Can’t cope being a single mum right now

[thiscantbemylife]

Just that. I’m 8 months on from my ex walking out on us. I’ve tried everything. Working on myself getting to a better place in life. Therapy you name it. Going out meeting new people.

Taking the kids on holidays by myself, days out and genuinely trying to keep them busy and to move on but I’ve got to this stage I feel resentful that this is my life.

They stay with me most the time and go to his mums every other weekend where he works those days but sees them in the evening.

he’s had time to quickly get into a new relationship with the women he cheated and left me for and to go out with friends most evenings and I feel I do all the drudgery. An then I feel awful as how can spending most the time with my children feel like that?

I broke down yesterday my youngest is 4 and I was in a shop and she wanted something a toy and I said no. I was paying and holding her to stop her running away and she started punching and wacking me in the face. She then clawed my cheeks and ripped my sunglasses off throwing them where they went under a stand in the shop and I just paid and left I felt so broken, humiliated and judged. I have two girls and eldest is 6. I never had this with her and I don’t know if it’s the break up or this is normal.

i reached out to my ex who picked her up to go to his mums a day early and I just got shouted at and told well she doesn’t do that with me. I feel angry at him he seems so well rested and head to toe in new tattoos and designer clothes that he shows off to me. Whilst I’m here up most nights as the kids won’t sleep like they used to. At night they say they miss daddy and when is he coming back.

I want to scream and I keep getting suicidal thoughts. I don’t have anyone that cares about me if anything the opposite and yes I have my kids but even part of me thinks they would be better off with his family. I’m scared I’m going to get bitter. Last night was the last straw my friend who I went out with the other day, said all her friends think I hated them but were jealous of my skin and wanted to know what face cream I used!? I just felt like shit as we all did a group activity and I thought I had made new friends and had a nice day out.

she back tracked and was like oh no it was just two people who said it because you went off on the hike and weren’t always with us. They said they wish they could be like you and just be themselves instead of masking in social situations. I honestly was dumbfounded and didn’t understand. The activity wasn’t hiking but trying to change some the details to not make it outing.

today I’m just on the sofa with my dog and I just fear I’m worthless. I tried so hard. But I feel kicked down repeatedly and I don’t have anyone in my life that I feel I can lean on in hard times.

it’s just a lot right now. The kids aren’t here this weekend and I don’t want to do anything but just sit on the sofa.

This sounds really hard - but I’m sure most of us have dealt with 3/4 year olds screaming for a toy and hating every minute of that experience. Don’t judge by that one incident. Mine kicked off and I had to push the buggy down a side street and stand facing a bare wall until he calmed down. I can still remember it - and he’s 24 now …

Why not chill out this weekend. Slob on the sofa if you want to. Ignore his stupid comment about them not behaving badly for him. Of course they don’t - they’re desperate for him to love them so they behave. They KNOW you won’t leave them - they feel safe enough to kick off with you.

I don’t know how to respond to what happened with your friend - that sounds weird. Perhaps don’t go out with these folks for a while. Nothing nice came of it, so I’d back off from it. Do something nice for yourself today - just chilling out, or a quiet walk.

PS your DC are young, too young to understand. When they’re older they will
know exactly who brought them up - and who saw them for a few hours a fortnight and devoted his time to other women and his money on designer clothes. You’re doing a great job - you matter and you’re of great worth.

And I’ve remembering reading posts from other single mums who say that as time goes on they got into a routine and enjoyed their free weekend. For now, use it to try to catch up on some sleep tonight and relax. Don’t ask too much of yourself.

Hello lovely.

I know things are hard right now, but please believe you have the strength to not only get through this but prosper. I can see the despair in your post and I would encourage you to be a bit more open with one of your friends you truly trust.

Even just expelling how you feel by talking - will do you the world of good. Lots of us have been where you are - but that doesn't make it better, I get it.

All that it does mean is that we've survived and many of us have children that adore us because we did. Sending you love.

It sounds like you are trying to do too much too quickly and are emotionally burning yourself out.

8 months is a short amount of time to have tried all of those things. Pick one thing and aim for it.

Do you want to improve job prospects and learn a new skill, then look at the OU or local college for courses or even Eventbrite for virtual things.

Your girls are struggling too. Forget about making new friends outside of your current circle right now, friendship takes time and emotional investment you don't have right now. Look at family activities you can do with the girls, get involved in sports teams or brownies as a leader etc. or family judo/ karate. You'll naturally develop friendships through these without investing emotionally or financially.

Forget about him and the other woman, they only exist in your life now as glorified childcare.

Life will be tough for a while but it will settle, your DDs will know who was there for them as they grow older, you are going to get all the bad behaviour because you are their constant.

