Feel so guilty, what else can I do?

[Humptydumptydone]

My 3 year old DS is attending preschool few days before we go away for the summer.

With the heat I'm finding even the key workers can't be bothered doing their job. I think the kids play all day, and my 3 year old comes home shattered. He doesn't eat when he's home, just screaming for no reason, won't go to the toilet and evidently is shattered, he is in bed by 6.30 and knocks out.

I know this is the heat and being over stimulated from preschool but I have no family support.

I feel bad that I can't spend my evenings with him like we usually do, family dinner, bath-time, reading.

Why is summer just shot crap now with this horrendous humidity? Kids can't just enjoy the breeze outside anymore.

Sorry I'm not sure I understand what you're getting at. Does your son normally go to preschool or is this new? What do you expect them to do there other than play?

Sorry it was a bit of a ramble I know!

My daughter went to the same preschool and they used to read together, have designated sessions where kids would sit down and listen to the key worker leading any 3 yo friendly activities.

Now however there are more children per key worker and it just seems like free play all day, until their shattered.

Yes he does attend preschool outside of the summer usually, I do find recently he is coming back shattered.

He can start F1 in the summer where there is a bit of structure, maybe that will help regulate things....

My guilt is coming from just having to take him to bed due to how tired he is. His bedtime in usually 7.30pm. This heat isn't helping at all making him feel even more tiered..

I know it will pass but I just wish I could cheer him up before he does fall asleep (knock out)

Ahh I see. It does sound like the staff are overstretched with worse ratios these days. Do the preschool have to give you a summary of what they did at the end of the day or anything like that?
It might just be the heat for your son making him tired and be very temporary. I assume he can't have a nap at the preschool?

He can but refuses them because his friends are all playing.

On weekends or days he is home he had a short nap and is less cranky in the evenings.

Not sure why tiredness is making him scream so loudly, if I was tired I'd just want to be sitting quietly 😂

Have you had a conversation with the nursery and told them that you are unhappy they are not doing their job properly, that you feel your son is playing too much and that they are not following the correct ratios?

What country are you in?

@YellowphantGrey the UK.

They are following the correct ratios, the ratios have just increased because of the new changes in funding.

I want to be sure it's not my son going through a phase, he's just turned 3 and did have a similar meltdown phase when he turned 2.

I will see how he is while he is away from preschool and then when he is back.

I will also ask preschool if they are doing more classroom style activities like they did when DD used to attend.

Thank you all

I worked in a school nursery last term. Three members of staff, and thirty six children. One member of staff was changing nappies all of the time. (Not the same person!)

That never used to be the case. You would have one or two in nappies. Now it's over half.

That leaves two adults with over thirty children. And if you are having free flow inside and outside, then you don't have time for working with a group of children.

Then if you're in the UK, the only ratios that changed were 2 year olds which can be moved from 1 to 4 to 1 to 5. Everything else stayed the same. Ratios for pre School should always be done on the youngest age in the room. If there are only 4 year olds plus in the room, then it's 1 to 8 unless there's a level 6 member of staff then it goes to 1 to 13.

I asked what country you were in as you said he can start F1 and I'm not familiar with that in England.

I'd be worried if a pre School had them sat down for structured activities. They learn through play at this age and I've seen nurseries downgraded for enforcing too much sit down learning. Even reception is very much playbased.

A good pre School will be meeting their needs and scaffolding their learning and pushing and challenging them through play.

It seems odd to me that you want them to do the exact opposite to what your child needs because you want him to stay awake for an extra hour after you've finished work to appease your guilt.

Is he meeting all his targets and progressing as he should? Are there any other issues which you've not mentioned which would make it more understandable why your annoyed with him being tired after pre School?

@YellowphantGrey

Where have I said I am annoyed with him being tired?

The days he is home is isn't as overstimulated, and less cranky before bed.

I see a difference in the setup because my daughter attendees the same preschool 5 years ago and they had more sit down activities then, maybe not sat down for long but it was a break away from the constant energy burning activity. Maybe as a boy her does part take in the more active play whereas girls perhaps would play with dolls more but I don't want the generalise.

The sit down activity my daughter experienced at preschool would be either group reading, guest speakers (from a zoo, library, etc).

I am also asking how I can help him, if there is anything I can do as his mother to make him feel less cranky on those preschool days because his sleep is much better when he sticks to his routine.

F1 is also offered for all 3 year olds (that turn 4 in the school year) it isn't available at all schools but is at my daughters school. It is classroom based, morning prayers, and they start to learn phonics etc ahead of F2.

@YellowphantGrey

Yep, meeting all targets, exceeding in physical targets so yes he is an active little boy.

