Helping DD adjust to sibling

[Flopsy145]

I have 3.5 year old DD and a DS who is almost 2 weeks old. My DD is incredibly switched on, doesn't miss anything, very chatty and a great communicator. We have always been very close, she's very much a mummy's girl, and she was so excited about having a brother. She loves babies and has been so gentle with any baby we know, so a bit naively of me I didn't anticipate her reaction. Since DS has been born it's almost like her personality has entirely changed, I suppose my hormones aren't helping with my perspective either, but she's acting up mainly with me and just ignoring everything I'm asking her to do. She's very heavy handed with the baby, all from a place of love I think, but I'm finding it quite stressful the constant touching of face and soft spot, treating him like a doll really. I just feel really bad like all I'm saying is "gentle please, not his face, stop now" etc. And then on the flip side she loves helping with nappies and picking his outfit etc so I'm trying to involve her as much as possible with that and heavily praise when she is being gentle.
My DH has been amazing and he'll always step in and she listens to him, but there are times when he's at work and it's just me and the kids and he comes home and I'm in tears.

I just didn't expect the toddler to be the hard part of the newborn phase and I'm feeling serious mum guilt that I've ruined our relationship. I'm trying to keep routine similar, still doing most bath and all bed times with her, but DS is breastfed so sometimes I'm doing this while feeding him. Keeping her with my mum on their day together, and nursery the same too. If we're out and about she's lush, but it's when we're in the house that she seems to struggle. She's high energy so getting bored I think, but with having a c section ive only just started to be able to take her out on the buggy board for walks.

Sorry I feel like I ended up just absolutely dumping on this post, but any advice to get her to feel more settled and adjusted would be greatly appreciated 😭

I know in time I'll forget all about this and they'll be (hopefully) happily playing together but right now I'm struggling

You haven't ruined your relationship at all, please don't worry about that.

At 3.5 she just needs a little time to adjust.

Congratulations on your new LO

i can assure you that when they get to 26 and 22 they will be inseperable... i was in the exact situation. my 4 year old despised her baby sister! it was a nightmare.. it took her years, and i mean years to forgive me for making her a big sister (spoilt little madam she was), but with positive handling, boundaries and fairness etc .. i think by 11 my oldest had got over herself.

wait til she starts taking babies dummy, or even pulling baby out of the pram so she can use it!

It'll sort itself out and be fine

Mine are 18 months apart

When it was 7pm I'd stick baby DD in her room screaming or otherwise to read DS his bedtime story as per normal

As it turns out DD after 3 days or so fell asleep of her own accord and had a brilliant sleep routine

I figured baby DD wouldn't remember but DS would if I'd fuss over DD unnecessarily and push him to the side

I gave up breast feeding DD after 3 weeks it was just too much and I just didn't care enough to carry on.

I liked spending time with my DC and making all our lives enjoyable and not a drudgery or boring obligation

She will get there..promise

My DD referred to her twin siblings as "the brothers" collectively for about a year.. IE mummy the brothers have droped his dummy ... Mummy the brothers is crying etc ...

They became most interesting when mobile ... Better when they understood direction.
They adored her - she used them for everything she could get for as long as possible 😁
as teens they are all close now

Thank you all for your experiences and kind words, it's reassuring that it seems pretty similar across the board. The health visitor said she was subconsciously punishing me which I guess makes sense, but she is already a lot better at least with the baby, still not listening to me though 😂

This isn’t particularly reassuring!!

It will almost definitely improve but you need to cut her some slack. The poor little mite is so little herself and she has just had her safe little world turned on its head.
Do something nice together just the two of you, so she remembers that she is still special and not pushed out. Cake in a cafe, trip to the park, something else she loves doing. Special grown up mummy/daughter date. She will no doubt have missed you.

I'm only expecting my second so no experience but I'm planning to use my mum's day of childcare to get some one on one time with my daughter, without the newborn around (if I can manage to work that around breastfeeding, maybe just an hour or so at a time to begin with). Might be naive of me when I'm not there yet but I wonder if she might appreciate time just the two of you

I'm in a similar situation. Eldest DD is almost 2 and my new little one is just 8 days old. Feeling the worst mum guilt as I'm EBF & post c-section too which I'm finding much more painful & harder to recover from this time round, so I'm just not able to do what I normally would with my daughter. She has been amazing so far but its definitely starting to take a toll & I'm worried about how it might affect our relationship. Sending solidarity & watching this thread with interest!

I agree that it will settle and that one on one time with you will probably help. I also did the whole 'just a minute, baby, I need to finish helping DD1' thing so that DD1 heard baby being asked to wait for her as well as her being asked to wait whilst I did something for the baby.

If she is high energy and getting bored, do you have anyone who can help her get out and get a bit more exercise and stimulation on the days she's at home with you? Could DH take her out briefly before work or at lunch (scooter, balance bike, very nearby park)? Any other family or friends who might take her out as a wee treat once or twice in the next couple of weeks until you're more recovered?

You say going out with her on the buggy board. Could she safely walk, scoot, or cycle more when you go out, at least part of the way or on some routes?

I remember this well, DD was also 3 when her twin sisters were born. It really wasnt easy for a good few months. I felt awful for her no longer being the only child, not competing with just one but two new siblings. It passes, just keeep doing what you're doing. Lots of praise for her, try and get some alone time just the two of you. My 3 are best friends now and play lovely together. She will get over it.

We’re 5 months in and it really does get earlier, I would say the turning point was in the last month or so. Which I know feels like a long way off where you are now. I cried everyday when our DS was born as I think I was mourning for my relationship with my DD which had changed overnight. I’m also EBF and sometimes wish that I wasn’t to be honest as I would prefer it to be more 50/50 with hubbie. But if he can become the default parent for her then that will in the long run make things so much easier. You will miss her and the relationship but you’ll get it back when the baby is more mobile and able to be put down more. I found to divide and conquer the easiest option, so just focus on one each. It’s hard when you’re on your own with them both and I don’t have any advice here as my DD is in pre-school full time and that’s where she remains as I don’t honestly think I could cope with a full day with two, especially when the baby is still so little. You need to get your village around you and get help literally all day for when your husband is at work and you’ve got them both. So ask your mum if she can come over for the whole working day to help you. As you’re not meant to be doing it on your own, and in most other cultures they don’t.

take it easy and try to get time the two of you everyday. She will adjust but it’s just a slow process. You’ll wake up one day and realise that (most of) the tantrums have stopped and shes more settled.

ahh I could have written this myself.when we first brought our 2nd home. Our LB is 2.5, was so excited to have a baby, had his moments but was genuinely a joy to have. We’ve had a very up and down time of it and I’ve had some real mum rage and anxiety over him hurting the baby. He would actually say “I hurt babys name” before he did it. This was really triggering as even though the logical part of my brain knows he’s just a baby with limited impulse control, I couldn’t help but think it was malicious.

8 weeks in now. It’s not a bed of roses but it’s getting better gradually rather than worse. I wouldn’t say his personality is like it was before (or at least his actions aren’t) but we’re spending quality time together and I’m learning to juggle my time, but it’s still overwhelming when they have competing needs and the noise levels at home are so overstimulating.

the hardest part of having a newborn is definitely having a toddler alongside. No advice as it’s bloody hard and I don’t think there’s a magic solution. But this is a season of life and won’t last forever x