Ex always late dropping DD off

[SillyCoralPombear]

Hi all,
need some advice please. Ex and I have a 6 month old daughter and while she lives with me he has regular contact. We work contact around his work schedule because he works 4 in 4 off and does 12.5 hour days and by the time he finishes she’s going to bed so not really possible for visits on his working days.
We split drop off/pick ups with no set arrangement just whoever it’s easier for that day and whenever I collect her there is never an issue but when he is meant to drop her off I always get a message saying she is asleep and will bring her back when she wakes. I wouldn’t mind if it was every now and again but every time he is dropping her off. As she is young his contact is short and frequent (few hours) during his days off and he only lives 5 minutes away so I know it’s not traffic.
while I know it’s not a massive issue but I am getting so frustrated as since she has been born I have always worked around his shifts for contact so he never has to worry about childcare etc when she is with him but when I am back at work I will have to and just wish he could respect the fact I plan everything I need to do around his contact and usually have appointments/plans after his contact.
if this was the only issue then it probably wouldn’t bother me as much but we keep having issues were we agree on something to do with DD and then he goes back on it, like putting pictures of her on Facebook we agreed when she was born that neither would do it but it only took a few weeks before he went back on this when I recently mentioned it to him and that we had already agreed he just acted like we had never spoke about it.
i just don’t know what’s the best route to take as I feel like it’s pointless speaking to him because he agrees and then goes back on things.
any advise on how best to handle this?

Also worth noting the time he is due to drop her off doesn’t fall around her nap time and whenever she is with me she is always awake at this time which is why it’s scheduled the way it is.

You give him a drop off time with 30 minutes leniency and then carry on with your day which will probably inconvenience his plans and he can drop DD off later at a time to suit you. Or if you have an appointment you need DD for you go and pick her up yourself so he isn't late

I would do that if it wasn’t for DD she’s not great being away from me for long periods of time and we are slowly increasing the time away from me so would probably just distress her more than anything.

Collect rather than wait for a drop off?

I agree if he's only 5 minutes away then pick her up.

sorry probably should of made my post more clear. I plan to drop her and pick her up as much as possible anyway but was after more advice on how to address the ongoing issue with ex for when he does pick her up and similar issues where we agree on something but he doesn’t stick to it it’s becoming an issue because he consistently does it.

I think if he isn't actually putting her in physical harm it's time to let things go and not sweat the small stuff. Doesn't sound like right now he is interested in co-parenting as if you are together so don't even if it's what you want in an ideal world, it may well develop in time but you aren't there yet. Pass on essential information, last time she ate, medication required and dosage and last time she had it etc. Alot of your concerns will also be because she's your PFB and if you had had additional children you wouldn't be so bothered about them anyway so it's keeping things in wider perspective.

I know because I've been there, DD is well into her teens and is just fine and has had contact with her dad since she was younger than yours. She's an only and when I look back to things I used to want him to do etc and thought was important in hindsight it just caused me stress and made no difference to her.

What is the plan when you return to work with contact? Will you be expected to pay for all nursery or will here contributing half, given that you don't have set days?

When I return to work we will still be working contact around his shift pattern as I am lucky and have family who can help with childcare but he doesn’t have family local.

I know it’s just so frustrating. Most things I do just let go because it’s only small issues and it’s not worth the stress or argument. I just wish he could respect the fact that with contact I always work around him and his work schedule and have to make all my plans around him and also DD’s routine which limits things massively for me on his contact days. I try to plan the majority of things for days he doesn’t see her to avoid any problems but it’s not always possible and especially when am back in work in a couple of months it’s just going to be more difficult, but I will still be working around his work schedule. We have always tried to come to agreements to avoid going the legal route but am starting to think it might be the better option and to have set days.

Difficult to judge without knowing how late. And whether he has always been a person to be late.

Does he collect or pick you? You could start doing the same to him. 'Sorry ex she's sleeping so I'll bring her over when she wakes'. If. He says he'll come and collect her then ask him if this is how he'd like you both to proceed when she's asleep and you'll be doing the same going forward. If you drop off just be late.

I also agree with a pp, if he's late dropping her off have an urgent appointment so you leave and he has to wait.

Unfortunately people like your ex won't change their ways unless it directly impacts him. He's already proved you're to run around after his schedule and he won't offer you the same courtesy. Time to put boundaries in place now before your dd gets older

'Ok well I'm going out in 10 minutes, so I'll collect her later on my way home'

DD will be fine, if she's 'fussy' he'll soon learn to bring her back on time.

Sounds like it's time for a Child Arrangements Order to be in place so there are set times and days for contact.