Looking for opinions to what I feel is a very unusual situation...

[M1D1]

I'm based in the UK and have been divorced for nearly 6 years. It's been a very unpleasant process which finally saw us in the family courts in March. I took my ex to court for better arrangements and won.

I have a very unusual career of nearly 20 years. I work at very high level in live music touring with global artists. This inevitably means huge amounts of time away from my son, which I struggle with greatly. The court arrangment now allows me 50% contact when I am not away, but as an example over the course of this Callander year I will be at home and local to him for just over 2 months in total.

As hard as I have worked and as lucky as I have been in my career I would like to step away from 'the road' and be around more for my son but financially due to a costly divorce and Covid I am not in the position to do so.

In 2019 whilst working in the US I randomly met someone in a bar and over the course of the summer we both fell in love. She has a very different job in the world of the US government, with a big salary (not that this matters). We dated for a few months flying back and forth but obviously her life is in America and I have a son in the UK. We went our separate ways but remained in contact.

Last year having not seen one another since the end of 2019 we reconnected when I was back working in the states and have been trying to find away of making this work ever since.

Work opportunities for her outside the US are slim. I've said that I can't move to the US until my son is older because although I'm away a great deal with my work this is easier for him to understand than me telling him that I'm moving to another country but will be back for regular visits.

I would never want to do anything that jeopardise my son's emotional wellbeing and happiness. I have fought for and built a very strong and loving relationship with him despite the complexities of my career.

Here's the thing I'm struggling with... Because I already have a somewhat crazy job that can take me away for months, if I were to move to be with her in the US I would change careers and over the course of a year I may actually be able to arrange a higher level of contact overall with my son than my life currently allows...

My main concern will always be for my son, but I also deserve to be happy. I have been single for basically 10 years now. I know how much I love this person. I know if it weren't for the fear I have of my son feeling abandoned we would be married by now... my life is already crazy... can anyone help with how they would feel about the pros and cons?

Out of curiosity, who is looking after your son when you’re away. Seeing him for two months the whole year is hardly anything.

Also, how often gave you seen your partner. If you travel alot, sounds like more like a holiday romance.

Because I already have a somewhat crazy job that can take me away for months, if I were to move to be with her in the US I would change careers and over the course of a year I may actually be able to arrange a higher level of contact overall with my son than my life currently allows...

How come you can change careers to be with this woman, but not to see more of your son?

So you'll change jobs for a woman but not for your son to see him more than 2 months in a year ....ok then

Is the career that you would change to in the US also a possibility in the U.K.? If so there is an obvious comparison to be made.

It also seems fairly clear that you are not the main parent for your child, and with your current career you never could be.

I think you're a bit deluded about how good your relationship is with your son. How often did you see him last year?

You have to prioritise your son's needs then whatever space & energy you have left you can use on a relationship. It seems like you are looking for validation to go after this woman.

Really? You chose to stay in a job which meant you barely saw your child. You were thinking of changing your job to spend more time with your child and regular time with your child. But didn’t actually. Just thought about it.

But now you are going to change your job for a girlfriend and spend a little bit more time with your child But not a lot. You still won’t be part of his daily or weekly life? But think you should get 50% of the time when you are in the same country as him.

Pretty sure you posted about this before and yeh same woman. Replies won’t be different.

You see your son two months of the year
who looks after him for the other ten months?!

jesus - prioritise your child

He probably already feels abandoned due to your lack of contact

pathetic

Well you sound like a deadbeat dad so I’d do what you want (which I’d bet my car you would anyway) and hope that your son has a stable life with his mum.

I hope you contribute generously financially.

OP - are you male or female? And how old is your son?

I think it all depends on how well you could manage maintaining a relationship with him. If you’ve so far built a strong relationship despite your work commitments then it’s possible you could build on that to make your move work. You don’t sound like the primary parent so presumably if you moved it would be less disruptive than if you were. It also sounds like eventually the move could provide a path for you to see your son more often. Ultimately only you know how such a move would impact your son, but it does sound like you’re not such a major part of his life (or him yours) which is why you can even contemplate the move.

I read it as 50% of 2 months per year so 1 month total

From my understanding, you have 2 issues.

1. How to spend more time with your son
2. How to have a permanent future with your GF.

I don't think you can achieve both. But at the moment, you don't seem to be doing either.

Make a decision. A commitment. Own the decision you make and take responsibility for the fall-out. But stick to whatever decision you make - two other people who you love are significantly impacted by your current lifestyle.

This doesn't seem to be about trying to parent your son in a more meaningful way. You have a new partner and she wants you to move to her country. You're barely ever in this country anyway, so it seems like it wouldn't make that much difference. Your kid will still barely see you and you can't parent for a month a year.

This is awful to read. You are considering changing career for a partner, but you couldn't do the same for your child? (because you deserve to be happy more than your child deserves a present parent?).

Also, what's this mythical age in which they'll be old enough to 'understand' you choosing a partner over them and moving abroad? They need you to be in the same country as them until they are a fully established adult at the very least, that is, if you plan on being an actual parent to them (which you're not at the moment, you barely see them). My parents are divorced but it didn't stop my dad moving me into university halls, my first house, or even being around to support me when I had children of my own... that's what parents do.

You lost me when you said you would change careers for her, when you clearly haven’t for your son… Seriously, think about that - I am sure you think your son Is your priority, but he isn’t really is he, and I bet he doesn’t feel he is either..