inappropriate (sexual??) behaviour in my 7 year old

[mulranno]

I am at the end of my tether my 7 year ols has always been a very tactile child ...loves being stroked to sleep etc...it was always more than our other children and he was deecribed by a friend of ours as a "sensulist"... he is always getting hos bottom and willy out to show...no matter how many times I tell him not too...he is always grabbing his brothers bits as a "game"....in the bath he always seems to have his backside in the air...this he does in from of adults...he is quite giddy and this behaviour is all part of his hyper stuff......but it is now driving me mad and things have got worse...yesterday my daughter told me that he put his willy in the babys mouth and today I walked in to room where he was "sucking her bottom"....I just went bonkers and got realy really angry with him...we have had weeks/months of the keep you private parts private and leave others privates alone...getting know where...this is all "fun" to him...he has no conception of the implication of his actions...all incidents with the baby were in public (ie with other children around)...is this abuse?...is he deviant?..how do I sort this out??

Do you think you have made too big a deal out of it previously and he is now behaving like this for attention?

If it makes you feel any better my 7 year old son is EXTREMELY proud of his tackle and will whip it out in most occasions. I have threatened to tie a bow round it...that stopped him pretty quick.

The willy in the babys mouth sounds a little odd, could he have just got really hyper and been showing off? How sexual can a 7 year old be, are they even aware of that stuff yet?

it sounds like it is attention seeking behaviour to me. perhaps you could have a quiet word with him before you go out, about what your expectations are of him and he could have a treat if he manages to keep his bits in his pants!

could be cornsilk... my ds's haven't gone as far as this but they are always waving their willies and bottoms around. No I don't think he's deviant but I can totally understand why you are worried. Hopefully someone with experience will be along in a sec....

Sorry I have no advice for you but wanted to bump it for you until some wise mners come along.

when you say baby.. do you mean a doll or a real baby?

I also don't have any experience here but didn't want to read and run as can feel your anxiety in your post. Am sure you will get some good advise here, there is always someone in the same boat or with similar experiences.

They don't see their body parts as sexual at this age, a willy is something funny because we are constantly telling them that it is something to be hidden. This makes it funny and exciting, in the mind of a 7 year old. My ds was sent home from school for asking someone if he wanted him to kiss his bum. He was being silly because he wanted to make the other boy laugh. I think they key is to make his bits like an arm or a leg; insignificant. He wouldn't laugh if someone waved their leg around would he? They are just body parts, if a kid is told to hide them then this turns the willy into something mysterious, funny and naughty. Putting it in a baby's mouth is wholly inappropriate though. At this age it is very doubtful that he intended this in a sexual way. He was more likely looking for a rection. He sounds like a child that wants to shock you, he likes this attention. He has not yet learned the difference between good and bad attention though and he needs some help with this before he gets into a lot of trouble. My ds was a bit of a shocker, the bum talk he grew out of, I was recommended a social skills book my another mnetter, it's called the unwritten rules of friendship. There is a chapter on how to help children that like to shock people, they call them the different drummer. I think you should give this a try.

No direct experience, but have you tried the rewards/consequences method that you normally use for other undesirable behaviours (ie try to stop making this into a terryfying sexual problem and deal with it as though it were any other undesirable behaviour). Because what he is doing isn't bad it's just a bit inappropriate and it would be a shame to give him a complex about it. Make him a star chart for keeping his pants on, for instance.

I would say that all the behaviour was relatively normal for what you describe as a "tactile" "touchy feely" child - some are just like that-
Although I agree that the willy in the baby's mouth was stepping across a line somewhat, a boundary that he should be aware of by the age of 7. Did he seem to realise this was wrong when you told him off?

My 7 year old is very similar, he loves to be stroked (his head, face, legs etc) and constantly asks people to massage his head and he also shows some of the sexual behaviour you describe. He'll be talking to you and then he'll just pull his willy out and stand there holding it etc, it really annoys me. He's constantly trying to touch his brothers bum and willy, always tries to spy on people getting dressed and always tries to touch people's private parts if he thinks he can get away with it.
TBH this thread has come as a relief to me to know that he's not the only one, the behaviour really worries me.

thank god other 7 year old boys are like this, mine is calming down now though but have had a mother pull me up once at the school.
don't know about the baby thing though? Hope you get some advice.

I have been pulled up by other parents too, my DS got behind another kid on the ground and told him they were having sex. Obviously this did have to be investigated and it turns out his dads girfriends 10 year old son had done it to him for a laugh (pretended obviously) and so he was just copying it not full realising what it meant.

avenanap...can you remember the book ..think it would help...thanks for your comments...we are a very open family children always jump in and join either my husband or myself in the bath...nudity is fine...its the showing off, pestering others that bothers me...the others including my 10 year old is happy to share a bath and walk around naked...but the willy in the mouth of the baby and sucking her bottom just really shocked me...I agree he is being a pain in the arse wrt disciple at the moment and think that this may be just part of it and not necessarily sexual..but sometimes it just seems that he cant help himself and has no boundaries....the showing off getting his bits out we have being trying to tackle...but he just gets over excited and thinks that a moony up against the patio doors is whats called for?...but the other 2 incidents have just gone too far for me and left me actually quite horrified if I am honest

mulranno, have been thinking about this all morning because I can tell you're worried I guess...
Please don't think he's not "normal" I'm sure he is... as a sensual child he knows that touching his willy is nice, of course it is, it's more teaching him when it's appropriate.
If I was in your shoes I'd probably
1/ talk to him about what is appropriate behaviour then if he waves his willy around at the wrong time, completely ignore him, walk away, no laughing etc etc
2/reward him with loads of cuddles and a star chart when he manages to keep his pants on.
3/ probably not put him in the way of temptation with other dc's at the moment until he has more understanding
I think the chances of him actually putting his willy in the babys mouth are slim, he probably waved it in her face.
Is he a young 7? as in a bit immature? he's still very young himself.

The book's called the Unwritten Rules of Friendship. It's more of a social skills book rather than a how to make friends book. Have you tried the guilt thing? " I'm really ashamed of how you have behaved, It's really upset me...."?
The book's very good though, it's about £8 from Amazon.

I think you need to ignore stuff like mooneying at the patio doors (how did you not laugh?) Just walk off as if its the most boring thing you've ever seen.

I agree with madamez, its not sexual behaviour as such just undesirable, and that can be tackled as such, with expectations and rewards.

Thanks for your feedback...mooning through the patio doors...that time I did not laugh as I had just told him off for getting his bits out...and he ran outside and mooned at me...so saw this as quite defiant/disrespectful. However on other occassion they often run around the garden in rainstorms naked and roll around in the mud...which they love ...the last time they did this they looked like oompa-loompas and they all came and widdgled their muddy bums against the patio doors just as a parent came to collect their child (who fortunately for me was too reserved to join in)...we had another incident where friends were round to play - 4 boys disappeared into next doors garden to use trampoline - when I went to get them they were all bouncing about naked (it was freezing..it was feb)...of course pant of the "tricky" one were high up on the branch of a nearby tree - irretrieable (sp?) where they remain to this day