How can I fix this?

[Calypso321]

Hi everyone, long one, sorry!

I’m really struggling with being the default parent to our DC who is 2.5. (For context, DH and I also have another DC who is 3.5, both same sex.)

It’s come to a head today, but has been an issue for a long long time. Eldest wanted a nap and I needed to get a bit of work done, so I asked my DH to take the youngest to the shops with him for a bit (not a supermarket shop, just getting some fun bits to do this afternoon).

DH agreed, but I got a text 2 mins after they left in the car saying ‘DC is having a tantrum and wants mummy, so I’m bringing him back now’ and will go to the shops on my own. I resisted and requested he just drive to shops (5 mins away) and try and distract him on the other end. DH continued to text me saying how much the crying was affecting him, and even sent me a voice note of DC crying in the car.

This is not a new situation. Youngest DC has always preferred being with me, and my husband has always been quite quick to give into the crying and tantrums. So much so that I’ve never had a night away from the kids, as husband fears the youngest wont settle for him. I am very much the default parent for the youngest.

We’ve had lots of arguments about this over the years, but I always come out of it feeling like I’m being the unreasonable one. Like I’m forcing DH to do something traumatic and really damaging his mental health. My argument has always been that it wont improve if he doesn’t push through and keep trying all the time.

So I’ve put my foot down today and told him not to come back until he’s tried taking DC out of the car and into the shop to see if the crying stops with distraction/over time. But I know when he gets back he’s going to be grumpy and annoyed that I’ve pushed this.

I’m not being unreasonable am I? Part of parenting is dealing with the tantrums and crying and pushing through? Husband says he wants me to have nights away but then his actions don’t back this up!

I guess I’m asking, how do I fix this? Do I just keep putting my foot down? I’m not being unreasonable am I?

He’s being ridiculous. What does he think lone parents do when a child is having a meltdown about something? Just take them home and dump them on the doorstep? He needs to put his big boy pants on and parent.

I have literally driven to school with a child screaming that they don’t want to put their shoes on and want to go home. Or they want to eat sweets before bed. We go to school and we put our shoes on. We brush our teeth and go to bed without sweets. Because that’s being a parent.

I’d be inclined to book yourself a weekend away. He needs to learn to cope with basic life tasks without a get out clause.

I'd say DH needs to try a little harder. Your youngest is obviously most comfortable with you but they will need to learn to be with other adults and their Dad is the best place the start!

I would wait until you are both calm (and DC) and chat about strategies, scenarios etc. DH is clearly struggling and there's no shame in that. Sounds like he needs a few parenting lessons from you in order to help you more.