No other issues with him other than toddlerhood and the odd tantrum but generally, his behaviour is fineX adores his sister, loves family time, well behaved when we travel to visit family. Does easily get tired however which is why his bedtime is 7.30 but I think that's fine for a 3 yo.

Eating etc is fine, anything I should be watching out for?

Which part of the UK are you in because I don't recognise F1 as being standard, nor F2. Phonics also shouldn't be formally taught till reception and before this if a child shows an interest.

The EYFS has changed and reissued in the last 5 years to completely do away with formal learning and instead focuses on the child's interests and activities to support their learning and to get them to meet their learning goals. Any formal learning is reserved for reception up.

You've already decided the staff can't be bothered to do their job so why keep him there if it's that bad? He's probably having a blast there and learning lots but it feels like your nit picking to appease your guilt and I've no idea why you feel guilty because he's tired after doing 3 days? It's normal and typical behaviour for him.

I really think you need to have a meeting with the pre school, especially if you genuinely think the staff can't be bothered. The pre School you describe with formal learning and guest speakers hasn't existed as such for years where I am in England. There are a couple of outside people that come in, one to do yoga and one to do music at my last nursery but otherwise the children are all extremely active, playing and out and about and going out into the community.

Not every child learns by sitting still either and especially not learn the skills they need at 3 years old.

@YellowphantGrey

F2 is reception. F1 is perhaps what used to be classed as nursery but I went to the F1 parent meeting a few weeks ago and phonics is introduced then.

They have an area where children will sit down and have more structured 'lessons' but yes most of the day is play and learn, but they have designated seats around tables. The play and learn is what is should be but I feel having some quiet time, just like we do at home, is also needed.

I have asked for a meeting with preschool staff to see how that will compare from September onwards and decide what's best for my son. As a another response mentioned, preschool staff are overstretched. He enjoys it there recently returning home shattered. I don't have any family support so can't just take him out.

Again, my question was how I can help him once home.

Thank you everyone for your responses.

So which parts of the UK use F1 and F2?

And when he gets home, why not give him quiet time and early bed if that's what he needs? He doesn't have to stay up and get overtired does he?

I still find it odd that you want him sat down and sedate to keep him up for an extra hour so you don't feel guilty

OP, my ds used to get like that when it was hot. I'd adapt the evening routine, to:

cool bath,
Pop him in PJ shorts/ nappy.
A bottle or cup of milk if he wants it.
Open the bedroom windows, close the curtains so it's cool
Climb on the bed with him, and read a story.
Let him fall asleep with me there

He won't starve overnight while it's so warm. Make sure he has a good breakfast instead.

It sounds like a shit preschool.

DD has been to 2 different preschool settings as we moved house and she’s had 22 months in preschool in total (Sept born so 3 to almost 5) one was big, one was small but they both do phonics, reading, writing, maths and sitting down activities.

It may have been hot but even this week DD has been doing various projects based on the Olympics as well as free play. She leaves imminently for school (EYFS it’s called at ours).

They absolutely don’t just do free play all day although it is all play based.

Thank you. This is exactly what I'm doing.

He did wake up in the middle of the night last night due to his earlier sleep time but managed to settle him after a drink of water and some more midnight reading.

The heat is definitely getting to him. He had a calmer day at home today so feeling less guilty, thank you.

@YellowphantGrey please see this response, this is what I mean.

@Cobblersorchard thank you for your response, I am speaking to preschool next week and look like it is time to move onto F1 if they continue to be this overstretched.

I have family all over the UK and they know what F1 is.

Based on other responses you obviously are outdated in your knowledge.

I don't want my son to be sedate I want him to be himself. If he sleep earlier then his routine is out the window, which it was last night but thankfully today has been calmer for him.

The preschool was amazing for my daughter when groups were smaller so yes something I will look into for September.

I work in pre school but not UK so it may be different, but our governing body has been talking for a long time about more free play, more child led activities, less intervention. We had a Department rep visit last year and on their specific recommendations our structured time has been scrapped except art and carpet time. We used to have table top time which was a Montessori style fine motor and sensory time, with a loose interpretation of Montessori in that they were allowed share items and chat etc. We occasionally had construction play time too, or a group game or activity but apparently that's not the experts recommendations anymore. Personally I'm not keen as some kids need structure and more adult led learning. I'd talk to your nursery about any curriculum or guideline changes.

I'm not outdated. 5 nurseries, all rated outstanding, the latest being just 3 weeks ago proves I'm not outdated.

I also go into struggling nurseries and bring them upto scratch. 6 of these over the last 3 years have also reached outstanding.

But clearly, you know better than me so I will leave you to it.

Agreed and will do thank you.