What age could your DC do the following?

[Sprogonthetyne]

Play upstairs/ in a different part of the house without supervision

Play in the garden without supervision

Wait in car while you drop off sibling (at door, within sight)

Wait in car while you collect sibling (going inside for 2-3 minutes, while they get shoes / bag)

Get own drink or snack

Dress fully independently (including choosing weather appropriate cloths, getting everything out, putting dirty stuff in wash)

I know that my DC is behind, but trying to get an idea of how behind. They can do some of the above, but most is either very recent or still hit and miss.

if you know “behind”

why do this to yourself

They have SEN, but at a level where they are likely to reach typically levels of independence. They'll probably get there later then peers, and need suport to reach different milestones. I'm trying to work out what to work on in what order and when.

there’s no prescribed order whatsoever

follow his lead re what you think he is capable of

a bit of trial and error

but very personalised to your son and no one else

For independent play 4 years old or so though was a bungalow so not quite the same.

Garden not until we moved (age 7&5) due to location

Dropping off by car not applicable because I didn't drive.

Could fetch snacks around 4 or so, mess however an issue

One could dress at 3, the other more like 6 (as asd)

Play in another part of the house... 2ish.
Garden... similar, unless the pool was out. Secure garden.
Car alone... depends where.... and what sort of car seat they were in! Plus your car... manual handbrake is different to electric one one that can't be disengaged while engine off.
Drink snack... 2ish for snack, 5ish for reaching the tap
Dressing themselves... 3ish, closing good clothes... 5/6? Dirty clothes in wash... still waiting for that!!

However we set up our house to make some of this stuff possible.

That is true, but his skill building tends to need a lot of scaffolding, which is then gradually removed. This means that skills other kids might just pick up naturally or try out when needed, have to be more planned out.

If I fully followed his lead, he'd never do much as he likes been looked after, but I'm pretty sure he is capable of doing more then he currently is. In honesty, I've probably not been as on the ball as I should have. I've been in survival mode for years and just doing the thing is often easier then the learning process, but isn't going to produce an independent adult at the end. I'm trying to remedy that.

Play upstairs/ in a different part of the house without supervision - age 3 (checked every 20 minutes)

Play in the garden without supervision -age 3 (checked every 15)

Wait in car while you drop off sibling (at door, within sight) I don’t drive

Wait in car while you collect sibling (going inside for 2-3 minutes, while they get shoes / bag) As above

Get own drink or snack. - 5 for a drink. They have to ask for snacks.

Dress fully independently (including choosing weather appropriate cloths, getting everything out, putting dirty stuff in wash) Age 5 for mostly weather appropriate. 3 for choosing, dressing and laundry.

Around 4 years old apart from getting snacks himself

DD is almost 5 and can do most of these. She sometimes chooses the wrong sort of clothes for the weather if I don’t prompt. She also can’t quite reach the fridge so some snacks and drinks are out of reach. I think she will do all of them by 6.

She’s also an only child so I wouldn’t need to leave her in the car to drop off a sibling. I can leave her to pop in a small shop though (eg local village shop where you park right outside).

My DC has some physical difficulties.

Playing out of sight 2-3.
Getting dressed and putting clothes in laundry, 2-3, but was always v interested in clothes. I probably bought easier fastenings when younger.
Weather appropriate - around 3, went downhill again in teenage years, ditto laundry.
Don’t know about car thing as didn’t apply, but prob would have struggled to open a car door until about 8 or so.
Getting drink and snack - still struggles to open some bottles, cans, jars, packets etc as a teen, though we have some devices from OT that help. I would say pouring from a larger full bottle was dodgy until at least secondary age. Still can’t turn on the hob independently, so when cooking just uses the oven, microwave and air fryer.
Getting water from the tap, around age 5 or so. But couldn’t turn the shower on or off until about 12 or so, so it depends on the tap. Was making hot drinks with the kettle around 11 or 12, but made sure not to fill it too full.

So a random selection of ages, but we just work round it and it’s not a big deal, we’ve been making adjustments for so many years.

Play upstairs/ in a different part of the house without supervision: in the playroom (so childproof) whilst I was on the same floor, around 2yo although DD2 was younger (second child syndrome plus an older DC who would happily 'tell' on her sister!). On a different floor at about 3yo.

Play in the garden without supervision: this is going to totally depend on your garden. Ours is fully fenced and childproofed as much as possible. If the paddling pool (mid-thigh on an adult these days) is out, I still lurk doing jobs in rooms that look out into the garden at 10 & 8yo. Without a giant drowning risk set up, they have been out there unsupervised from around 3yo.

Wait in car while you drop off sibling (at door, within sight): From birth.

