Friend shouted at DD

[momtoone]

Would you bother speaking to your friend about this?

My friend shouted at my DD 2 weeks ago and it has been really bothering me ever since. I thought I was overreacting and would forget about it but I can't stop thinking about it

At my friend?s house for dinner DD, 4 nearly 5, knocked over her cup of juice, my friend immediately shouted at her to pick the cup up IMMEDIATELY YOU SHOULD PICK UP A CUP IMMEDIATELY IF YOU KNOCK IT OVER etc in a nasty tone of voice. As far as I saw it DD had only that instant knocked over the cup and hadn?t had a chance to pick it up before she was shouted at. That was it, it was all over and friend got a cloth to wipe up the mess and everyone at the table acted like nothing had been said, including me much to my later regret. I didn?t immediately feel angry ? I am so used to her being snappy with her own family that I almost forgot this was my family ?later on I started getting mad. There have been a couple of occasions previously when she has snapped at my DD, which I have mentally made a note of but haven?t bothered me so much. Although I do sometimes shout (unreasonably at times) at DD I would never shout over accidents like this. DD is an average 4 year old, no excessive bad behaviour. DD went quiet for a while but she never mentioned it later, didn't appear particularly upset. Not really sure what bothers me ? whether I am put out that she shouted at her for such a petty incident or that she shouldn?t be castigating my DD. It wasn't as if I had a chance to say or do something before DD was shouted at.

This friend has been a really good friend to us in the past thru hard times - in many ways she?s like family to us, we are good friends and I wouldn?t want to fall out. However she?s quite short tempered and dismissive with her family (including her DH) and I don't want her going down this path with DD.

Also DH and I are in process of writing our wills and were about to name her as the guardian , ok it is unlikely touch wood that she will fulfil the role of guardian but it has put me in 2 minds about it

What do you think - Am I being too precious about this? Would you just let it pass or would you say something so it doesn't happen again.

No, I wouldn't be happy about this either, especially if it's happened on more than one occasion. A one off in a family member under stress would be one thing, but I would expect that person to realise they've over reacted and apologise. I would never shout at my ds for spilling something, accidents happen. Deffo wouldn't want her as guardian. I guess it's a balance of how good a friend she has been, and just how much her dismissive (not really sure what you meant there) behaviour bothers you. hth.

thx cubby, when I say dismissive I mean she decides what's right -even with her DH - and dismisses other people's opinions quite offhand sometimes. (She doesn't do it to me as I didn't accept this from the start of our friendship.) OTOH she is someone I would always turn to if I had problems.

given the fact that she is a good friend and you dont want to upset her i think that you have left it to long now to say anything, so proberly wont remember what she said 2 weeks ago anyway.

perhaps wait till she says (even the smallest thing) out of turn next time and mention that you would rather deal with it yourself.

i had this happen before when my dd was at a friends house and all our children had been jumping on the sofa while we were in the kitchen, she singled out my dd to shout at and never said anything to her own. had i been given the chance i would have sorted it out myself, not in the same way as her though. her way involved bending down and shouting at my dd through gritted teeth.

Errrmm...
speaking as someone who has quite often forgotten which kids were mine in the general melee and ranted at the whole lot, I'd say it shows she does think of yours as 'family'. In a weird way, it may be sort of a compliment.

It does sound like an overreaction to a mere spill, but maybe she has an inveterate spiller of her own and reacted to yet another spill rather than to the spiller?

what PussinWellies said

and let me open you a fresh can of harden-the-F-up, in the nicest possible way, of course.

Agree better react on the spot.
Tell her to chill and get a grip she's making everybody jittery and uncomfortable over a simple accident. Make it sound very casual, a joke.

Likely she will not take it well if she's the hyper type. You can follow it up with a discussion at a more suitable opportunity (say just the 2 of you over a glass of wine)

Telling her now out of the blue will just make it a bigger issue.

I have a friend like that, Always snapping at her kids and DH.
She never snapped at us though.
I have often told her that she's just pushing them away and even calling for bad behaviour as a way of rebelling.
After about 3 years, it just about seems to hit home!

Maybe you feel like this because you really wanted her to be the person your children went to if something happened to you and now you feel that can't happen and that's why you're upset? Think of someone else to have your dc's and see if that eases how you feel about it?

Great post PussinWellies, that makes sense.
interesting, suzywong.

Well that's another perspective, makes sense.

But if it's still nagging you after 2 weeks, just say something casually next time.

Great thx everyone, It is a bit more complicated than my OP says (without going into details) but I think I'll leave it for now, as some of you say, and probably make a casual comment next time it happens.

I had exactly this situation a while ago.

Like your friend, this friend of mine frequently shouted/snapped at her own DCs in ways that I thought were OTT/overreacting, dismissive of her DH etc. And although we all lose our temper from time to time this just seemed to be her normal mode of operating if you know what I mean - EVERY incident big or small was reacted to by shouting and sometimes full on screaming even in front of other people. Her poor kids just thought it was totally normal.

Then on one occassion my DD did something minor (can't even remember what now) and this friend screamed at her. I remember being really taken aback at the time but didn't say anything straight away - I didn't really know what to say! It was still bothering me when about a week later she started telling me a story about how she shouted at a friend's child at her house. Now, this other child was indeed being pretty horrible but a)his own parents were there to discipline him b)he was only about 2 at the time and c)she deliberately waited until the other parents couldn't hear her before she told him off. AT that point I told her that actually I was pretty shocked at this story. I told her that while I felt it was ok to stop another child from actually causing harm/damage etc it was really up to the child's own parents to discipline them and also that although of course I do sometimes 'lose it' and shout at my own kids I am MUCH more careful about how I speak to other people's kids and feel it is totally inappropriate to shout at someone else's children.

Not sure if that's any help to you and I don't really know how you can now bring it up after the fact. But if it's bothering you then you should definitely find a way to mention it.