How do you keep your calm?

[mama678910]

First time mom with a toddler (18 months). I feel like I'm really struggling to keep myself calm when toddler throws tantrums. It makes situation worse because I know he picks up my stress and then cries endlessly, throws himself on the floor and just is unmanageable for me.

I'm really struggling to keep myself calm and just want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry.

My partner is more chillaxed about it but I'm just completely at a loss and feel overwhelmed with anxiety, stress and just feel like I can't handle the tantrums.

I read something somewhere that said whenever you feel annoyed / angry etc at your child, LOOK AT THEIR HANDS.

Look at how little they are and let it be a reminder of how little your child is.

They're not doing it on purpose.

It's bloody hard work I know!

I have on repeat in my head “be their safe harbour in their storm” they are learning to emotionally regulate, they will master it quicker if you role model it. Deep breaths. There are mirror neurons in the brain that pick up on what others are feeling, you need to be calm so your child can feel that calm (instead of the other way round, you mirroring their distress). It’s bloody hard work, and a skill - it takes practice, practice, practice.

I once read on here a suggestion to imagine you're being filmed for TV. It really worked for me - if I could watch myself back later, how would I want to have reacted? Would I be ashamed or content with my behaviour? It's such a silly idea, but for some reason did the trick for me!

That's a good one thank you!

Deep breaths, leave the room as long as they are safe, start meditation practices so you can calm yourself. Imagining you are being filmed is a good that I will also try. It’s not easy!

I'll repeat the above advice of "looking at their hands". See how small they are. Firstly it causes you to pause and take a breath instead of exploding, secondly think how, if those hands are so small, the rest is also small - the brain, the neurons, the emotions. They are physiologically incapable of self regulating. Shouting at them to stop won't help - they can't just stop. They need you to mirror the way to calm down.

Also another tip I saw somewhere online - imagine you're 80 years old, your children are grown and you have been given a time machine. You have been allowed to go back in time for one day and one day only to when you child was small. This is that day. This is the only time you'll see them this small again and tomorrow you're back to being 80.

That last one works for me (usually makes me want to sob as well 😭)

It’s really tough when tantrums push you to your limits. It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed—parenting is hard work! Try to take deep breaths and remind yourself that tantrums are a phase and not a reflection of your parenting. If possible, take short breaks to regroup, even if it’s just a few minutes in the bathroom. It might help to discuss strategies with your partner to find a calm approach together. You're doing your best, and seeking support or talking to a professional might also be beneficial.

Too many years of experience !!
I so regret angry shouting. That never made anything better.
Staying calm & parking my emotions somewhere else turned out to be my happiest path forward, but had to learn the hard way.

Incredibly useful with teenagers to make sure you don't let them rile you.

I used to find it helped to remember that tantrums are totally developmentally normal. I’d say to myself things like ‘They’re doing exactly what they’re supposed to be doing’.

I find it much, much harder now they’re a bit older - 6 and 8.

Also worth remembering it isn't personal, I mean yes you're the person saying no to something sometimes, but often it's just because they can't express themselves and big emotions are hard to deal with.

All the brain power, but without the ability to explain yourself. So yes they're going nuts but it's not at you really. Remembering this gave me the mental space to just breathe and accept. If you can sit quietly alongside this can help, keeping your energy low, bringing it up to match theirs never ends well! (Been there got the T-shirt, wished I'd figured some of this out earlier in the toddler years).
If they can cope they will but most of the time they just can't and it isn't intentional.

I use to put a silly voice on. It's hard to get angry when you are using a silly voice!

In the long term you are getting angry because you feel overwhelmed (not unlike the toddler) you need to learn to feel comfortable with uncomfortable feelings. Meditation really helps

This, because I was raised in a very religious household I grew up feeling constantly watched anyway. Plus the household was shouty it was like any communication had to be yelled to be heard or get your point across. As a child cowering from that I didn't want the same for my own children.

Pushing boundaries (toddlerhood) is completely normal, distraction and engagement were what I aimed for and a calm voice/tone to it all. So they are yelling and you are calm. If you respond with yelling it shows this is how we communicate.

Give words to their feelings, I can see you are frustrated because you want to stand on the windowsill and try to offer an alternative to see outside or no to playing with the remote control but buy them one they can play with.

Also you cannot always make your child happy otherwise they would eat chocolate for breakfast and destroy the house

You could try the 5 to 1 technique. You divert your attention when you feel stressed and overwhelmed to other things to trick the brain into calming down. First, sit and take a couple of deep breaths. Then look around and note 5 things you can see, notice all the detail about them. Then notice 4 sounds you can hear. Listen to each for a moment. Then notice 3 things you can smell. Notice the difference in each aroma. Then 2 things you can touch. Notice the different textures, soft, smooth, bobbly, rough, etc. And finally 1 thing you can taste. You might not need to do the taste one as you’ll have calmed down by then and it’s not always practical. Obviously, make sure DC is safe and secure before you do this. Or even use it to distract them and teach them how to calm themselves down. Do it together. Often using distraction techniques works for adults and children alike.