I'm the bad mom

[carpetpuller]

I've bought up four wonderful dc. Elder 3 all adults now and live independently. I have good relationships with them all. Close loving family. My youngest is mid teens. Great kid. But going through the usual teenage difficulties atm.

I am currently in the middle of a battle with youngest. Shes pushing boundaries. Anyway she's suddenly threw a load of accusations at me because she's angry. I'm apparently controlling, I've failed her, bad mother, and when something really awful occurred the reaction I had wasn't acceptable and I didn't support her. In fact I shouted at her and sent her away. This is not true at all.

It's hit me very hard. And the reason being is that ive had this from two of my other children around the same age frame. Im starting to really doubt myself. Im questioning my ability to be a good parent. Or is this just something teens do when they don't get their own way?.

I think the reason I feel so broken down by it all is the fact my own childhood was truly awful. I was in and out of care and suffered every kind of abuse along the way. My mother didn't care about me. I've had years and years of therapy to recover from the scars of my childhood. So when I hear myself being described by my own child as a crap mom then it really hurts.

Have other peoples teens done this to them?

Sit down with your daughter when she’s not angry and ask to speak to her about what she said. Ask her if she really believed the things she said and get her to explain why she feels that way so you can be a more supportive parent. Try to really listen to her. If you feel the issues are not just teenage angst, consider going to family counselling if you can afford it. Also, speak to your older children separately. Ask them about their honest feelings about their upbringing and explain to them you want to know so you can be more self aware and more supportive. Communication is key. Try to be calm and approach it with love.

sounds like you have done an amazing job turning your life around. And sounds like you are the best mother you can be, which is all any of us can be. Your daughter needs to give her head a wobble

If you can afford it, it might be helpful to have some therapy. It can help you with perspective to understand yourself and your family system with all your children better.

There might be some things you can accept have upset her and apologise for, which could be quite powerful. It could be that she's being totally unreasonable and a hormonal teen. Unpacking it all at length and in detail with someone neutral can really help, especially with reference to your own childhood.

Teenagers (especially girls) lash out. I was utterly awful to my Mum at that age (granted she was a pretty terrible Mum).

You sound like you've done your best. That's all we can do. We're never going to be perfect all the time.