second, id wait until you feel a bit more ready mentally. I don't have the second yet, I'm pregnant currently in my first trimester, and my little one just turned 3, and I am really grateful but having a toddler and being pregnant has had challenges. I haven't had time to myself before but now its different level, combined with the guilt. He is a good toddler, he communicates well, but 1 year ago he would not be as patient with me. I didn't have even a bit of PND, and I still struggle. Hopefully all goes well, and we have 2, but it won't be easy those first few months as we settle, basically if it is hard now, it will be twice harder. At some point down the line, 3 years on, maybe it will be ok, but my expectations are it won't be easy at first.

Would going back to work help? You'd both get some time apart which might be beneficial.

I wouldn't think about another baby yet.

I have 2 boys, eldest was 2 half when youngest was born. It is hard for a long time tbh. Have you got anyone helping you? You don't need to think of having another yet and don't worry about the any gaps in ages, you get yourself settled and when your little one is older then maybe have a think. A happy mum is better then an exhausted and unhappy one just to give your child a sibling, your wellbeing matters x

Do you have a partner? Would going back to work give you more balance?

It absolutely does get easier it’s much easier to rationalize with a 3 year old than a 16 month old! I find it gets easier quicker after 18 months. If you need me time you and your partner both need to carve it out.

If you don’t feel ready #2 then don’t try yet but I do find there’s an element of them entertaining each other which can make the second a bit easier. My toddler is obsessed with her sisters age 4 and 6 and yes they fight but they also play. New born and toddler stage is hard, try and see if you can make it easier if you want another!

I absolutely hated my job (office admin, boring) so imagine hating going to work 9-5 and then finding home life a struggle as well. I'd rather just have the one thing to battle with.
I'm 34 so don't exactly have a lot of time to wait around. My husband is fantastic and does a lot to take the load off but he does work Monday to Friday and works away 2 days a week.
I do wonder if we made a mistake having a child because the older she gets I don't feel like I was cut out to be a mum. And now we have her I feel like I will regret it when she's older if I don't give her a sibling. I feel trapped

Please don't have another. It wouldn't be fair on you or your children.

Take time to get your feet under you before you think about baby 2. You found admin boring but there are other jobs/options.

Having a 2nd isn't compulsory. I used to think it was now 7 years down the line only have 1. See how you feel in a year xx

Stop putting pressure on yourself. 16 months is nothing. You don't need to decide yet. Only have another if you feel ready and there's nothing wrong with only having one, too.
Also at 34, you've plenty of time.

I will say a boring office job is a break compared to parenting! But I was very keen to go back when my first was 10 months, and could only contemplate the second when she was post 18 months - she was really really difficult around 15/16 months when she was getting pissed off that she couldn’t walk, and her communication wasn’t getting her what she wanted. She’s now nearly 2.5, and has gigantic tantrums occasionally but overall much much better. I will say fertility declines over time, doesn’t drop off a cliff at 35 or whatever, and there’s no point stressing about the second if you already feel like you’re drowning now. I’d try and find what you can to improve your circumstances currently rather than stressing about the second just now

I've got twins, no chance we're having another. Going back to work saved my sanity and made me a better parent.

Plenty of time OP. I accept that I'm the type of person who can only cope with one young child at a time. So we'll be deciding if we want a second when ours is nearly 4, has more nursery hours, and will soon be starting school. I could never do two under two or two under three. It's just not in me.

I love giving everything I can to my son and I just wouldn't be able to and have fun with him if I was stretched to the max coping with second. Massive respect for those who can but I definitely couldn't.

You don’t have to have another for your existing child. Not all siblings get on. Take a good luck at your social circle, your family and the sibling relationships. In my circle I would say 20% really genuinely get on, support each other - basically have that sibling relationship that everyone says is a guarantee. Probably 30% get on but have their own lives and there is usually one sibling instigating and maintaining contact. Probably 40% who don’t really get along but don’t really not get along either, they don’t have anything in common but they’ll keep the relationship going just because they’re siblings and not for any other reason. Finally 10% that actively don’t get on.

I know someone will make the argument for care. Don’t have kids to care for you when you’re old. Therefore don’t have a second child to help ease the care burden. If you look at your social circle, I bet you’ll have a lot less than 20% of siblings that are sharing the care for elderly parents equally.

That feeling re not thinking you should have been a mum is normal, it's cos you are tired and stressed. It really doesnt matter if you think that you should have been a mum or not, you are and you are the centre of your little ones world, 💗

If it helps, I have one child and that’s how it is staying, my DP and I both have multiple siblings but our decision is to stay with one as it will work best for us. My DD is at nursery as I am working FT so she is building her networks and social connections that way. Don’t feel any pressure to have another if you don’t feel it is right for your family, it’s not compulsory at all!

you don’t mention if you have go to toddler clubs/classes. If not, perhaps it could be worth having a look into these to help you build out a bigger support network with those in a similar position to you. I can imagine the days feel long when you are a SAHM, I have my daughter one afternoon in the week and over the weekend and although I love her with everything I am, that can be testing and exhausting at times as it is.

Honestly I’d wait, you really do have some time… I had mine at 38 and 40 so you can afford to wait a year or two.

i work and will continue to and have a lot more support than some but it is hard.

the tantrums also really dial up after 2 years I’ve had some shockers so I’d wait a bit and see…

I think that sometimes people have an idea before becoming a mother or parents that they like x number of children. When you have a child it's a big change. You currently have a 16 month old, your a sahm and your husband is away working 2 nights a week.
What's wrong with just having one child?
Don't feel that you have to have another child because you said in the past you wanted 2 children. Don't feel either that your child will miss out with not having a sibling because I know several only children and they are well adjusted adults.
Your child is better off with a mother who is happy and with parents that can provide them with a good life, education and travel as they get older.
Also as your child gets older the expenses will get higher.

In your situation I would look into doing some training and see what job opportunities are available once you can avail of free hours childcare. A part time job and some child free time could be good for you.

I never understood having kids for care. It was argument my mom and grandma made and I found it so old fashioned and stifling and unfair.

I found it got a lot harder after 18 months. For me months 9 till 18 were golden months, I could put him in a pram and get out of the house. 18 months hit and the first words, first steps, it takes so long to go out of the house and the delaying tactics and the tantrums 😂 but then at 2.5 years yes it got easier to reason but I'd still say it is hard. He is so precious 💕

@tiredd it is normal to feel like you're not set up to be a mom, it really doesn't mean you're not. But like others said there comes a time when you feel ready (if you feel ready).

Just wait awhile. You do still have time at 34. A small gap isn't mandatory and there's advantages to a bigger gap.

Honestly, I am sticking with one as a I genuinely don't think I could cope with two or doing pregnancy, child birth, new born stuff again. DD is 5 and though she sleeps all night, is delightful and bright she is also really challenging sometimes, the arguing, defiance, strong willed etc is still bloody exhausting.