Wait in car while you collect sibling (going inside for 2-3 minutes, while they get shoes / bag): From birth.

Get own drink or snack: 3yo to get a glass of water or piece of fruit. 4yo to make cereal or toast, or make a glass of squash (although the latter was an occasional treat).

Dress fully independently (including choosing weather appropriate cloths, getting everything out, putting dirty stuff in wash): 2yo, although they were painfully slow! Especially the socks... It was worth persevering rather than just taking over for speed though as they were pros by the time they started school.

Thanks for the replies, based on the answers so far it seems like he's around the level of most 4yo's, at age 7 (nearly 8). That's roughly what I thought, and inclined with other things like play styles and social skills.

Play upstairs/ in a different part of the house without supervision
&
Play in the garden without supervision

• I'd need to be there initially, then can nip away for 5 minutes max.

Wait in car while you drop off sibling (at door, within sight)

• did for the first time today, was asking more about when you trust them to stay put & not touch controls or panic, not when their safe if contained in seats.

Wait in car while you collect sibling (going inside for 2-3 minutes, while they get shoes / bag)

• didn't feel ready for this one

Get own drink or snack

• not really there yet

Dress fully independently (including choosing weather appropriate cloths, getting everything out, putting dirty stuff in wash)

• would be overwhelmed by "go get dressed", but could do each step if I brake it down (eg. Get some pants from that draw, they go on first, now get some trousers...)

I have a 9 to and like yours, will get there, but just slower.

Playing upstairs. He will go off and read happily, and will go off upstairs and do crafts etc, prob from 7ish. BUT he cannot be trusted to tidy up without being told and "tidy up" is too broad for him.

Wait in car. He's quite risk averse so probably would have felt ok from 6ish if we were both within sight. Going inside. I still wouldn't do this.

Get own drink / snack. His little brothers are massively self sufficient but it's really only on the last year he's done this and not without prompting or panic (on his side).

Dress fully independently. Ha. If I told him to bring his whole uniform down, he wouldn't get it all. If I tell him to get dressed,he struggles. He has to be talked through it and he does it with my support

Most of those my DD started doing at 7 besides the waiting in the car. Even now she's 8 she won't wait in the car for even a few seconds, she'll unbelt and come with me.
my youngest is nearly 5 and they're company for each other so they'll play upstairs together, 8 year old will on her own too but nearly 5 yr old wouldn't on her own, she wants company.

I'd say a lot of these depend on the parent as opposed to the child.

My kids could have probably played upstairs / in the garden unsupervised from around age 2 but I wouldn't have been comfortable with that.

Also depends on layout of your house / garden etc.

Also, they are all different, don't stress and don't compare.

A lot of this depends on your set up OP rather than the child. Our back garden has a side gate entry so I wouldn’t feel comfortable having a shower, for example, while DC are alone in the garden regardless of age as someone could easily get in.

And our car alarm goes off if anyone inside moves a muscle, if locked, so again I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving them in an unlocked car because anyone could grab them.

My DC also have differences (neurodivergence).

I agree newleafontheplantjohn - it's more based on the parent, split between how the house has been laid out, how relaxed/anxious they are about being away from or trusting the child (both in the opportunities DCs have to be independent and the emotions DCs pick up from and mirror from their parents), priorities, and how much time the parents are both willing and able to spend teaching the skills.
Mine managed these skills early when judged against PPs here (although friends' DCs were doing similar at the time, so I'm surprised by this), but personal circumstances meant I wasn't working much during those early years. I had the time and capacity to teach them plus, to me (others will have different priorities), one of the most important skills to teach is independence. Their timeline of skill acquisition would probably look very different if I had been working FT or prized a different characteristic more highly.
He'll get there eventually OP, but if it is something you are noticing as an issue right now then you can probably solve it fairly quickly with a heavy investment of time. You need to wear it in your expectations of him though IME, rather than just guiding them through the steps

Play upstairs/ in a different part of the house without supervision - DD is 2y3m and will play in a different downstairs room for maybe half an hour. Wouldn’t let her upstairs as paranoid she’ll fall down the stairs.

Play in the garden without supervision 2ish

Wait in car while you drop off sibling (at door, within sight) From birth

Wait in car while you collect sibling (going inside for 2-3 minutes, while they get shoes / bag) age 4 maybe? Forgotten when my older kids first did that!

Get own drink or snack DS9 & DS6 have just started doing this, think we’ve pandered to them though! DD age 2 loves pouring her own drink and helping herself to ice pops.

Dress fully independently (including choosing weather appropriate cloths, getting everything out, putting dirty stuff in wash) Yet to be seen (see ages above!! To be fair they both probably CAN but lazy!)