DH struggling with childcare

[Hol932]

Have a 16 month old. Went back to work when he was 13 months for 3-4 days. Took annual leave to make it 2.5 days currently. I used to come back from work and he was in a mood generally. I do have understand how hard it is parenting and being with a child all day so I thought fair enough.
Recently I discussed with him that I may need to do out of hours work on a weekend as part of my training. He already knew I was doing it hours but thought it was just evenings (after a full day of childcare which I find difficult but was happy to make the sacrife). He got annoyed as weekends were his time to chill. Anyway he apologised and we got over that.

Im now attending my close cousins wedding and I discussed this with him a while ago and he agreed to come to my parents and look after baby in the evenings as in do dinner and bedtime for 2 hours. He’d rather have not attended anyway. He’s seemed generally a bit on edge this weekend and I’ve appreciated he’s come for me. Anyway I went out to get some presents whilst baby was napping. I asked him if he wanted to come with me and he didn’t. But baby woke up from nap early and so he had to give him his lunch. Since I got back he’s been really annoyed and refused to explain why, saying he’s fine. My mum was cooking lunch but he’s decided to go out himself alone now. Has been telling me to mind my own business and calm down when I’ve just been asking him what was wrong. It has upset me. And I do appreciate he’s come for me but I asked if he was ok out of concern. He’s stormed off and my mum is now questioning where he is for lunch.

Anyway there’s one more day of the wedding left and I’m afraid to go as I feel like leaving him with baby will end up being the end of my marriage! But I’m also exhausted at him constantly getting annoyed about looking after his baby. I generally do 75% of the childcare anyway and did 99% during Mat leave. Should I go on the last day of the wedding or how should I approach any further conversation with him when he eventually gets back?

Sounds like the baby needs to go to nursery. Working from home and childcare are not compatible. Your DH is obviously not coping. Pointless trying to force to he issue. No, I don't think that you should leave the baby with him.

yes a SAHM that somehow earns a high salary at the same time

Your DS should be in childcare.

I will be discussing it with him and letting him know that it’s not on. But at the time there’s no point getting into such discussion when he’s angry.

So he has ridiculous expectations and gets grumpy when things don't end up the way he thought it would.

Baby needs to be in official childcare really, I can't imagine it's optimal for your child and obviously your husband is struggling.

I would revisit DC going to nursery. No wonder he’s in a mood but he needs to accept that DC belongs in nursery when he’s working.

I WFH and having my DS at home too who is just a little older than your DC would be a nightmare.

Working while looking after a toddler at the same time is really stressful, and probably the worst of both worlds in that the child doesn’t get proper attention and the work is done with one eye on the child. No wonder DH wants a respite.
I have to ask, how is the wedding over several days, and why can’t you take the baby to some of it, or say you’ll only attend part of it?
Not only are you expecting DH to give up his usual rest time, you are sniping while he’s trying not to moan. You know what the matter is, why are you asking? Either let him and your parents get on with it, or take the baby with you. Don’t encourage sulking or listen to passive aggressive comments, and don’t behave that way yourself.

Op, let's just cut to the chase, shall we?

This will be your life until you decide you will no longer stay married to an abusive, childish, selfish, misogynist shitbag of a man. Nothing you do or anything we can advise will ever change who he is.

If this is the life you want and the example you want set for your child, then put up and shut up. If you want better, you will leave him.

WFH with a toddler means you are both failing at your job and failing at being a parent. Which is quite the feat. I think talking about solutions is the important thing. Childcare, he is a SAHF for a while, nanny or help in the home, whatever.

But something has to give. And it's not him being horrible to you, that isn't;t dealing with eh actual problem.

Doesn't sound like he wants to be a dad, does he realise if you left he'd have to do 50% childcare or would he be the type of father who never saw his child again. Must be tough for you bringing up 2 children (him and your baby) What a real prize of a man you have, don't let him away with this behaviour your child will eventually realise his dad doesn't want to be with him that will be an even bigger problem

If you only work 2.5 days why can't he WFH on the other 2.5 days since he doesn't have set hours? Then there's no trying to work around childcare and you both be parents at the weekend.

This.

It sounds like you have a really good set up that you are both managing really poorly. No need for all this drama.

This.

What you're doing now is a recipe for disaster. He can't work and look after a baby at the same time. Is he mad?

You need to sit down together and sort this.