With the toy thing, I wouldn't say no I'd have said "we aren't buying toys today but let's take a photo and put it on your gift list for birthday/Christmas instead" that way it's not an automatic no and I found it always helped.

I’m so sorry you’re having bad luck with the people in your life at the moment.

Small children do pick up on the emotions of their main care giver and because they can’t rationalise what’s at the root of the problem, they act out. That along with the usual age appropriate tantrums can be a lot to deal with when you’re going through emotional upheavals. It does get better.

As for your friend telling you that her friends were talking negatively about you when you’re already fragile, she was beyond thoughtless, and I hope she explained to those women that you have a lot going on in your personal life and they were wrong to expect some fake bubbly persona whilst in their company. Women can be so catty in group settings please don’t take it to heart.

Your ex sounds like the stereotypical cockwomble that walks out on his family and tries to lay blame at the mother of his children’s door, because he’s either clueless about the emotional damage his decisions have caused his family, or he feels guilty about it.

Could you speak to your GP about how you’re feeling maybe ? Please don’t give up it does get better.

Thank you.

yeah that day I took them swimming, went to for milkshakes it was just a lovely fun packed day as it’s the summer holidays and it was on the way back I popped into a clothes shop to get them some more summer clothes and at the check out it happened and throw me off but it’s never been as bad as that. Her dad teaches her to hit or if she hits him he will hit her back and he thinks that’s the way to go so think I’m partly up against a different style parenting.

I found if I get down to her level and express you can’t hurt people but I understand your feelings and ask if she wants a hug 9 out of ten times she wants just that.

I think it’s just a lot right now and as he isn’t co parenting really there is no conversation I make all the decisions and then if that doesn’t work it’s like they are all on me if that makes sense. He’s now telling everyone I wanted full custody and playing that card when I begged for him to just do some school days and he said it was too much for his family aka his mum. So he settled with less weekends with them and to have just every other weekend as for the first six months I had no weekends and my girls wanted quality time. I really though he would move things around to spend more time with them but it’s like he’s wanted to walk out of parenting too so he will take them to the beach or the park twice a month and that’s it. From being there every day of their lives to just being gone is hard for them and I think myself.

I hate how he cheated and left he didn’t even end things by talking to me face to face he ignored me for four months after walking out at Christmas. It’s been the hardest year of my life and I think people are right I have been trying to do too much such as make new friends etc

I don’t get that situation with my friend I honestly thought it was a great day out and they are inviting me out for drinks and now I don’t want to go to be honest. I was nice to everyone and they were asking what skin care I use and I wear this snail slime stuff and they sent me a video of them kinda mocking me putting it on in a TikTok style video and at first I was flattered they thought I had nice skin as honestly I feel rough lately but now it all feels bitchy like high school stuff. But maybe I’m being too sensitive I don’t know. I’m obviously in a fragile mind set.

Ive been asked out on a date and I’m not ready but don’t know if I should get myself out there all I really want to do is just chill with my dog and then get back to it tomorrow. My plan was to paint the dining room lilac purple for the girls like they always wanted but I haven’t got it in me today.

"Her dad teaches her to hit or if she hits him he will hit her back and he thinks that’s the way to go so think I’m partly up against a different style parenting. "

What on earth?????

He is a prince, isn’t he? Dear God. No idea about decent parenting at all.He lets his mum do the parenting in his time and swans in later.

OK, OP you are dealing with a difficult situation and it sounds like you’re doing really well, aside from the occasional tricky episode which we all have.

Perhaps don’t start painting this weekend, but you could chill on the sofa and start putting together some ideas? Or list what you need from B&Q? That way you’ve made some progress.

I’d tell your friend you’re not up to going out this weekend. She’s an idiot if she doesn’t understand. Mind you, she was an idiot to say what she said. Hopefully she’s reflected.

So for example a boy hit her in preschool he says you hit back. This was a big issue for us..

When she pinches him he would pinch her back and say you can’t hurt me and not expect me to hurt you back. An go don’t cry now come on man.

This is why I have just accepted I can’t do 50 50 even with it being his mum to help I know deep down although it’s fucking hard it’s best they don’t grow up with him as a main parent.
He left for a women twice my age because she is rich he isn’t going to be a stable place for them. He doesn’t have morals and acts like a child.

It’s really hard being a lone parent, I speak from experience of bringing up 5 children alone. One of the best things I found early on is to get support from organisations offering it like Gingerbread. Talking to others in the same boat, facing the same problems showed me that I wasn’t alone and we could all support each other. Having a group of lone parent families to meet socially was so lovely as we looked out for each other.

