What do I do?

[Mummaof3babies]

I have a 8 year old son who is out of control.
the past year it is just getting worse and worse. He has absolutely no respect for anyone. He has been smacking his little sister and calling her horrible names like fat, ugly, rat, lesbian and he wishes she was dead. He has been swearing when out with his friends and stealing from the local shop. I am absolutely disgusted because I don’t want my daughter to grow up with low self esteem because of the disgusting things he calls her, I absolutely hate hearing children swear and I’m so embarrassed he has been stealing from the local shop which I go in nearly every day. He back chats me and his dad all the time and slams doors and shouts when he doesn’t get his own way. We have taken his Xbox away and grounded him and had long talks about his behaviour but nothing ever changes. I am certainly not letting him go out with his friends anymore after hearing he has been stealing. Any suggestions on what to do? He just dose t care about anyone or anything anymore. It makes me so sad because he used to be such a sweet, caring little boy.

When did the change occurr? How is he in school and is his father his biological father?
Sounds like you need to find him professional help immediately.

Agree. If the change is out of the blue it will have been caused by something. Is he being bullied? Could he be unwell? Has he got into a bad crowd?

All behaviour is communication. He’s showing that something has changed. He’s distressed in some way. Find out what’s going on in school. Does he behave in school and/or for other adults when you’re not there? I would be taking him to see a counsellor asap.

He was having issues in class with not listening to his teacher and being rude and I was getting weekly phone calls for updates on his behaviour but he got a new teacher before the holidays started and his behaviour in class improved. I do get calls about him fighting at lunch time still. He does not see his biological father as he was very abusive and violent to me and my son, I am going through court cases regarding contact at the moment and have been for the last 4 years. His step dad that lives with us is amazing with him and is the best dad ever and my son adores him. He is getting counselling at school at the moment. He has been struggling with bullies recently so I understand he will be emotional and I’ve done everything I can to help him. He does not behave when he stays with other family members, he says nasty things about me and I just don’t understand why, I’m the person that does absolutely everything for him and always sticks up for him and chats with him about his feelings etc

This is starting to make more sense now. He’s traumatised. He’s been through a huge amount of trauma, fear and unrest for a child his age. He’s only now able to start letting it all out. He needs to be in trauma informed counselling specifically for children. I know you said he was getting counselling at school and that’s great but I would be looking to get him some additional support too. It might be useful for you to do some reading on how trauma affects children and how to manage challenging behaviours caused by it. You might need some counselling yourself if you haven’t had any. Please be patient with your boy. He’s crying out for love and safety. I’m not implying that you’re not providing that but you need to remember, he’s only 8, he’s witnessed things that have traumatised him and he doesn’t know how to process it and communicate in a healthy way yet. It will take time but just keep loving him, even when he’s being, “bad”. First, stop labelling him and stop allowing people to label him as bad. He’s not bad, he’s a frightened little boy. Second, don’t punish him when he acts up. Instead, sit him down and tell him you love him and you can see he is feeling sad and you would like to help him feel better. Hug him often. Praise his desirable behaviour. Be very gentle with him. Talk about feelings. Talk about how it’s ok to be scared, frightened, angry, sad, happy. Get a laminated feelings chart and get him to tick how he’s feeling when he lashes out. Talk to him about how it makes you feel very sad when he says mean things to you and about you. I know it’s really hard but with a lot of care and patience, you’ll get through this together.