So the idiot is blatantly undermining your parenting style, I’m sorry but you’re going to have to lay some boundaries with him and explain that as the girls are in your care the majority of the time, what he’s teaching them is detrimental to what you’re trying to teach them and the adults of the future you can be proud of.

I don’t think you’re being sensitive about those friends they sound very immature and almost jealous. Maybe just see your main friend one on one if she can behave herself and has the emotional capacity to see that some of us are trying to deal with adult life.

I’ve been exactly where you are, my ex walked out on myself and our child a week before Christmas 21 years ago, with the exception that she stayed with him weekly.
8 months is an incredibly short amount of time to think about dating for a lot of people. You are effectively still grieving your relationship and the family life you knew, I also don’t think you sound healed from it all yet, healing is a process that takes time but you will get there.

This is the worst spot - you're looking ahead at years of relentless parenting and no time for yourself (apart from when you're knackered once they've gone to bed)

I know this. The anger will calm down, although 3 years on I still sometimes have the thoughts about what a lazy coward my ex is, and have to remind myself that the kids are kids, they don't (and can't) know what he did, but they'll understand when they are old enough.

Meanwhile, I just put my head down and work through - I figure I may as well have no life because of work and kids and put a load into pension so that once they're grown and I have some time back I'll be able to enjoy it.

OP, it's tough, I've done 14 years of it.

I think you need to be kinder to yourself. If you are expecting to bounce straight through all the issues, find a shiny new boyfriend and be all sorted by the end of the year then you need to cut yourself some slack. You're only 8 months in and you're rushing it. Healing takes time.

It's sad that your dds miss their daddy, they are bound to feel that loss but they can play up with you, because they are secure with you. They don't dare with him, because he's already left...what might he do next? So him crowing that they don't behave like that with him, actually says it all, doesn't it. Any man who prioritises tattoos and new clothes over his children is a superficial selfish knob and you are well rid of him.

I'd cut you and your dds lives back to the basics. They don't need expensive outings every day, and they don't need new clothes. They need certainty and familiar surroundings and their mum to reassure them.

Picnics in the garden and trips to the park. places that are easy to get to, familiar so you can relax, and not overly stimulating for them. Get them some cheap water pistols or bubble machines and just let them giggle.

If they are away this weekend, I'd buy a bottle of wine, I'd snooze on the sofa or in the garden. I'd not bother cooking - some cheese and olives and nice bread will do. Less tidying up too..
I'd put some music on, give myself a manicure and pedicure. I'd go to bed early with a book. Get up early tomorrow and go for a walk or a run.
Then see some old friends who are undemanding and you don't have to try too hard, or spend the day browsing autumn clothes on the web and finishing that bottle of wine.

And no-one was judging you in the supermarket - honestly - we've all been there. x

Thank you for your messages. I’m feeling really low think the summer holidays are getting to me ahha it’s fun but I’m just sad for my children and also for myself that we aren’t a family unit I feel I do everything now I worked out the percent he actually sees them is as little as 8% a month from every day. With absolutely no calls or communication with them in between. No talks about him wanting to see them more just nothing.

I applied for benefits today I’m struggling and I havent looked at the joint account for a long time as I lost my logins but as part of applying I had to write about all accounts and the joint account is where he puts money for the mortgage and for food for the girls at most. I checked it today and haven’t since February and I’m just in shock. He spent hundreds at a jewellery store the day my youngest was rushed to a&e as she had bumped her head she’s fine but was a real scare. He didn’t even msg or call to ask about her. My blood is boiling all the date night meals at seafood fancy restaurants.

this must be to rub salt in my wounds? He has his main accounts he uses so why start using the joint account? A few months back I needed his passport details as was doing my kids first passports and he said he lost it thought it was weird and I see there is a payment to a guy I’ve never heard of for stag holiday and another for euros so assuming he went away and lost his passport. Fuck knows but just lots of small transactions to people I’ve never heard of and I just feel like shit I’m here raising the kids whilst he has this new life that his mum supports him in.

Its not fair but equally I actually don’t want him to have them more does that make sense? I know him having them would be parring them off onto someone else the whole time so I don’t know I guess it’s that pesky resentment kicking in again.

I had driving lesson today and it just came out to his mum and I said could we please move on the legality’s of the house as we weren’t married etc and this is what my ex said he would do but it’s almost a year since he left and it’s not happening.

I am so depressed I can’t stop thinking about it all and just want to get off this ride. I have no one no time to date if I wanted which to be honest I don’t but I am so lonely. I’m up right now when I know I should sleep tomorrow will be another day with the girls love them to pieces but I’m struggling with being tired and stuck in a loop of not getting enough sleep.